Chapter V: zOoL

Niall Harrison <niall.harrison@magdalen.oxford.ac.uk>, 25/2/2000

	Commander Bhond idly watched the ashes from the fire spiral lazily
into the crisp evening air, working out exactly how many of his limbs he'd
give for a working weapon of some kind.  Sadly the trans-dimensional
ergonic translator had done it's job far to efficiently to allow him to
lay his hands on anything so practical as a blaster; and the same appeared
to be true for his erstwhile foes, Zap and that infernal cat being.  Which
meant that, absurd as it was, all three of them - three of the mightiest
warlords in the galaxy! - were at the mercy of some savage brandishing a
blade of dulled steel; a savage, who, at the moment, appeared to be deep
in converstation with Zap.

"So, *where* did you say you came from, exactly?"

"I was in orbit around Zool, death planet where the renegade criminals of
ten thousand worlds, etc....surely you've heard of it?"

"It must lie across the burning desserts of pedantry; none have ever
returned.  That was to be my quest, in fact, until I found yon ergonomic
translator.  Now, I am on a quest to save the universe and -"

"-win the heart of a fair maiden," interjected Tabby.  "Yes, you've told
us that about fifty times already.  What you haven't mentioned is the
nature this quest will take - what, exactly, are you attempting to save
the universe *from*?"

"Well, the Dark Lord of course.  What else?"

"Quite," purred the feline, "and where were you planning to locate said
Lord?"

"Well, obviously, as a tool of the righteous, the ergonomic translator
will guide me.  Unfortunately, it appears to have broken."  The prince
picked the dented machine off the ground and gave it a wistful shake.
Something rattled.  "See?  Do you think you can fix it?"

"Don't be absurd," said Bhond, "no-one can fix an ergonomic translator
that's been used.  The damn things are designed for one-use only; just
enough to get you out of trouble.  It would have been pretty stupid of the
corporation to sell them as re-usable items, now wouldn't it?  Who'd
bother with spaceflight then?"  He stood up, brushing the dirt from his
jumpsuit.  "We're stuck here, the four of us, and that's that.  Whatever
has happened to Zool will have to wait until we can find a way home.  And
we can't begin to do that until it's light.  I suggest we get some sleep,
and reconnoitre properly in the morning."  Without waiting for an answer,
the supreme commander of St John's forces turned and made for a
particularly soft-looking patch of grass, lay down, and went to sleep.

			*	*	*

	Bhond made sure he was the first to wake.  Sitting, and then
standing, he looked around.  They had slept on what appeared to be a
manicured grass lawn.  In front of him, and stretching out to either side,
was an immense tawny-bricked building, all arches and gargoyles.  Behind,
another, more elaborate stone building; older, by the look of it, with
moss covering the roughly-hewn gray bricks.  On his left, more manicured
lawns, separated by neat gravel paths; and to his right, a wrought-iron
gate, opening onto a bridge which crossed a narrow stream before wending
its way around a large field filled with deer placidly sleeping.
Narrowing his eyes with suspicion, he gave Zap a kick.

"Hey!"

"Wake up, fool.  Does this not look familiar to you?"

Zap raised himself on one elbow, and glanced around.  "Hey, yeah, it's
like one of those colleges you guys are always harping on about.  I
thought they'd all been destroyed?"

"Almost.  Many were, indeed, reduced to little more than piles of glowing
embers during the nuclear fire that rained down upon Oxford a scant
millennium ago; but a few used their fabulous wealth to shield themselves,
and escape into space, where they remain hidden to this day.  Exeter,
Worcester, Merton....and Magdalen.  My college swore an oath of vengence
against those who escaped, even whilst rebuilding a new and better
headquarters for itself.  We never did succeed in finding them,
though...but now, it looks as if our luck may have changed," the Commander
grinned broadly.  "Perhaps, for once, some good will come of our
involvement with that accursed death-planet; for unless my eyes decieve
me, we have landed in Magdalen itself!"

By this point, the other two members of the party were awake and listening
to Bhond's words.  Tabby looked around in awe, the Prince in some
bemusement.  The former seemed on the verge of speaking, but was
interrupted by a screaming whine; from nowhere a dark green shape suddenly
flashed across the lawn, all white teeth and hard scales, severing the
poor feline's head from it's shoulders in an explosion of bloody ruin.  
The prince threw himself to one side, coming out of a tight roll with his
sword drawn to face the demon; but whatever it was, it was gone.  Zap
swore, running to the corpse of his ally.  "Tabby!"

The prince looked to go to him, but Bhond laid a restraining hand on the
younger man's shoulders.  "Leave him," he said harshly, "we must move -
and quickly.  Zap, cease your whining!"

At that, the Captain looked up, tears leaving glistening trails along his
face.  "What sort of damned college does this to visitors?!"

"A paranoid one," returned the Commander, "which is why we must move.  If
I remember the plans correctly, the plodge - the command centre - is
through cloisters.  This way!"

