Zool III: The In-Joke Episode 4 by Mark Charsley Before we rejoin the plot, let's repeat some of the questions this plot has raised but not answered: WHY has the Penguin remained silent? WILL the evil Hobbit succeed in his plan? WHAT has happened to the Tall Lanky Penguin, the Men in Black, the Singer, and Molin-Cax (apart from all being in Argentina)? WHERE will the Gigawatt Laser Canons come into the plot? WHAT can be inferred about the strong force? Oh sorry, got a little carried away. Now, with no more ado, let us rejoin the plot, where the train is rapidly approaching our heroine (well, one of them at any rate): Suddenly in mid-rant, the Hobbit disappeared with a large KERZAPPP. "Ha ha!" cackled Molin Cax, "That'll teach him! I told you I hated hobbits, with their ridiculous furry feet, their squinty little faces, their thieving sneakiness, they're not natural. Where did you get this Gigawatt Laser Canon by the way?" The penguin by his side shrugged, and finally swallowed the bit of steak he'd been chewing desperately for the last couple of hours, "I just found it lying around, they don't call this Zool death planet where the intractable criminals of 10,000 worlds etc. for nothing, you know. Anyway, hadn't you better save the Beard before the train hits her?" "How am I going to do that? We're several miles away in the control room of this laser canon control room, where we ran to after we saw the Hobbit in that bar," pointed out Molin-Cax, rather neatly describing their recent actions in one sentence. "Well, we've got a laser canon, right?" "Yup isn't it brilliant, the way it vaporised that creepy little -" "Yes alright, alright. We want to stop the Beard being run over by that train, right?" "Yup." "Well, we've got two choices, one, we destroy the train, or two, we destroy the Beard before she gets run over." "Oh yeah, but which do we do?" "I don't know, why not ask the Wise Woman, whom we haven't referred to until now?" "Okay, but before you do that, there are three things you must know about the wise woman: one, she's wise; two, she's a woman; three, she's dead, well not exactly: she was alive, then she died, but then she was alive again, and she got killed, but now she's alive_" "Obviously worshipping a proper god, to survive that well, but anyway, we'd better ask her quickly, I've lost count of the number of paragraphs that train's been approaching the Beard for. So great Wise Woman, what should we do?" "Aaah, well. Does the Beard's birthday lie on the thirty-first day of a month?" "Don't think so." "Well, she isn't a cultist then. Tell you what, blow up the train, and if you feel less sane afterwards then you probably shouldn't have done it." "Sounds fair enough. Right here we go_" [Insert several minutes of loud zapping and crashing sounds not available since Hitch-hikers finished] __________________________________________________________________________ ____ An hour or so later our two heroes approached the molten mess a couple of yards away from the rather peeved Beard. "Are you okay, it must have been a terrible experience." "No. In addition to being tied up for over an hour, I've been exposed to the fringe effects of a gigawatt X-ray laser twice. I think I'm suffering from radiation poisoning. Are you two alright, you look even less sane than normal." "Radiation poisoning eh? There's only one thing for it: we'll have to take you to a mad scientist to reverse the process." "Well, you could untie me first_" __________________________________________________________________________ ____ Back in the Lie Berry Inn, the two men in black had returned to their seat by the door. "Well I hear she's under a bit of strain, but he seems to be showing it more than she is." "He always has been a little strange. So what do you reckon, do we go for When, or Why." "I reckon Why's less prone to bribery." "Right: Why it is then. Your round." __________________________________________________________________________ ____ Meanwhile our heroes had reached the yellow pages. "Blimey! There's not many mad scientists left." "I'm not surprised. There have been a few more if someone didn't blow them apart with his bloody gigawatt X-ray lasers." "It's not my fault_ they just remind me of hobbits." "Look, stop arguing you two and find one, I really don't feel well." "It's your own fault for drinking that radioactive vodka: I'm really not sure hair of the dog works for radiation poisoning." "How about this one?" "No he's not really mad, he just builds wind-powered rail-guns, besides he's hiding from the secret police at the moment." "Oh I wondered why I hadn't seen him recently." "Your carrying around those lasers, shouting `come out little piggies`, may have had a little to do with that as well." "Oh. How about her then." "Well she's paranoid alright, but she's a wizard_ or is she the absurdly rich deputy high priest? I can never remember." "That just leaves this one then. Let's phone him up." "...Blimey I've phoned up a sex pervert. Not that I've got anything against heavy breathing down the phone, but if I'm paying for the call, it's only fair I do it_" "No, no it's just my respirator I have to wear as a result of a bizarre and vague accident. Can I help you?" "Er yes, are you `Lord Evil, mad megalomaniac scientist, giving away plots while gloating a speciality`?" "Yes that's me, why?" "Oh good, are you any good at curing radioactive beards." "Shouldn't be that tricky. Why, have you got one?" "Why yes, is it okay if we bring her round to your secret laboratory?" "Yup it's on the High Street, you shouldn't have to much trouble finding it, it's by the Age Concern shop and it's got this bloody revolting Silver Dog above the window." "Brilliant, we'll be right round_. Hang on you're not going to kidnap our beard and perform all manner of hideous experiments on her, while we fight for our lives in your piranha pit are you?" "Oh no, no secret plans to take over the world, no. Ooh what a give away. No just a perfectly innocent mad scientist who's misunderstood. No piranhas, no, just crocodiles NO. No crocodiles: I meant shop yes, just a shop, all perfectly guil- innocent. Yes." "Well, you sound like a genuine mad scientist to me. We'll see you in half an hour or so." IS the Beard going to recover from radiation poisoning? SHOULD she have drunk that vodka? ARE the heroes stupid enough to give Lord Evil the Beard? IS the Beard stupid enough to let them do so? WHAT has happened to Gogromelgromoth? IS Frances ever going to write her episode? ARE these questions ever going to stop? HOW can one lay a bet with the men in black? WHY does Molin-Cax hate hobbits so much? WHAT has happened to the Wise Woman? WHAT happened to Glamorous and Sidekick, for that matter? WHY did the hobbit want a beard, when it would only make him look like an ugly dwarf? Find out in the next exciting episode of_ ZOOL III N.B. It implies that the strong force conserves parity, by the way.