ZOOL3 Episode 3 by Tim Adye Hobbit Without a Beard by His Omniscience, Her Omnipotence, Their Omnipresence, Almighty God, the great grand aunt, God the third cousin, once removed, and God, the best-friend's pet poodle. being the third episode (unless Frances has given up in disgust and written the next episode without waiting any longer) of ZOOL3, Grandson of Zool We rejoin the plot, such as it is, in a shady joint, known only as the Lie Berry Inn. Its clientele? Molin-Cax, a Beard, and a Penguin. The rest: Unknown. Its proprietor? Unknown. Its floorshow? Fully clothed, but otherwise: Unknown. Its purpose for the plot? Unknown. Its location? Unknown. Location unknown? Well not quite1. After all, this is an episode of ZOOL which means that any unknown location can be none other than that Death Planet where the intractable criminals (much as they would like to pretend to be renegades, which you will agree, has a much more heroic _ but untrue _ ring to it) of 10,000 worlds etc. etc. etc. The mysterious stranger mounted the stage and raised her, now gender-specific, microphone. "Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention please. My name is Glamorous Galactic Agent Marina MacDonald, and I am a representative of Good Guys' Megadeath Incorporated. I would ask you all to leave the room quietly, as we are likely to have a teensy-weensy piece of, `ow you say, `unpleasantness`." As the famous hero completed her words, the patrons of the Lie Berry Inn, as a body, seemed to have suddenly remembered a pressing engagement in Argentina. The room cleared rapidly, leaving Galactic Agent MacDonald (as she was known to her friends) alone with The Hobbit and The Beard. "Hobbit, you cad," rasped our hero, "your evil scheme will be foiled. For not only am I armed with the most deadly weapon in the Universe, but I have backup_" From the shadows strode a tall gallant figure, hair streaming behind her, leather jacket, menacing for evildoers everywhere, over her shoulders. "Meet my sidekick," continued Glamorous (as she was known to her enemies), "`Sidekick`." "Hello everyone." "Ahhhhh, what a cute little hobbit. What nice furry feet you have! But_ ummmm_ excuse the personal remark_ but_ don't hobbits have_ beards?" "Arrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggg," shrieked The Hobbit. "For that you will die_ Later. After I have completed my plan, and rendered your insult meaningless." With this, he grabbed The Beard and ran from the room. "After him," yelled Galactic Agent MacDonald. As they ran Sidekick panted, "Why don't you use your Ultimate Weapon?" "Unfortunately it was all a bluff. I'm a pacifist, you know." And she grinned a grin that had to be seen to be believed. __________________________________________________________________________ ____ "Haylp! Haylp!" cried The Beard2, and indeed she might. For she was being tied to a railway line3 by the villain of the piece4, none other than the evil Hobbit. "Hah harrrrrrr," cackled The Hobbit. "Now I have you in my power. You will grow a beard!" Hiding behind the bushes, the Galactic Agent chewed on her cigar5 and muttered to Sidekick, "So that's his dastardly plan! Ever since the operation he has been beardless. Now he is forcing that pore [sic] defenceless Beard to grow one for him."6 And as The Hobbit leapt back from the tightly-bound7 Beard, they heard the rising rumble of the (dead futuristic, honest!) train rapidly approaching_ WILL the evil Hobbit succeed in his plan? WILL there be a horrible nasty mess all over the railway line? HAS he appreciated that a squished beard won't look very nice on him8? CAN Glorious Galactic Agent Marina MacDonald and Sidekick save the heroine? WHAT has happened to the Tall Lanky Penguin, the Men in Black, the Singer, and Molin-Cax (apart from all being in Argentina)? WILL someone be able to bring them back into the story before the poor dears are forgotten entirely? WHERE will the Gigawatt Laser Canons come into the plot? WILL the next Author be able to raise the tone and start discussing the works of James Tiptree Jr? Find out in the next exciting instalment of ZOOL3! 11 No, I'm sorry, it is NOT in orbit about Io at the Lagrange point with Jupiter, much as we all might like it to be. [Sorry, for the dreadful reference to you know what , but embarrassing as it is to admit, I am a fan]. 22 I've always had a secret passion for Penelope Pitstop, and finally I get to cast a character in the role _ I'm sorry Lucy, but this turns out to be you. 33 The Trans-Zoolian railway for you train-spotters. Being a planet of intractable criminals and all that, the recently privatised line was not doing very well, what with the fact that it was considered the worst of faux pas to pay for a ticket. For this reason, trains only ran on the 23rd of Zark and the 42nd of Zog*. Unfortunately for The Beard, today was the 42nd of Zog. 4*Check out the cool alternative date-system! Isn't Science Fiction imaginative! 54 Lest you worry that we have swapped genres again, note that (a) it is a steampunk train, and (b) the Gigawatt Laser Canons are bound to pop up soon. 65 Unlike Molin-Cax, who had, since Conquerors of Zool*, been split into his component parts and thus was no longer interested in eternal life, the Galactic Agent did not actually light her cigar. She just chewed it and made an icky soggy bit at the end, just like those bastards who borrow your biro and then chew the end. 7*Available any day soon. Honest! 86 I'm sure this idea's been done before _ The Anubis Gates, wasn't it? 97 Oooooooooo! 108 I've always wondered about this (or at least I would have always wondered about this if I hadn't only just thought of it). Isn't the idea that even a villain would be interested in having his wicked way with what's left after a train runs over a heroine, however beautiful, just a little sick?