The three moved off warily, constantly glancing around for any sign of the
deranged monster that had killed the cat.  But there were no signs of
life, only an eerie silence.

			*	*	*

"I didn't realise the old colleges were so damned big!" gasped Zap, "how
much further?"

"Not all were as large as Magdalen," Bhond replied absently.  "Corpus, for
instance, you could easily have fitted inside your left shoe.  In fact,
the only real rivals for Magdalen in terms of size were St John's and
Christchurch, but their superstructures were razed to the ground with the
other colleges."

"Superstructures?  You mean -"

At that moment, the Prince whirled, drawing his sword as he turned.  With
a swift thrust he impaled the creature that had been about to decapitate
Zap on a nearby bench.  The green thing twitched spasmodically for a
while, before lying still.  Even so, it was a few moments before any of
the travellers dared approach it.  Bhond was the first.

"It's mechanical!"

"Of course it is, ye fool!  By the code, don't ye know a Jeremy-class
Screamer when ye see one?!  Mister Christopher, see what ye can get from
that monster; we'll need those parts later.  Now, where in the net did ye
three port from?"

All three travellers stared in complete astonishment at the two new
arrivals.  One - the shorter - looked somewhat like a ball on legs.  It
held a notepad in one stubby hand.  The taller appeared to be built from
cubes, stacked one on the other, and was wearing a large red
three-cornered hat, and a red suit with gold lace trimmings.  An elegant
gold monocle covered his single large eye, and he pointed a cutlass at the
three adventurers.  "What manner of creatures are you?" demanded the
prince.

"They appear to be robots"  observed Bhond.

"Robots?"  responded the taller of the two individuals.  "Robots?  By the
code, are ye so scanned ye don't even recognise the Crimson Binome?"

"The crimson *what*?"  asked Zap.

"Binome.  Again I ask, which system are ye from?"

"Until recently, Zap here and myself were in the Zool system; The overly
dramatic Prince, on the other hand, appeared out of thin air, as it were."

"Zool, eh?  Can't say I've heard of it.  Are you on the web?"

"Look, er, binome - "

"That's captain to ye!"

"Captain, then.  We don't know where we are.  Our trans-dimensional
ergonomic translators dumped us here when our ships were detroyed by
Unicron, the destroyer of worlds.  I believe it to be the lost sanctuary
of the president and deans of Magdalen; am I correct?"

"In a manner of speaking, lad, in a manner of speaking..."

"Well, then, you must help me.  I seek to destroy this place and those who
rule it.  Are you with me or against me?"

"Are the three of ye together on this?"

Zap and Benedict glanced at each other.  The Prince spoke first.  "I am on
a quest to save the universe and win the heart of a fair maiden; unless
you care to supply a better example, I see no reason why I should not join
Commander Bhond in tracking this Dark Lord to his lair and slaying him!"
With that, he pulled his sword from the bench, brandished it dramatically
overhead, and tucked it into it's scabbard. 

"Until recently, Bhond and I were the deadliest of enemies.  But
circumstance makes strange bedfellows, and I have less love for the
University than most.  I'm with him."

The Captain shook his head.  "Foolish souls ye be, indeed.  Brave - but
foolish.  Come, then, if ye wish to know the secret of this place."

With that, he turned and walked off, followed by his companion.  The three
companions glanced at each other, then at the thing the Captain had
referred to as a 'screamer', and then followed.

			*	*	*

"There it is!"

The five of them were crouched in the shadows of an immense and ornate
wooden gate, looking out over a barren stone quad at their destination:
the plodge.  There were no people to be seen; only a group of what
appeared to be fish, floating about a metre off the ground.  The sun was
high in the sky by this point, and Bhond had to rub his eyes when he saw
the shadows the creatures were casting.  "Zap, do you see - "

"So, that is his lair," said Benedict.  "I say we launch a frontal assault
right now.  There are no guards posted, and no obvious defences; they
aren't expecting any trouble."

"By the code, lad!  How did you get to be so big with such a tiny brain?
Do ye really think they'd leave themselves defenceless?"

"Well, what do *you* suggest?" queried Zap.  "You seem to know so much
about this place, after all..."

"That's right, I *do* know about this place.  Ye'd do well to listen more
and question less.  Now, what we must do is - "  the Captain was cut off
in mid-speech as a vast column of flame burst into existence in the middle
of the quad, incinerating the fish and stretching high into the sky.

"THIS IS THE VOICE OF THEN MEGATRON!  HEAR IT AND TREMBLE, O MORTALS!"

"What *now*," groaned Bhond.

"LISTEN AS THE MEGATRON SPEAKS!  THERE ARE UNAUTHORISED PERSONNEL IN THE
COLLEGE!  SEEK THEM OUT AND DESTROY!  THE MEGATRON HAS SPOKEN!"

