I am not someone who believes, like our regular match reporter, that statistics shouldn't count and the match report shouldn't be written just because your side lost and because if the statistics counted then your average might be hurt. Nor do I believe that the scorebook should be hidden in the lab so that others are prevented from publicising the truth. So from memory I have fabricated the following report.
After all that effort of getting the teams together, half of the OBs couldn't be bothered turning up so we set off on a 7-a-side, 20 over, Jack Cox type knock around. To balance the numbers, Stanton and Phil volunteered to be on the losing side. Chalky won the toss and decided to bat. Phil didn't last long falling to Mike in his first over bringing Tony Mac to the crease. Matt Hardy was bowling well from the other end until I encouraged him to bowl at Tony Mac's body. Fortunately, after a few balls he decided to ignore my advice and knock over the stumps instead. Geoff's return to the side, after several weeks of hard work as a market trader, consisted of an over of 'dangerous' full tosses. In fact one of them was so dangerous that Tony O'Dea could only pop it up in the air back towards the bowler. Stanton and Benson hung around for a couple of overs until Benson tapped one straight back to the bowler, Julian, and set off for a quickish one failing to notice that Julian was within arms reach of the stumps. Stanton stood his ground as Benson legged it towards certain death screaming 'Come on! It's not a f*****g test match!' - as if anyone could have had that mistaken impression. Realising the tail was in I put myself on to bowl. Stanton fell lbw to another dangerous full toss, umpire McNally deciding not to try the 'the ball was about to split in half and travel around the stumps' ploy. Chalky holed out to long-off before Phil Shields came in to score some runs. Quentin picked up his first Manny Road wicket to finish off the innings. Total score 79.
Spotting an excellent opportunity to further enhance my average, I accompanied Quentin to the crease. I held up one end whilst he scored at his usual rate. Quentin retired hurt suspiciously on 30 after ensuring that he had scored the most runs for Manny Road this season. Bokka continued the scoring whilst I practiced a few leg side shots before we reached the target. Then we tucked into what must be the best tea we have produced all season: turkey ham and cheese, chicken and mango chutney, ham and mustard sandwiches. Even the reduced-to-clear economy pork pies went down well. Only Chalky complained at the lack of vegetable products.