************************************************************************************************ Kilmarnock - Tuesday 2nd January 2001 ************************************************************************************************ ================================================================================================ Squad ================================================================================================ No Name Position(s) Nat Born Age Caps Gls Wages Expires Value ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 24 24 Violins All In A Row D/DM C ENG 10.9.77 23 - - £925 8.6.05 £425K 33 Arse S C SCO 17.8.67 33 - - £2K 30.6.01 £120K 9 Battering Ram F C SCO 22.11.68 32 - - £2K 30.6.02 £1M 41 Better Than Lumpy Shit S C IRL 9.11.81 19 - - £950 11.6.01 £70K 10 Big Brother's Breakfast M C SCO 29.10.66 34 20 1 £3.4K 23.6.03 £600K 34 Big Floppy Donkey Dick M L SCO 17.9.63 37 - - £425 8.6.03 £30K 50 Big Lump Of Shit S C ENG 22.6.64 36 - - £1.5K 10.6.03 £30K 37 Big Name Striker S C ENG 8.11.68 32 - - £4.1K 26.6.03 £800K 30 Bondage M/F LC SCO 30.6.82 18 - - £500 30.6.02 £725K 31 Can He Row Your Boat D RC SCO 18.1.81 19 - - £500 30.6.02 £275K 26 Chicken Fucker F RC SCO 26.10.80 20 - - £500 30.6.01 £275K 8 Cock Sucking Slag Fish DM C SCO 9.3.73 27 2 - £2.5K 30.6.01 £5M 22 Detuned Radio S C FRA 8.5.74 26 - - £1.7K 7.6.03 £1.1M 4 Don't Drive On The Grass D C HUN 26.10.74 26 15 3 £1K 8.6.05 £575K - Donaldson, Jimmy D/DDM LC SCO 29.10.84 16 - - £220 Rolling £75K 17 Dum De Dum D C FRA 16.1.74 26 - - £2K 23.6.04 £4.5M 32 Flying Stinging Insects D RC ENG 17.5.80 20 - - £700 30.6.02 £275K 6 Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck AM/F R FRA 23.11.67 33 9 1 £2.5K 23.6.03 £2.5M 35 Gamble My Arse AM LC SCO 27.8.74 26 - - £900 22.6.05 £1.2M 28 German Sex Aid F RLC ENG 1.1.77 24 - - £1.1K 12.6.05 £400K 48 Gibson, John M C SCO 12.5.84 16 - - £625 Rolling £170K 21 Hokey Cokey D C SCO 13.7.76 24 - - £1K 30.6.01 £210K 29 I'm A Twat GK SCO 26.1.82 18 - - £400 1.7.02 £200K 47 Johnston, Gordon M L SCO 17.11.83 17 - - £150 Rolling £40K 27 Martine's Old Man S C SCO 8.10.78 22 - - £1.6K 1.6.02 £850K 49 McAuley, Steven AM C SCO 17.3.83 17 - - £110 Rolling £45K 19 Northern Lights S C SCO 3.1.78 22 - - £1K 30.6.03 £200K 13 Old Scottish Twat S C SCO 24.9.62 38 61 19 £3.4K 23.6.03 £30K 3 One Better Than NME D C SCO 22.8.80 20 - - £750 30.6.03 £350K 11 Phil's Long Lost Brother AM R SCO 3.12.68 32 - - £2K 30.6.03 £600K 14 Proud Of His Manhood AM C SCO 26.3.73 27 - - £1K 1.7.02 £1.2M 20 Pushchair Man AM RL SCO 5.6.73 27 - - £2K 1.6.03 £775K - Quinn, Craig D LLC SCO 22.5.82 18 - - £850 Rolling £85K 15 Robson's Partner S C FRA 1.6.74 26 - - £1.5K 12.6.06 £1.6M 2 Scottishiest Name Ever D RC SCO 11.10.68 32 - - £2K 8.6.05 £475K 18 Slaaaaaag D C ENG 19.9.78 22 - - £750 30.6.01 £350K 1 Teflon GK SCO 19.4.64 36 1 - £4K 1.7.03 £475K 5 That's My Dressing Gown D C SCO 16.12.69 31 - - £1.6K 1.6.03 £625K 7 The Hapless Boy Lard DM C SCO 30.3.69 31 - - £1.5K 23.6.04 £1.1M ================================================================================================ 2000/1 Senior Club Stats ================================================================================================ No Name Apps Gls Con Pens Asts Yel Red MoM Av R --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 24 24 Violins All In A Row 2 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 7.50 33 Arse - - - - - - - - ---- 9 Battering Ram 21 (2) 15 0 0 7 0 0 2 7.91 41 Better Than Lumpy Shit 1 (3) 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 6.50 10 Big Brother's Breakfast 15 (1) 3 0 0 2 0 1 1 7.75 34 Big Floppy Donkey Dick 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 5.00 50 Big Lump Of Shit 3 (6) 0 0 0 2 0 0 0 6.67 37 Big Name Striker 24 (1) 6 1 0 6 0 0 4 7.60 30 Bondage 22 2 0 3 (2) 1 1 0 0 7.27 31 Can He Row Your Boat 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 6.00 26 Chicken Fucker - - - - - - - - ---- 8 Cock Sucking Slag Fish 25 2 0 0 3 6 1 3 7.48 22 Detuned Radio 13 (5) 6 0 0 3 1 0 0 7.39 4 Don't Drive On The Grass 16 1 0 0 1 3 1 0 6.88 - Donaldson, Jimmy - - - - - - - - ---- 17 Dum De Dum 26 2 0 0 1 3 0 0 7.27 32 Flying Stinging Insects - - - - - - - - ---- 6 Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck 19 1 0 0 5 0 0 3 7.53 35 Gamble My Arse 2 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.50 28 German Sex Aid 1 (5) 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 6.67 48 Gibson, John 1 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.00 21 Hokey Cokey - - - - - - - - ---- 29 I'm A Twat 2 0 4 0 0 0 0 0 6.50 47 Johnston, Gordon - - - - - - - - ---- 27 Martine's Old Man - - - - - - - - ---- 49 McAuley, Steven 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 6.00 19 Northern Lights - - - - - - - - ---- 13 Old Scottish Twat 2 (2) 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 6.75 3 One Better Than NME - - - - - - - - ---- 11 Phil's Long Lost Brother 6 (5) 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.00 14 Proud Of His Manhood 24 10 0 0 5 3 0 2 7.54 20 Pushchair Man 4 (7) 0 0 0 2 0 1 1 7.09 - Quinn, Craig - - - - - - - - ---- 15 Robson's Partner 16 (4) 10 0 0 5 0 0 4 7.80 2 Scottishiest Name Ever - - - - - - - - ---- 18 Slaaaaaag 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 8.00 1 Teflon 25 0 32 0 0 0 1 2 7.24 5 That's My Dressing Gown 10 (5) 2 0 0 0 1 0 0 6.93 7 The Hapless Boy Lard 13 (3) 2 0 0 1 2 0 0 7.31 ================================================================================================ 2000/1 Transfers ================================================================================================ Date Player In From Fee ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 12.7.00 Chris Lynch Free Transfer Free 12.7.00 Rene Stam Free Transfer Free 13.7.00 Big Floppy Donkey Dick Free Transfer Free 13.7.00 Paul Crawley Free Transfer Free 14.7.00 24 Violins All In A Row Free Transfer Free 27.7.00 Big Name Striker Bolton £625K 2.8.00 Don't Drive On The Grass Free Transfer Free 16.8.00 Big Lump Of Shit Free Transfer Free 12.11.00 Better Than Lumpy Shit Blackburn Loan 17.11.00 German Sex Aid Wycombe £140K 23.12.00 Gamble My Arse St. Mirren £220K Date Player Out To Fee ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 11.7.00 Spawn Of Satan II Charlton £550K 12.7.00 Jim Clark Released Free 13.7.00 Paul Clarke Released Free 13.7.00 Spawn Of Satan I Birmingham £875K 17.7.00 Gordon Thomson Released Free 26.7.00 Stuart McLean Derby £170K 27.7.00 Son Of A Bad Man Nottm