The OUCofA Bad Joke Page

(Last updated 26th November 1997. But only to add The Circus Joke.)

The shooting line is a place for intense concentration. Propelling an arrow all that distance into such a small gold ring is not something that can be done if you're distracted. There can be no reason to chat on the shooting line. Heaven forbid that anyone should actually make someone else laugh while they're at full draw.

It could be, then, that our slightly disappointing performances can be explained by our willingness to tell each other crap jokes while we're shooting. For the benefit of the rest of the world, these jokes are now collected here.

To appear on this page, a joke must satisfy the following conditions: it must have been told by an OUCofA member, to an OUCofA member who hadn't heard it before, and who found it funny. You will notice that crapness isn't a requirement, but it seems to follow anyway.

Disclaimer: Some of these jokes are old. Don't complain if you've heard them before.


The Jokes

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Short Jokes

Long Jokes


Short Jokes

The Two Parrots Joke

There were two parrots on a perch. One of them said to the other: "Can you smell fish?"

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The Two Fish Joke

There were two fish in a tank. One of them said to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"

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The Two Sausages Joke

There were two sausages in a pan. One of them said to the other, "Blimey, it's hot in here," and the other one said, "Aaaah! A talking sausage!"

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The Steering Wheel Joke

A man walked into a bar. The barman said, "You've got a steering wheel sticking out of your fly." "I know," said the man, "it's driving me nuts."

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The Circus Joke

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

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Long Jokes

The Battle Of Hastings Joke

(An archery-related joke. Cool, huh?)

King Harold was inspecting his troops on the eve of the Battle of Hastings, chatting with them a bit, trying to raise their morale, that sort of thing.

He went to the swordsmen first, choosing a soldier at random from amongst the ranks. "Do you feel ready for the battle tomorrow?" he asked.

"Oh yes, sire," the swordsman responded eagerly.

"Handy with that thing are you?" Harold asked, indicating the man's sword.

"Reasonably so, sire," the man replied. "Watch." He bent down, picked up a handful of grass, flung it in the air, and waved his sword about. When the grass fell down again, it had been cut into a neat line of soldier figures.

"Good work, man," said Harold, impressed, "and good luck in the battle."

"Thank you, sire," said the soldier.

King Harold proceeded to inspect the pikemen. "Are you looking forward to the battle?" he asked one of their number.

"Yes, sire," the man replied.

"Good with your pike, are you?" the King asked.

"Not bad," the pikeman said. "See that flock of birds?" Harold nodded, and the pike flashed in the soldiers hand. It went sailing through the air, right through the centre of the flock, and when it came down five birds were skewered on it.

"Well done," said Harold, "and good luck in the battle tomorrow."

He then went to the archers, who stood proudly with their longbows, looking intimidating even to someone on their side. "Are you ready for tomorrow's battle?" King Harold asked one bowman.

The man squinted at him a bit, then said, "Good Lord, it's the King! Um, yes I'm ready."

"What can you do with that bow, then?" Harold asked him.

"What? Oh, this thing? I dunno. Someone gave me it yesterday and told me to stay with these people here."

"Well... do you see that barn over there, about twenty yards away?"

The archer peered in the direction of Harold's pointing finger. "Oh yes, I see it," he said at last.

"Do you think you could hit that?"

"I think so." He lined himself up with the barn, grunting with the effort of drawing the bow, and loosed the arrow. It sailed past the barn, five feet too high and ten feet to the left.

"Did I hit it?" he asked.

"Er, yes," said Harold, clapping him on the back. "Well done, and good luck."

Then the King turned to the captain of archery and said in an undertone, "Watch out for that man tomorrow, will you? He'll have somebody's eye out with that thing."

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The Big Brown Bear Joke

A big brown bear walks into a beefsteak bar and says to the barman, "Barman, bring me a beer."

The barman says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don't bring beer to big brown bears."

So the bear goes, "Grrrrr! Barman, bring me a beer!" and belches broadly.

The barman says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don't bring beer to big brown bears, and we certainly don't bring beer to bears who belch broadly."

So the bear goes, "Grrrrr! Barman, bring me a beer!" and starts behaving badly.

The barman says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don't bring beer to big brown bears, and we certainly don't bring beer to bears who belch broadly, and we definitely don't bring beer to bears who behave badly."

So the bear goes, "Grrrrr! Barman, bring me a beer!" and badmouths the barman.

The barman says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don't bring beer to big brown bears, and we certainly don't bring beer to bears who belch broadly, and we definitely don't bring beer to bears who behave badly, and we refuse to bring beer to bears who badmouth the barman."

So the bear goes, "Grrrrr! Barman, bring me a beer!" and breaks a beaker.

The barman says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don't bring beer to big brown bears, and we certainly don't bring beer to bears who belch broadly, and we definitely don't bring beer to bears who behave badly, and we refuse to bring beer to bears who badmouth the barman, and we never bring beer to bears who break beakers."

So the bear goes, "Grrrrr! Barman, bring me a beer!" and takes a bite out of the bar.

The barman says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don't bring beer to big brown bears, and we certainly don't bring beer to bears who belch broadly, and we definitely don't bring beer to bears who behave badly, and we refuse to bring beer to bears who badmouth the barman, and we never bring beer to bears who break beakers, and under no circumstances will we bring beer to bears who take drugs."

"Eh?" says the bear, somewhat surprised. "I don't take drugs."

"Really?" says the barman. "What about that bar bit you ate?"

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The Lightsaber Fight Joke

Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are in the middle of a furious lightsaber duel, the outcome of which will decide the fate of the galaxy. The fight has raged backwards and forwards for several minutes, but at last it appears that Luke has the upper hand. Another few strokes and he has Vader pinned against a wall.

Suddenly, Vader rasps, "I know what you're getting for Christmas."

