Chapter IV: The Swordsman's Oaf John Phillips , 10/2/2000 Meanwhile, on the other side of the galaxy, on a planet suspiciously similar to Earth, whose inhabitants happen, by freak chance, to be identical to humans, and speak perfect English: Aeron glanced around. From his vantage point on the rocky bluff he could see the vale of Trry, and castle StrongFort, his home for many years. Finally, his quest was nearing completion, and the Sword of Giving Really Rather Good Powers would be his. He could almost imagine it in his hands. With that sword he could right the wrongs of his world, vanquish the evil. He would finally be respected. The wind howled through the nearby copse of trees. Oddly enough, Aeron hadn't noticed those particular tree's being there before. Now, as a (fledgling) heroic type, Aeron couldn`t afford to be superstitous, but only a fool would ignore auch a blatant Plot Device (TM). It must be a sign. A sign from the mighty god of this world. A sign from Author. The tree's russled in the wind, almost seeming to speak. "Zool. Zoooooool." Memories flooded back to Aeron. "Zool" Aeron said to no one in particular, "Zool. That is a name I have not heard in a long time. The planet of my birth, from whence my parents sent me when I was but a child. Sent me to this place, so I might have a chance to learn. To grow. To take my rightful place." The wind began to gust harder. Aeron continued, "Zool, death planet where the renegade criminals of ten thousand worlds..." "Etc." The trees seemed to add (in direct contravenance of all known laws of wind-plant interaction) as the wind once again rushed through them. Aeron turned sharply at this. Just then, an unusually strong gust blew Aeron's heavy black cloak sharply to the side. His trained hero's senses indicating he was in danger of looking foolish, Aeron neatly sidestepped, grasping the hem of the cloak as he went... and promptly fell off the side of the outcropping on which he was standing on. The wind was not _the_ begining, but it was _a_ begining... * * * "Fuckwit" Prince Benedict Armaline lowered his telescope and turned away from the window. "That's the third so called hero who's gone off the Rocky Outcropping of Windiness in as many months." "'Tis said that there is a tree," began the old man. "Shut-up you old fool" countered the Prince, "Everyone in the castle knows about the Tree of Trickery, there's no point in explaining what it is every time you talk about it. Now, go and fetch anything that idiot left behind in the castle." Castle StrongFort, located as it was within the Vale of Trry, always had an unusually large number of wannabe hero's visiting. Most of these hero's, being the types who are trying to avenge wrongs done to them, and win the hearts of fair maidens, had no next of kin (or at least none within easy distance). Thus, any belongings which were left in the castle after their inevitable deaths reverted to the ownership of the King. Routing through such remains of a man's life was one of Benedicts favourite hobbies. As he stood pondering what he would discover in this next batch of belongings, the door to the tower room swung open and a women entered. "Hello mother, to what do I owe this pleasure?" "I'll have none of your impertinence" retruned the Queen, "I've had quite enough of you". "But why mother? Have I not agreed to marry that ugly hag of a daughter of the Duke Rumourman? Am I not here looking over the Kingdom when others of my age would be galavanting about on heroic adventures? What can I have done to upset you now." "Well you know that I never intended you to marry Zelda. She's a few Links short of a Nintendo game, and her looks are truly appauling. I had rather hoped that the threat would spur you into going on some quest to locate a fair Princess to marry." "But I don't want to marry a fair princess. They're more trouble than they're worth. Firstly you have to go off on some Author-awful quest to actually find them. Then when you have found them and convinced them to marry you, they all turn out to be dreadful snobs who want nothing more then to sit around and do their embroidery all day... Are you listening to me mother?". "Wha... ?", the Queen quickly put her embroidery down, "Of course I'm listening to you. You were talking about Zelda?" "No Mother. Anyway, if I married a princess she'd only go off and have an affair with some stablehand after a few years, and where would that leave the kingdom." The Queen began to pace up and down the room, deep in thought. "I see I'm going to have to take some drastic action. I'm sorry Benedict, but if you don't go off on a quest this instant then I'm going to have your father strip you of your rank and privileges." "Bu..." began the Prince, as the door to the tower room