If this machine is out of order, please see the landlord.
– if it's in order, please see the barmaid.
This is the worst chewing-gum I've ever tasted.
– yes, but you can blow fantastic bubbles.
Buy me and stop one.
Buy two and be one jump ahead.
Buy 144 and be grossly oversexed.
Place £2 in slot, wait for coins to drop, pull handle out,
push firmly back.
– if this is sex, it sounds extremely boring.
Cuts out oven doubt.
Approved to British Standard BS3704
– so was the Titanic!
My Dad says they don't work.
Someone, somewhere wants a letter from you.
New Shape! New Sensitivity!
– but the same old feeling.
Beware Limbo Dancers
(At bottom of cubicle door)
Beware Irish Limbo Dancer
((At top of cubicle door)
If you can reach this high you should be in the fire brigade.
(Above urinal)
Wet Paint.
This is not an instruction.
(Above urinal)
Please do not throw cigarette ends in the urinal.
– it makes them all soggy and hard to light.
Masturbation stunts the growth.
(Bottom of cubicle door) – now you tell me.
Thank God, a man at last!
(Underside of seat in Ladies)
Sociology degrees – please take one.
(Above toilet roll holder)
Mary – if you're reading this, we're through.
(In a Gents)
The future of the nation is in your hands.
Doesn't anything or anybody work in this place?
– yes me, I put up the Out of Order signs.
If you sprinkle while you tinkle,
Be a sweetie, lift the seatie.
Here I sit, broken-hearted -
Paid a penny and only farted.
I am a practising transvestite. Meet me here Sunday at 8pm.
– how will I recognise you?
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the performance.
Beware! Jacques Cousteau filming.
Jaws III
Just when you thought it was save to back in the loo...
If you can read this, you're peeing all over your shoes.
Press button for a 60-second speech from Cecil Parkinson.
(On electric hand-dryer)
ADVANCE TOWELMASTER
– and be recognised.
Schizophrenia rules, OK, OK
Cowardice rules, if that's OK by you.
Queen Elizabeth rules, UK.
Potassium Ethoxide rules C2H5OK
Physics rules, -273C
Amnesia rules, O
Personal Hygiene rules, BO.
Anarchy, no rules, OK?
Hurlingham rules, crocquet.
Procrastination will rule one day, OK?
Rooner Spules, KO?
Nostalgia rules, hokey-cokey?
Proof-readers rule, 01<?
Apathy rul
The King of Siam rules Bangk,OK.
Pedants rule, OK. Or more precisely, exhibit certain of the conventional trappings of leadership.
Town criers rule – okez, okez, okez.
-- --- .-. ... . ._. ..- ._.. . ... --- -.- ..--..
French dockers rule, au quai?
James Bond rules, OOK?
Bureaucracy rules, OK
OK
OK
Agnostics may or may not rule, OK?
The Rubaiyat rules, OK?
Queensberry Rules, KO?
Slide Rules, OK?
My girlfriend wears black rubber and whips me. Ohhhh Kay!
British trees rule. Oak, eh?
Synonyms govern, all right.
Royce Rolls, KO?
Pavlov rules,
Jargon rules, ongoing agreement situation.
Dyslexics lure, KO.
Heisenberg probably rules, OK.
Anagrams or luke?
Roget's Thesaurus dominates, regulates, rules, OK, all right, adequately.
George Gershwin rules. "Oh, Kay"
Rogers and Hammerstein rule Ok.
OK sauce rules, HP.
Matadors rule, ole!
Pope Innocent is pious, OK?
Balliol boot boys rule, OK?
Free the ITV 7.
Free the Heinz 57.
Free the M62.
Free the VAT 69.
Free the Chiltern Hundreds.
Free the InterCity 125.
Free Collective Bargaining.
– He's innocent.
Free Deirdre Rachid!
– with every 5 gallons..
Deirdre Rachid is innos inocc guilty
Bill Stickers Will Be Prosecuted
– Bill Stickers is innocent!
Breakfast in London.
Lunch in New York.
– luggage in Bermuda.
(British Airways poster)
BRITISH RAIL ADVISE THAT THIS THOROUGHFARE IS NOT DEDICATED TO THE
PUBLIC.
– neither is British Rail
WARNING. PASSENGERS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO CROSS THE LINES.
– it takes hours to untangle them.
Every day, 88 InterCity trains leave Birmingham.
– but only 5 get back.
THIS IS THE AGE OF THE TRAIN
– ours was 107
Burgers in Berkshire,
Wine in Wiltshire,
Coffee in Cornwall.
– sick in St Ives.
(BR catering poster)
75% OF BISHOPS TAKE THE TIMES.
– the other 25% pay for it.
The First Three Minutes of Life Can be the Most Dangerous.
– the last three are pretty dodgy, too.
TO MAVIS ENDERBY
AND OLD BOLINGBROKE ->
– the gift of a son.
HANDEL'S ORGAN WORKS.
– so does mine.
Do you have a Drink Problem?
– yes, I can't afford it.
Jesus Saves!
– with the Co-op bank.
Jesus Saves!
– but Bremner scores on the rebound.
Jesus Christ is Coming!
– only if he remembers to change at Darlington.
Jesus Lives!
– does this mean we won't get an Easter holiday?
GLORY TO GOD IN THE HIGH ST
(Defaced Church poster)
Are You Tired of Sin, and Longing for a Rest?
