Zool 3.5 - A Change of Mind Episode 5 by Jason Stevens At the risk of boring any readers still fighting their way through this dross, let me re-examine the dangling questions: CAN Molin-Cax and the Penguin cure the Beard's radiation poisoning? WHERE are Glamorous and Sidekick? WHO put the bomp in the bomp-de-bomp-de-bomp? WHY can't a woman be more like a man? HOW much is that doggy in the window? ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ (To which the answers are don't know, don't know, don't know, genetics, and about five years under British obscenity laws.) And now:- The big silver dog squeaked derisively in the wind. Molin-Cax, pushing the shopping trolley containing the Beard, looked up at it, and then at the penguin, who was haggling with Lord Evil. "What do you mean, a hundred creds1? A specimen like this in the prime of life? A measly hundred creds? Five hundred at least!" "Shouldn't you be trying to get the price down?" asked the penguin, "You're paying." The Beard alerted by the prospect of money, stood up in the trolley. "Oh yes, good point," said Lord Evil, "Well, urm_ Five hundred creds and that's my last offer." "Done!" said the penguin, slapping a flipper against Lord Evil's outstretched hand. "Don't I get a say in all this?" asked the Beard. "No, don't be stupid, you're just a woman," said Molin-Cax2. He pushed the shopping trolley through Lord Evil's doorway, pausing only to smash the lock off and retrieve the one cred coin. "Lie Berry Inn?" he asked the penguin. "Why not?" They took Lord Evil's money, and walked to the bar to drink it3. ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ In the lift up to his 30th floor laboratory4, Lord Evil turned to the Beard and asked "Now then, what seems to be the trouble?" "You sound different over the phone," said the Beard. "Oh that's Igor, my assistant," said Lord Evil. "One of my accidents. I was trying to create a superman, but something went horribly wrong. I keep him around to make me look good in comparison." "So you don't gloat and give the plot away?" "I don't know the plot, I only appeared in the last episode. You've been in since episode 2, don't you know what's happening?" "No, I'm just a woman," said the Beard sulkily. The lift shuddered to a stop like an electrocuted organist. "We're here," said Lord Evil. The door dilated. Lord Evil hit it until it started working properly and opened, like proper lift doors should. The first thing the Beard saw in the lab (and indeed the last, as it was the only thing there) was a huge green steel device, something between a steam engine and a fan heater, bearing a plaque saying Ronco Plot Device on which the words Plot Device had been scribbled out and Personailty5 Exchanger scrawled in below in green crayon. Two headsets dangled ominously like flaccid gibbets. "Gulp!" said the Beard. ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ In the Lie Berry Inn, the penguin tried to focus on what was left of the five hundred creds. 496 empty glasses and 5 coins swam before his eyes. "Your round," he said to a nearby hatstand which looked like Molin-Cax. "I bet the penguin's first," said one of the Men In Black. "You're on," said the other, and they watched as the penguin was6. "Bollocks," said the second Man in Black. Suddenly the door of the bar burst open and a figure stomped in. It was at least eight feet tall, and seemed to consist mostly of guns. It scanned the bar, and two of the guns scanned it in different directions. "All right," it shouted, "Which one of you bitches is my mother?" ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ "Gulp!" said the Beard (again). Igor had buckled the last strap and was drooling over the Beard's legs. In fact he was just drooling on general principle, having very little control over his salivary glands. The Beard's legs just happened to be under his mouth at the time. "You see," said Lord Evil, soliloquising, "the radiation sickness is inoperable. But, here on Zool death planet where the intractable criminals of 10,000 worlds etc. 7I have perfected a way to transfer personalities between bodies. Your tumour-ridden body will cease to be a receptacle for your persona, which will be transferred into another body. After all," and he leaned down to whisper in her ear, "what's the point in being a mad scientist if you can't ignore a few fundamental tenets of neurobiology and philosophy of mind every now and again?" He lowered the first headset over the Beard's head. "Igor, open that window, would you? This thing makes a hell of a stink." Lord Evil put on his protective headgear, guaranteed proof against any accidental personality exchange (although, since he'd designed it himself and made it out of an old Persil box, the guarantee was not worth the paper it was scrawled on in green crayon). Igor struggled with the window catch for a moment, then decided that the easiest way to open the window was brute force. He threw himself at it, just as (by the kind of coincidence that is the hallmark of really bad writing) Lord Evil threw the switch on the Personality Exchanger. The Beard's personality found the only available body, which unfortunately was Igor's, 30 floors up but unlikely to stay that way. The Beard opened Igor's eyes, and saw the ground coming up fast. "Oh bugger!" she said. WILL Igor/the Beard be splattered onto the pavement? Will the questions regarding personal identity be considered? WHICH one of those bitches is his/her mother? WHERE are Glamorous and Sidekick (again)? WHAT happens next? Find out in yet another exciting episode of Zool III! 11 Gosh, new calenders and a new monetary system! 22 You'd never guess that this was hard SF, would you? 33 The money, not the bar. 44 Check that foreshadowing! 55 Sic. 66 Violently sic. 77 And you thought I'd forgotten_