swung open. "No buts. You can start getting ready now." The old man stepped into the room and cleared his throat. "My Queen, Prince Benedict. I have bought the items you required, Prince. This one, in particular seems most intriguing." The old man handed Benedict a cyliner, about 6 inches high, 5 in diameter. Benedict studied it carefully. "Ha. A trans-dimensional ergonic translation anchor." said the prince cyptically. "A what?" "How did you know that" began the Queen and the old man simultaneously. "Oh, it's obvious" replied the Prince, "It's written on the bottom." "And what, pray tell, is the purpose of this device". "Well, it allows the user to instantaneously transport himself and anyone else touching the device to somewhere else". "And I supose that's written on the bottom as well, Prince" "No, you fool, I learned it in my trans-dimensional physics lectures." The Prince paused, as a blindingly obvious thought slowed built within his head, "By Author! This bauble could be the perfect staring place for my great quest. Ha! But first I must outfit myself with the appropriate equipment - to the Seamstress." * * * With unbelievable swiftness, Prince Benedict, with the old man in tow, rushed to the castle seamstress. "Seamstress, I require a suit of your finest magical protective clothing" demanded the Prince. The seamstress rapidly returned with a heavy grey cloak, "This be the finest garment of shielding I have seen in all my years as the seamstress of castle StrongFort, the Cloak of PGP." "The legendary Cloak of PGP" chimed the Prince and old man together. "One and the same. 'Tis said that it prooves the wearer is who he claims to be, as is virtually un-crackable" The Prince struggled to think of some cutting witticism involving public keys, but, failing miserably, decided to press on with the preparations. "Now I am protected, but I must have a weapon with which to fight - to the armourey". * * * The Prince dashed to the armourey, only to find it closed for the night. "Drat. Where shall I find a sword at this late hour." The Prince's incredible neurons leapt into action, taking barely minutes to find the solution: "The Sword of Giving Really Rather Good Powers!" Barely containing his feigned interest, the Prince sprinted to the Rocky Outcropping of Windiness. "Ordarlen" "Ordalennnnnnnn", murmured the Tree of Trickery. "And if you think I'm falling for that you've got another thing coming. I know full well that my mother had an affair with Baron Ordalen, and I was the result, and what's more, I don't particularly care". "Wha..." began the old man, turning to face the Prince in amazement, only to loose his footing and slip over the side. ":-)" said the trees, in a very curious manner. "Never mind," cried the Prince "the Sword o'GRRGP is within my grasp". Climbing the last few steps to the Magical Altar of the Sword of Giving Really Rather Good Powers (placed there, it was said, by the Goddess of Excess Capitilisation), Benedict took the sword into his hand. "At last, mighty Author, now I may begin my quest!" Benedict pulled out the trans-dimensional ergonic translation anchor. With a few swift yanks, he triggered the device. Swirling beams of scintilating twisting light consumed Benedict in a carousel of colour and an over-wordy description. In an instant, Prince Benedict Armaline was gone. * * * "I HAVE COME FOR YOU, AND THIS PITIFUL PLANET OF ZOOL. I AM THE PLANET EATER. I AM UNICRON." There was a shocked silence, and then a flurry of action as all three fleets in orbit around the planet moved rapidly into defensive formation. It was too little, too late. Stabbing beams of translucent opaque energy engulfed the fleets. In barely more than an instant all three of the fleets were just so much interstellar dust. But all hope was not lost. On each of the flagships, barely an instant before they were vapourised, last ditch emergency escape systems flared quietly into action. Three seperate trans-dimensional ergonic translation projectors instantaneously flung three seperate captains out of the clutches of doom. * * * As the light from the trans-dimensional ergonic translation faded back into the usual twilight, four different individuals looked around, searching desperately for something familiar. Prince Benedict, Commander Bhond, Captain Zap and Tabby surveyed their surroundings. "I am Prince Benedict Armaline, I am on a quest to save the universe and to win the heart of a fair maiden. Who, pray tell, are you?" "I am space Captain Zap. This is my friend Tabby, commander of the Cat Team, King of Catworld, etc. etc. The other one you see is Commander Bhond, my new found nemesis." "But where are we?" Where indeed, intrepid readers. All will be revealed in the next exciting chapter of Zool: Resurrection.