daaaa, da daaa, da daaa, da daaa, DA DA DA...
Good evening and welcome to Vomitwatch OUCofA. I'm Nick Toss.
Dangerous archers have been spotted committing criminal damage to carpets and furniture on OUCofA social events. Here are profiles of the perpetrators and descriptions of the incidents, so that you, the public, can help us apprehend these people.
Perpetrator: Richard Blunt. Venue: St Hilda's bar.
Quantity: UNKNOWN
Style:
A virtuoso performance from Susan Bates, who we have learned has since fled the country. After drinking most of the fruit punch that had been prepared to last several people for the entire night, Miss Bates looked very ill indeed. She disappeared to the toilets in SEH for a number of minutes, then re-emerged looking little better. This was followed by an even longer visit to the toilets in the Turl Bar with her accomplice, a tall girl called Olivia Milburn.
Quantity: Believed to be considerable
Style:
(for the drinking more than the vomiting)
Two vomiting incidents occured on this inauspicious night. The first was early on in the evening, when an incompetent criminal attempted to down a bottle of fizzy lager in one go. He didn't even succeed in finishing the bottle before sprinting out of the room and throwing up neatly into the sink of the next-door bathroom.
The beer in question was Labatt Blue. The perpetrator, one Neale Grant, is 6'4", with long, dark-blond hair and a pronounced Scottish accent.
Quantity: 
Style:
The later incident is less well documented. Perpetrator or perpetrators unknown vomited down the wall and the door of the room of one Neale Grant, obviously on their way to the bathroom. The bathroom was also liberally sprayed with vomit, causing much consternation the following day to the cleaner and to Neale, who had to clean up the mess while enduring a massive hangover; a further incident was narrowly avoided. No witnesses have come forward to provide information about this spectacular event.
Quantity:
Style:
A record three events were observed at this social occasion. First the stairs immediately outside the dining hall were decorated by both Tom Arnold (a short, balding man with a northern accent) and Omar Al-Mushadani (a physicist with too many layers of clothes). Unconfirmed reports from St Hilda's residents allege that the smell lingered "for weeks".
Quantity:
Style:
Immediately after the dinner, Suzanne Weller saw fit to spare the St Hilda's staff the task of cleaning up after her, by vomiting neatly down a drain outside. Top marks for selflessness, but somewhat lacking in style.
Quantity:
Style:
A night that started as harmless fun ended with possibly the most disturbing incident the archery club has ever witnessed. Following an outstanding performance in the drinking game, 1st year Mark Bass demonstrated that his stomach was not as strong as we had thought by spilling his guts all over the living room at 6 Bullingdon Road.
What adds a thoroughly unpleasant aspect to this event is that at the time an innocent bystander was asleep on the floor. This unsuspecting victim (Neale Grant) woke the next morning to find pieces of sick dried into his hair, causing him understandable distress. Mark Bass is a dangerous criminal; he must be caught and he must be punished.
Quantity:
Style:
Dave Spence was also implicated in a chundering incident on that night. This was a particularly underhand affair. He slipped away from the crowd and vomited quietly on his own, then failed to tell anyone of his actions - despite the fact that it had a bearing on his score in the drinking game.
Quantity: UNKNOWN
Style: NONE
Good night. And remember, don't have spirits on top of wine.
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