Having concluded OUSFG was not cult-like enough, we set out to determine, once and for all, which god (or gods) we should be worshipping. Contenders were selected and appraised:
|Name of Nominee||Qualifications||Past Experience of Being Worshipped||Worship Behaviour Required of Devotees||Benefits Afforded to Devotees||Extras|
|The Great God Om (from 'Small Gods', by Terry Pratchett).||Is a God. Has Prophets/Messiah.||Extensive, but dwindled. Then grew again.||Not being tortured. Prayer. Belief.||Manifests as a huge bull/tortoise.||Needs believers to maintain powers. A bit crap.|
|Kali (from 'Swamp Foetus', by Poppy Z Brite).||Is a Goddess. Has temple.||Some human, mostly zombie.||Being dead. Leaving tributes of dead body parts. Live in Calcutta.||Statue comes to life.||Based in Calcutta. Very scary.|
|Norse-type gods (from '8 Days Of Luke', by Diana Wynne-Jones).||God-like powers (fire, dimensional travel).||None.||Respect.||Meals. Days out. Possible shag.||Being fucked over as a pawn of the gods.|
|God (as played by Alanis Morissette in 'Dogma').||Can cause heads to explode by speaking. Has Herald, Angels, Messiahs. Fixes things. Created the universe.||2000 years of catholic worship; Jewish worship pre-then?||Self sacrifice. Smells and bells. Obedience.||Get to go to heaven. Bodily resurrection at The End.||The one true faith.|
|The aliens from 'Stargate'.||Sufficiently advanced technology. Power of life and death. Really deep voices. Glowing eyes.||At least 6000 years of worship (since ancient Egypt).||Absolute obedience. If you're beautiful, you must be a host. Slavery.||Not being killed by them. Health plan (prolonged life, improved immune system).||Can be killed.|
|God (from 'One Of Us', by Michael Marshall Smith).||Six angels with shotguns. Can alter perceptions. Capable of physical manifestation.||Entire history of Judaeo-Christian religions.||Take control of your own existence and don't worship him.||Defends you with his angels. Cool abduction experiences.||Misunderstood. Refreshingly unimpressive.|
|Cthulu (As described by H. P. Lovecraft).||Big and scary. Is great old one. Unnameable. Sends you mad.||Small cults of madmen. Lots of sacred texts (all deranged).||Be yummy and crunchy.||Spells that strip away your sanity. High and lonely destiny. Greater understanding of the universe.||Merchandise. Tentacles. Associated with role-players.|
|Bob (of the Church of the Subgenius).||He is Bob. Pipe full of Frop. Slack.||Early eighties until the end of the world (1996).||Send $1||Survice the end of the world (1996).||free robot double.|
|The Shrike (from 'The Hyperion Cantos', by Dan Simmons).||Spikes. Granting of wishes. Pilgramages.||Churches and priests.||Redemptive suffering. Facilitative pilgramages.||Victory of the empathic principle of humanity. Wishes granted if you survive.||Free tree of pain. More spikes.|
|Eris (Discordianism).||Embodiment of chaos. Has symbol (golden apple).||Since ancient Greece, or the mid-seventies. One of those.||Conflict. Not letting Them get away with It.||Fun.||Merchandising. Illuminati will try to destroy you.|
|Dr Tim (OUSFG).||Says he's God. DPhil. TiVo (has control over time).||Semi-divine marriages.||Going barefoot. Conspicuous consumption of creme eggs.||Creme eggs.||No proof of anything.|
|Palmer Eldritch (from 'The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch', by Philip K. Dick).||Stigmata. Sacremental drugs.||Mysterious.||Take drugs to enter his reality.||Escape from mundane lives.||Greatly confusing. May threaten fabric of reality.|
|Lauren Laverne (previously of Kenickie).||Better voice than Alanis Morissette. Northern.||People pay to see her. Possible internet worship.||Buying albums.||Good music. Wistful expressions.||Possibility of meeting her.|
|Bagpuss (from 'Bagpuss').||Controls reality. Fixing things that are lost.||Emily loves him. Mouse worship?||Bring broken things. A story must be told. Sit through songs.||Fixes things. Get to hear stories.||Merchandise. Variable trendiness.|
Having assessed possible candidates, all that was left was to select our One True God. Cthulu-worship was quickly discounted as being stupid. Tim failed to offer proof of his godhood when asked. Kali was out because nobody wanted to move to Calcutta. God (Alanis), the Stargate aliens and Om were considered to be too dull. There's no point worshipping Bob, because since the end of the world has already happened we're not going to get our money's worth. God ('One Of Us') didn't offer enough benefits, and Bagpuss was considered to be far too trendy. Despite a small but vocal clique of die-hard worshippers, Lauren Laverne did not garner enough support to be retained, although the clique then threatened to secede from OUSFG. Everybody thought we'd already discounted Palmer Eldritch, so he went next.
This left three possible candidates: The Norse gods, the Shrike, and Eris. Choosing between them was difficult, and Jihads were nearly declared at several points. In the end, we decided to vote on it.
|-||The Norse Gods||The Shrike||Eris||RON|
After a brief period in which it appeared that George Bush had won, no clear consensus was obtained. Various parties claimed victory for Eris, the Norse gods, the Shrike (since he was the only one who inspired a negative reaction...) and RON. The society concluded that religion and democracy are incompatible.
This page was written by Niall Harrison.