Zool III: The Crackly Bits Episode 10 by Tim Martin WHY? Discuss... ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ It was a dull start to a dull day. Clouds frisked, the wind playfully blew old women in front of buses, and, at the Frog and Pantechnician, Nurg and Jitter were furnishing the bar with several of the patrons who hadn't had the courtesy to spill their drinks. The Celtic twins were dead, but Death didn't want the hassle. ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ On a Klingon ship thundering away from Zool death planet where the intractable criminals of 10,000 worlds etc. towards Earth, Glamorous blew a delicate fractal smoke-ring at the mirrored ceiling, then turned and exhaled a cloud of aconite smoke over David Icke. "You may be hung like a mule but you're a fuck awful lover," she commented. The turquoise stallion was unperturbed by the criticism. "Oh David," moaned Sidekick, "Ohh David." ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ In the sleek, black, armed cruiser that shadowed the evil-intentioned craft, Jim diGriz was posing philosophical questions, "Can you imagine it - Cupid walking around in full relfec armour hefting a 30mm gauss rifle?" "I can, " replied Dinalt, superglueing the legs back on spiders. ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ On the Earth peace and goodwill were having a lucky break and were making the most of it. Jew and Arab practised fellatio on each other and Salman Rushdie toured the world in a Trabant, signing copies of his Booker prize winning classic, Jesus built my Hot-Rod. ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ "Do we get to sing now?" asked the Brotherhood. ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ Pennsylvania, recently discovered by John Clute to be the focus of the world's ley-lines, gleamed like a cerussite. The entire surface area of the state had been flattened and covered in ice, ready to stage he coolest TV spectacular of that day - Battlefield Earth - on Ice. 10000 criminals from the state pen were limbering up and rehearsing the intricate patterns that would carve the potent occult squiggles on the glacial surface. The organisers hoped that the huskies wouldn't piss all over it first. ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ The mule just wanted his genitals back. Unpierced. ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ Molin stared down from the circling `copter. The Penguin had seen ice before and wasn't impressed. "Awesome," gasped Molin, in awed tones. He inclined his head towards Clute, transfixing the lantern-jawed hunk with a look of adoring teenage love. "Oh Clutey babes, you're a genius. But are you sure this pattern will really send a cataclysmic cold ray searing into space to vaporise the Klingon ship, communicate with intelligent alien life-forms, discover the missing mass of the universe and flush God's celestial lavatory?" The penguin thought the pattern would be a mother of all lawsuits trademark violation. ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ "_ I ain't cheap, but I'm thorough and I get the job done, with me you can expect a lot of gratuitous sex and violence, a trail of corpses and a final roof-top showdown, all strictly `first-person' only_" ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ The Man in Black looked at his darkly clad companion. "Do you ever get fed up of being a one-dimensional, one adjective description stereotype?" he enquired. His Nobel Peace Prize winning brother-in-sombre-cloth, who bore an uncanny resemblance to Rutgar Hauer in the Guinness ad's, was going through a complex emotional phase after an encounter with a dolphin and so didn't reply. ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ Mrs. Lord hefted the herring thoughtfully. "Just stand there luv, I'm sure I remember seeing something on the telly about this." ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ The six year old twins idly watched their parents fighting over the TV remote control and arguing about the washing up. "Tch, kids of yesterday!" they said to each other and jacked in. ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ At Hell's kitchen the gold lamé suited, well quiffed ad killer sideburned chef swivelled his pelvis and sang, `You add a shake of this, And you add a dash of that, You cackle with insanity, And go look for the cat.' ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ Behind that mild mannered exterior lies a screaming void across which car salesmen roam. To be continued_