Forest £170K 22.9.00 I Don't Believe It Barnsley £240K ================================================================================================ 2000/1 Fixtures ================================================================================================ Date Opposition Ven Competition Res Attend Scorers -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 15.7.00 Albion Rovers H Friendly 4:0 1725 Battering Ram, Bondage 2 pens Big Brother's Breakfast 22.7.00 Partick Thistle H Friendly 0:2 1804 29.7.00 St. Johnstone A Premier Division 4:1 7122 Battering Ram 2, Big Brother's Breakfast Robson's Partner 5.8.00 Aberdeen H Premier Division 2:0 11524 Battering Ram, Big Brother's Breakfast 12.8.00 Hibs A Premier Division 2:4 11211 Proud Of His Manhood, That's My Dressing Gown 15.8.00 East Stirling A League Cup 2nd Rnd 3:1 1630 Detuned Radio, Proud Of His Manhood Cock Sucking Slag Fish 19.8.00 Celtic H Premier Division 3:1 18092 The Hapless Boy Lard, Proud Of His Manhood Battering Ram 27.8.00 Dundee A Premier Division 3:2 11072 Don't Drive On The Grass, Battering Ram Bondage pen 6.9.00 Dundee Utd H League Cup 3rd Rnd 3:1 3298 Robson's Partner, Battering Ram Proud Of His Manhood 9.9.00 Hearts H Premier Division 3:1 14392 Detuned Radio 2, Battering Ram 16.9.00 St. Mirren H Premier Division 2:1 8634 Big Name Striker, Battering Ram 23.9.00 Dunfermline H Premier Division 3:1 10450 Battering Ram, Proud Of His Manhood, McAllister og 1.10.00 Motherwell A Premier Division 4:1 9579 Big Name Striker, Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck Proud Of His Manhood 2 14.10.00 Rangers A Premier Division 0:1 45885 16.10.00 Aberdeen A Premier Division 2:2 12748 Robson's Partner, Detuned Radio 21.10.00 Hibs H Premier Division 1:1 11811 Battering Ram 29.10.00 Dundee Utd H Premier Division 1:0 10862 Big Name Striker 5.11.00 St. Johnstone H Premier Division 4:1 9731 Battering Ram, Robson's Partner 2 That's My Dressing Gown 11.11.00 Hearts A Premier Division 1:1 12261 Detuned Radio 18.11.00 Dundee H Premier Division 1:2 10016 Detuned Radio 25.11.00 Celtic A Premier Division 3:2 52814 Mjällby og, Battering Ram, Robson's Partner 29.11.00 Aberdeen A League Cup Qtr Final 2:3 17861 Gibson, Better Than Lumpy Shit 2.12.00 Dunfermline A Premier Division 2:0 6819 Bondage pen, Battering Ram 6.12.00 Motherwell H Premier Division 5:0 11420 Proud Of His Manhood 2, Cock Sucking Slag Fish Robson's Partner, Battering Ram 9.12.00 Dundee Utd A Premier Division 5:1 8330 Big Name Striker 2, Big Brother's Breakfast Proud Of His Manhood, Dum De Dum 16.12.00 Rangers H Premier Division 1:6 18116 Robson's Partner 23.12.00 St. Mirren A Premier Division 1:2 6894 Robson's Partner 26.12.00 Hibs A Premier Division 3:0 11018 Battering Ram, Big Name Striker The Hapless Boy Lard 2.1.01 Aberdeen H Premier Division 2:2 12094 Dum De Dum, Robson's Partner 31.1.01 Dundee A Premier Division --- ----- 3.2.01 Celtic H Premier Division --- ----- 7.2.01 St. Johnstone A Premier Division --- ----- 10.2.01 Hearts H Premier Division --- ----- 24.2.01 St. Mirren H Premier Division --- ----- 3.3.01 Dunfermline H Premier Division --- ----- 17.3.01 Motherwell A Premier Division --- ----- 31.3.01 Rangers A Premier Division --- ----- 7.4.01 Dundee Utd H Premier Division --- -----