"Defenceless, eh?"  Zap glaned at the Prince with a raised eyebrow.
"Looks to me like we might be a little outclassed."

"Fear not, lad - it is not us of which the megatron speaks.  Look!"  With
his cutlass, the Captain gestured to the far side of the quad.  There
stood four humanoids, with varying skin colours, wearing dirty white
overalls and clutching what appeared to be some form of energy weapon.  A
cable connected the guns to power packs on the back of the four.  One, the
shortest, with green skin, shouted "Spoken too soon, I think,
Mega-breath," upon which the apparent leader of the group slid a small box
towards the still-incandescent pillar in the centre of the quad.

"Who ya gonna call, megatron?"

Simultaneously, all four figures fired on the entity.  Coruscating beams
of energy lashed out towards it, enfolding it in a neon caress of power.
The megatron screamed, a long, drawn out wail which caused the heads of
the five companions still huddled in the archway to vibrate ominously.

"We must get inside!" shouted Bhond.  "Quickly, whilst it's distracted!"

The five began running towards the plodge, keeping to the edge of the
quad, shielding their eyes from the blinding energies being released scant
metres away.  As they reached the entrance to the plodge, Bhond glanced
back over his shoulder to see the megatron apparently being drawn into the
box-device released by the leader of their saviours.  Without waiting to
see what happened next, he stumbled through the door and slammed it shut
behind him.  Gasping for breath, he turned to face the others.

"Who *were* those guys?"

He didn't have time to hear the answer, however; from everywhere and
nowhere a female voice came, saying "Game Over.  The User loses". Suddenly
the commander felt light-headed.  His surroundings seemed to lose solidity
as he gazed at them, periodically fading to transparency to reveal another
world beyond.  The walls bulged outwards, as if under immense strain.  His
companions appeared to be changing before his eyes, appearing variously as
human, alien, and unidentifiable.  A wind picked up from nowhere, howling
through his mind and scattering his thoughts around the room.  

Then, suddenly, there was silence, and darkness.

			*	*	*

For the second time that day, Commander Bhond opened his eyes on
unfamiliar surroundings.  Although 'surroundings' appeared to be a
somewhat generous term for a place which appeared to have no discernible
features.  There was no colour, no shape, and (as he was somewhat alarmed
to discover when he glanced down), no ground.  He tried speaking, but no
sound came out.  He tried moving his limbs, but appeared to have none;
just a point of conciousness, all alone in the night.  All about was a
featureless void, nothingness in all directions.  Except, that wasn't
quite true.  As the Commander examined his surroundings more closely, his
perception adjusted to this new existence, and he percieved some
discontinuity about him.  One, two - four in total, all simply points of
difference with his surroundings.  And different to each other, as well;
one appeared to have the characteristic that Bhond would have defined as
crimson, if it hadn't been for the total abscence of colour.  He tried
focussing on that one, and found that the it was as if he was bringing the
singularity into focus.  Concurrently, it seemed as if he could 'hear'
things; more impressions, thoughts than actual sounds, and nothing he
could readily define, but something outside himself, nonetheless. He was
not alone.

After a time, during which the Commander could detect no changes in his
existence, he decided to attempt contact with the singularity.  He
attemped to expand one single point to crystal clarity, reaching from the
deepest inner mind to the outer limits of the continuum, with a certain
amount of success; he seemed to have established some kind of link to the
other point.  Or rather, the entity; for Bhond recieved the distinct
impression that it was concious, thinking, and in fact trying to
communicate with *him*  In fact - 

"Captain!"

The word was felt, rather than said.  It hung in the nothingness between
the two points, then drifted away into nonexistence a few seconds later.
No response.

"Captain, is that you?"

"Commander?  By the code, be ye *alive*?"

Again, the sense was not of speech, but of a *knowing*; some kind of link
had been established between the two, and now the ideas flowed more
freely.

"Captain, what has happened?  Where are we?  *What* are we?"

"The game ended, lad.  We should have been returned to the main system,
but something has gone wrong."

"Game?  What game?"

"Where we were before.  The college.  The megatron.  By the code, you
didn't think tht was *real*, did you?"

Bhond considered.  The ergonomic translator came with no guarantees as to
where it translated its users; just that they would be safe.  Other
existences were a perfectly possible end-point.  But -

"All of that was a *game*?  How is that possible? It seemed...real!"

"It's one of the most advanced games ever developed.  It's
called....zOoL."  The concept was transmitted with a distinct capital O
and capital L.  But...Zool?  The coincedence was too great.  

"If that was a game, did we win?"

"Not us lad, but allies, yes, they won."

"So where are we now?  Shouldn't we have been ejected from the system?"

"That's what I was trying to tell ye, lad.  By the code, when will you
learn to listen?  Something has gone wrong.  We're trapped."

Bhond could feel the horror in the binome's voice, palpably real in this
stange existence.  "You mean....?"

"Aye, lad.  We're still in the game!"

			TO BE CONTINUED.....