"No!" screams Luke. "That's not true! That's impossible!"

Vader takes advantage of Luke's momentary distraction to bat his lightsaber aside and launch a new attack. Luke ends up on the defensive for a while, but eventually he regains his composure and, as is the way of such things, good begins to prevail again. Before long he has beaten Vader to the floor.

"I know what you're getting for Christmas," says Vader again. But Luke isn't going to be taken in by the same trick twice, and Vader gets no opportunity to try another comeback.

"How?" Luke demands instead. "How could you possibly know that?"

And Vader says, "I felt your presents."

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The Prawn Joke

Once upon a time there was a prawn called Bob. He lived on the seabed with Colin the starfish and lots of other cute little marine fauna, and they played happily together all day long.

But after a while, their games no longer satisfied Bob. He realized that in the grand scheme of things, he was inconsequential. Nobody looked up to him, nobody respected him; if he were to die tomorrow, the only people who would notice were his small-minded, unambitious friends.

Instead of brooding on his existential angst like any normal teenager, Bob determined to do something about it. He went off to see the genie who lived in a nearby coral reef. The reef was some distance away, and it was a hard journey for a little prawn, but eventually Bob made it.

"I am the genie of the reef," said the genie of the reef. "Make a wish and it will be granted."

"I'm tired of being insignificant!" cried Bob. "I want to be a shark!"

"It is done," said the genie. For sure enough, it was. Bob the prawn had become Bob the shark. He swished his powerful tail and went surging through the water, twisting and rolling and feeling important. Nobody could ignore him now.

"This is what I was born to be," said Bob. "Oh thank you, genie!" And he swam off back to the area of the seabed where he lived, snapping his teeth at terrified fish as he went.

But as he approached Colin and his other friends, they all scuttled into the little cavelets they hid in when sharks appeared. Bob was horrified.

"Come out," he said. "It's me, Bob. I'm not going to eat you!"

"You're a shark now," said Colin. "It's only natural for you to eat smaller fish than yourself. You may not mean to, but eventually you'll absent-mindedly snap one of us up. You'll have to go and play with the other sharks now."

But Bob didn't want to play with sharks. They still frightened him a bit. And his little friends had been good friends; he wanted to play with Colin again. Suddenly he realized how cold and empty power is. Being important is no substitute for having friends. So Bob swam back to the genie.

"I am the genie of the reef," said the genie of the reef. "Make a wish and it will be granted."

"I have seen the error of my ways," said Bob. "Turn me back into a prawn!"

"It is done," said the genie. And Bob was once more a prawn! Insignificant, yes, but intimidating to no one. He was a little older, a little wiser perhaps, and a good deal more humble. But other than that he was the same old Bob.

So he toiled all the way back across the seabed to give his friends the good news. To his great joy, they didn't scatter when they saw him coming. In fact, they didn't even notice him, and instead of making him feel small like it would have done before, it gave Bob a thrill. He rushed towards them and announced excitedly, "I'm a prawn again Colin!"

(This is possibly the longest in-joke to appear on the web. To get the non-in-jokey version, read it again with the name Christian in place of Colin. Sorry.)

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The Clown Joke

Once upon a time there were two (as opposed to three) identical twins, who, in defiance of all we know about the genetic basis of intelligence, were anything but identical mentally. One of them was, quite frankly, stupid, while the other was very sharp indeed. In fact, he was a master of ready wit and stunning repartee.

One evening the stupid twin went to a circus that happened to be in town. He went early so he could get a good seat in the front row, right beside the ring, and he thoroughly enjoyed the experience. He marvelled at the elephants, cowered from the lions, and gaped at the trapeze artists in their skimpy costumes; he reacted exactly the way he was meant to.

Last of all, on came the clowns. They were his favourite bit of the circus. All that falling over, all that water, all those custard pies - it was hilarious. The lead clown was the most ludicrous of the lot: he had bigger shoes, baggier trousers, brighter make-up and the most enormous red nose. And part of the lead clown's job was to make fun of people in the audience.

So the clown looked around for someone to hassle, and saw a rather stupid-looking man sitting right in the front row. Ideal. He went up to the stupid twin and said:

"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"

The stupid man sat there wishing that he hadn't come, wishing that the clown would go away and pick on someone else. He knew he wasn't very intelligent, and he knew he would come out of this looking very foolish. But he spoke up. "No," he said.

"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.

"No, I'm not," the stupid man replied.

"Then, sir," the clown said slowly, letting the audience savour the moment, "you are no end of an ass!"

The audience, having a fairly poor sense of humour, erupted into laughter. The stupid man just wished he could die. Fortunately for him, the show was soon over.

When he got home, the stupid man told his brother what had happened.

"Don't worry," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee, "I am a master of ready wit and stunning repartee. Tomorrow night I will go to the circus and make that clown look foolish."

So the next night, the master of ready wit and stunning repartee went to the circus, and got a front row seat. Being an intelligent man, he was considerably less impressed by the sight of dumb animals being made to do tricks, although he had to admit that the trapeze artists were rather tasty.

Then the clowns came out, and the one with the biggest shoes, baggiest trousers, brightest make-up and most ludicrously over-sized nose looked around the audience for someone to make fun of. He could not believe his luck. There, sitting in the front row, was the stupid man he'd got such a laugh out of the night before. So the clown approached the master of ready wit and stunning repartee and asked:

"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"

"No," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.

"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.

"No, I'm not," replied the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.

"Then, sir," said the clown, "you are no end of an ass!" The crowd went wild with laughter. The joke went down even better than it had the night before, and the clown felt on top of the world.

But just then the master of ready wit and stunning repartee stood up, smiled sadistically and said:

"Fuck off you red-nosed bastard."

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And if you think that was bad, try reading some of this college humor.

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