The following is a precise account of all the important details of the issues discussed, and indeed, events that took place one dark, cold and irregular night in the Baynes room at a very posh collegein Oxford.
It went like this:
After parking my bicycle and discovering I had no clue where this 'Baynes' room was, I innocently asked one of the seemingly friendly chaps in bowler hats directions, after all Christ Church was a big and poorly lit college.
"Excuse me, but could you tell me where the Baynes room is, please?" The gentleman then turned and gave me an unusual look. It only lasted a second or two but it was very telling: initially it was a glance of expectation, then a nanosecond of utter confusion and finally an air of contempt. He then ignored me! I paused to think why on earth he would act this way and thought perhaps the bowler hat really did mean he was a looney let out of a mental asylum allowed only to roam free in Christ Church, but it turned out he thought I was a prankster. You see, the Baynes room is some SCR, well, CR, and he did not expect some undergraduate to be asking for it. After a little convincing I persuaded him that I genuinely did have a meeting there, and now I was ten minutes late I really ought to be getting there. He, hesitantly, pointed the way.
After being directed, and then, redirected I made it to the meeting only to find 5 half-sober chaps merrily on their way to being non-sober [isn't that right, Oh Dear]. Booth, Williams, Oh Dear, Bumby and Stanton were sat in front of me. I was then informed that I had to take minutes, when I asked "Why me?", all 5 simultaneously spoke rubbish; one managing to exactly contradict the other; and for every argument Bumby seemed to have the last word. I didn't bother, the reason was obvious these guys were too drunk to take minutes. Simple as that.
Meeting opened at 7:40 pm
The following people have informed us that they can't make it tonight:
On the other hand the following said they would be coming:
So much for that. [Hey Mac and Lewis?]
Booth: "We had a good season: played 12, won 8, lost 4. This is clearly down to good captaincy by Oh Dear and myself. May I point out that I never lost a match as captain... I would like to express my thanks to:
Oh Dear: "I'm going to make stuff up." [Gulp - having just regretted saying that audibly so I can note that down]. "Uh, guess, well, Martin did most of the work."
[Oh Dear is being quite modest here, a bit like me, but he has put a lot in to the club. I've have been most impressed with his work on the website which fails to get a mention during the meeting. I also liked his captaincy: putting me to bat at #4 allowing me to score my first half-century of the season against Oxenford - but that's another story...]
"My other work was to go for all committee meetings and ... [sleep?] ... [the] ... 5th October ... [is] ... when it's [our pavilion] gonna get knocked down. Nets have been removed - but will be sorted."
Fixture Secretary's Report
Bumby: "They [oppo] weren't really good enough, [in fact] we're too good."
[I like how Bumby, without fail, manages to identify the problem in an instant. It's like the times he offers batting advice from # 11, which is very considerate of him. He is very consistent with this, in fact, the advice never varies: "Just fucking kill the ball, hit the guts out of it...but don't get out...etc". Oh Dear politely acted on the advice one beautiful day this season, demolishing a small green house far over the boundary (and behind a concrete wall!)]
"We should aim to play sides at least, or about, college standard."
Booth: "Now to the Treasurer's account, I owe lot's of money ... [see account]"
Oh Dear: "Social secretary...[Tony Mc] was SHIT as social secretary."
[I'm not sure I should have printed this in its unabridged form.]
Booth: "Next to elections."
Captain - Quentin Williams
Vice-Captain - Sam Dean
Webmaster - Sam Dean
Fixtures secretary - Chris Bumby
Treasurer & Kit secretary - Mike Price
Social Secretaries - Watto & Julian
EMPEROR - Mike Price [What does this entitle me to?]
Best Batting - Watto's 97 against IMM
Best Shot of the season - Oh Dear [Green house destroyer]
Honourable mention - Tony Macs only shot [wrong-sided shot]
Most runs - Watto
Special award - Metamorphosis of the season - Benson [#1 to #11 batsman]
Best Bowling - Alan Salt's 5 wickets/5 runs/4.5overs
Honourable mentions - Bensons 5 for, Price's 4 for
Best delivery of the season - Watto [which one?]
Honourable mention - Price [The inswinger that swung late (about 1m) removing a top batsman for IMM, after which I recall saying: "Far-out, did you see that, FUCK ME, I'm glad I didn't have to face it!"]
Most Wickets - Bumby
Catch of the year - Sean
Honourable mentions - Price, Anurag
Drops of the year - Kot
Honourable mentions - Benson & Booth [Benson left it for Booth, who left it for Benson...]
Most Dropped catches - Watto
Theft of the season - Rhodri [Give the 'County' back]
Honourable mention - Professional thief caught by Stanton.
Cricketing injury of the season - Booth's back
Honourable mentions - Nigel's egg, Rhodri's fingers, Framo's hand.
Excuse of the season - Jez's "I can't play because I almost pulled last night [?] ...take my brother."
Honourable mentions - Watto's 'bird'watching [he really was watching animal birds!], Rhodri's finger dancing.
Meeting closed at 8:59pm.
And so the meeting ended, it was off to the House of Spice for a curry.