Zool III: The Next Episode Episode 7 by Mark Charsley So once more, as is becoming increasingly traditional, let us review some of the more unimportant questions reaised by the narrative so far: WHERE are Glamorous and Sidekick? WHO is this Brother Mann we heard about once in episode two? WHEN (if at all) is Molin Cax going to self-combust? ARE the forces of GLAM involved? WHEN is the plot going to bloody start again? Fear no, faithful reader, all these questions shall be answered in but a few moments1_ "That's odd," thought the Beard's consciousness in a rather lucid and calm frame of mind caused by adreanline overload, "I could have sworn the dog was only revolting on the way up, but now it's revolving as -" Her thought patterns were suddenly de-railed by a transmat beam ripping her new body up into a stream of molecules, and sucking them up into a large black spaceship with the words "Good Guys' Megadeath Inc" on the side that had appeared from the middle of nowhere. "-well. Blimey now what?" finished the rapidly reassembled molecules of the Beard's2 brain. "Ah, excuse me, could you tell me where we might find a beard and a mad hobbit?" asked a voice without a trace of a crap french accent. "Glamorous, is that you?" "Well if I wasn't Glamorous, how could I answer, when the question was directed to someone else?" "Look can we stop these irrelevant questions of identity for a bit, they're getting on my nerves. What happened to your crap french accent?" "I dropped it before it got used in any unfunny Clueso rip-offs, and yes I am Glamorous, but who are you?" "I'm the Beard! I've had my personality transferred into this body by a mad scientist." "But why, and more to the point how? It breaks several significant scientific laws!" "Ah, but this is Zool death planet where the intractable criminals of 10,000 worlds etc., people break laws here all the time." "Hmmm, I'm not convinced.How do we know you're really the Beard, anyway?" "Well, you could try asking me questions only the Beard could answer_" "If only the Beard could answer them, how would I know they were right?" "Ahhh, how about questions only the Beard and you could answer?" "Yeah, that'll work. Let's do that_" There was a pause. "Can you think of any?" ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ Meanwhile, in a relatively pleasant bit of suburbia, a lone figure was meditating. He sat there and composed koans, he imagined the sound of one hand clapping, he contemplated his navel, he even recited the ten thousand names of God. Finally inspiration struck him like a divine light. "Sod it, they must have forgotten. I'll have to phone the bastards." ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ Thus in the Lie Berry Inn, Molin's sleep3 was disturbed by a loud phone bell, he muttered something and rolled over. It was disturbed a bit more violently a couple of minutes later by the barman's foot. "Oi, wake up, there's a call for you." Molin opened his eyes. A couple of seconds later his brain remembered what to do with them and stared at the barman. "Urghhh_" he said. The barman droppped the receiver on the floor by Molin and stalked off. Molin grabbed the phone and went "Urghh" again at it. "Molin, is that you? Where the bloody hell is the key. If I don't get it soon, the world's in severe danger of ending." "Umm, what, hold on," said Molin patting frantically for his cigars and lighter, "Who is this?", he said, putting his customary cigar4 in his mouth. "This is Brother Mann, I'm outside Tim's house, and I need that key to get in and protect it with the mystic charm of Khellessar!" "Ahhh, I don't know how to tell you this, but erm," prevaricated Molin, as he lit his cigar, and the large quantities of alcohol vapour surrounding him_ the resulting explosion actually managed to penetrate the Penguin's skull enough to kickstart his brain. The telephone receiver also had a pretty good try, but bounced off. "Oi! Stop that!" exclaimed the barman, "You're not allowed to self-combust in here. Do it outside." The Penguin ignored him, and picked up the receiver5, from which a tinny voice was frantically calling out for Molin. "Errm, Molin appears to have exploded. Who is this?" "It's Brother Mann, the bloke you were meant to have given that key to_" "Oh bollocks, you mean Molin didn't give it to you?" "No, I've been sitting out here all night, where is the silly narweep6?" "Well, right now, he's all over the pub. There's only one thing for it, we're going to have to hold a seance. You'd better come over here at once!" ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ Half an hour or so after Brother Mann had departed, a small heavily armed figure clanked up to the house he'd been waiting outside, and knocked on the door. The door opened, revealing an innocent looking woman. "Sarah Conner?" asked the figure in a bad Austrian accent. "Yes" came the puzzled reply. "Bugger! Wrong house, sorry." The figure went to the house over the road, and knocked on that door, which after a short pause was opened by a young woman, "Yes?" she asked brightly. "Are You Abigail Lord," asked the figure. "Well yes." "Good," came the reply, followed quickly by several thousand gigajoules of high frequancy X-ray laser beam. Abigail, unsurprisingly, was not a little shocked by this: instead she was reduced to her component quarks, along with her house, her car, and most of the street. "Ha ha!", cried Mrs. Lord, for it was none other than she, "Let's see my son settle down to a nice quiet life now! I'll teach him to live in suburbia and settle down_ no, that's not right. Erm, I'll teach him to sell his soul to dark forces and become the greatest witch-king in the history of creation! Yes that's it! I'll teach him that. Now where is the poor lad, his tea will get cold." WILL Gogromelgromoth's tea get cold? WILL his mother cardigan get stretched by the weight of all that weaponry? WHAT is reinsurance anyway? HOW did Brother Mann know that the Lord's house was about to be attacked? HAVE the forces of GLAM got anything to do with it? WHAT are they going to do with the key for a lock that's been atomised by an impractically large laser beam? WILL Glamourous think of a test for the Beard's Identity. WHY did she and Sidekick take so long to get their ship, and has it got any good weapons in it? Find out in another silly episode of the inreasingly irrelevant Zool III, though not necessarily the next one_ 11 Unless of course you stop reading and make a cup of tea or something, in which case they might take a little longer_ 22 In an attempt to make the narrative more easy to read, this author is assuming, despite lage wads of neuroscience and philosophy of self, that the previously hunchbacked body is the Beard (there's a slight chance it can grow one now, after all_), and the tumour-ridden body up in the lab is now Igor. 33 for the ruthlessly pedantic, perhaps unconsciousness would be a better word. 44 which must be getting a bit old by now. 55 using his Limz R Us prehensile flippers. 66 Stupid words R Us proudly present their latest range: ridiculous insults, to accompany their swear-words, currency etc.