– if not, phone Bayswater 587364
Prayer Meeting 8pm. Refreshments provided afterwards.
– come to pray, stay to scoff.
Reading maketh a full man;
Conference a ready man;
And writing an exact man
- Bacon
– a fat man.
In 1066, near this spot, the Romans landed and were repelled by the
men of Romney
– so am I.
The Revd Charles Spurgeon departed for Heaven at 6.30am today.
– 10.45am. Not yet arrived. Getting anxious. Peter.
Soft Shoulders.
– warm thighs.
(Roadside sign)
HARWICH FOR THE CONTINENT.
– Frinton for the incontinent
It is forbidden to throw tantrums on the line.
(London tube station)
Vaseline makes the coming easy. And the going back.
Two nuns in a bath. One says, "where's the soap?" The other one says, "yes, it does, doesn't it."
I just exposed myself to two nuns. One fainted, the other had a stroke.
In a recent survey, 10% of men said they preferred women with fat legs, 10% preferred women with thin legs, and the other 80% said they preferred something in-between.
In recent tests, 138% of maths teachers scored below average.
You can divide the world into two sorts of people. Those who divide the world into two sorts of people...
For a good time, ring 123.
What's the difference between a barrow-boy and a dachshund?
One bawls out his wares, the other has blue eyes.
What's a man with a 12-inch prick have for breakfast?
Well, this morning I had coffee...
I've got a 12-inch prick, but I don't use it as a rule.
How did I get a 12-inch prick?
By folding it in half.
In the beginning was the word. And the word was Aardvark.
The early worm gets the bird.
Man is born free, but everywhere is in chains. Smash the cistern.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% mortality rate.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
I'm pink, therefore I'm spam.
There was no way. Zen there was.
Genghis Kahn but Emmanuel Kant.
Your karma has run over my dogma.
How will I know if I'm enlightened?
This statement is false.
Tapeworms reach the parts that even Heineken cannot reach.
Dyslexics of the world untie!
What's DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to santa?
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
The Eskimos are God's frozen people.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
All men eat but Fu Manchu.
Beam me up where?
Is muffin the mule a criminal offence?
Perforation is a rip-off.
I believe in love at first site.
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Virginity is like a balloon. One prick and it's gone.
To all virgins – thanks for nothing.
I've just lost my virginity.
– let me help you look for it.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
– it will be one day though.
I like sadism, necrophilia and bestiality. Am I flogging a dead horse?
Heteros go homo.
Some girls shrink from sex. Others get bigger... and bigger...
Say it with flowers. Give her a Triffid.
Whither atrophy?
Procrastinate now!
But for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.
Good job Dr. Spooner never knew about Friar Tuck and his cunning stunts.
What made Elizabeth Arden?
When Max Factor.
Was Handel a crank?
Quasimodo – now that name rings a bell.
Paul Daniels – now there's a name to conjure with.
Please do not touch me.
Please do not touch.
Please do not.
Please do.
Please.
Ohhh!
I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I
Tolkein is Hobbit-forming.
To do is to be – Rousseau.
To be is to do – Sartre.
Doo-be-doo-be-doo – Sinatra.
Support Women's Lib. Make him sleep in the damp patch.
Women's Libbers should all be put behind bras.
The best things in life are duty-free.
Is the Regent's Park toilet a Zulu?
Stockhausen is terrible, especially if you tread in it.
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR!
(See driver for details)
Sex Appeal.
Please give generously.
Give peace a aarghh...
Uncle George died of asbestosis. It took us three months to cremate him.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
Free Access through field to footpath
– However, the bull charges.
Yesterday I couldn't even spell engineer.
Now I are one.
If 100 Essex girls were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
Why do Essex girls wear C & A knickers?
So they know which way round to put them on.
Karl Marx's grave is just another communist plot.
Rugby is a game played by men with odd-shaped balls.
Why do fireman have bigger balls than policeman?
Because they sell more tickets.
Nerves of steel, heart of gold, and a knob of butter.
Abstinence is the thin end of the pledge.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Don't let them cut hire education.
Dwelling-unit sweet dwelling-unit.
Last month's meeting of the Apathy Society has just been cancelled.
God is alive and well and working on a less ambitious project.
When God made man she was only practising.
Racist language should be blacked.
You don't buy beer, you only rent it.
I thought wanking was a Chinese city until I discovered Smirnoff.
Psychologists produce habits out of rats.
TS Eliot is an anagram of toilets.
Sex Discrimination Hotline – switchboard manned 24 hours.
Before I discovered women, I though love was just a pain in the arse.
This wall has been designated MS Bodl 20539 and will shortly be removed for rebinding.
Women like the simple things in life – like men.
Why are men like lavatories?
They're either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.
A women without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
– yeh, but who needs a stationary haddock?
It begins when you sink in his arms. And ends with your arms in his sink.
Men only put women on pedestals so they can look up their skirts.
Men who put women on pedestals rarely knock them off.
I haven't been inside a woman since I visited the Statue of Liberty.
The biggest drawback in the world – an elephant's foreskin.
Ignore this sign.
I've told you a hundred thousand times, stop exaggerating!
Skinheads have more hair than brains.
Archduke Franz Ferdinand found alive. First World War a mistake.
Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister.
Cunnilingus is not an Irish airline.
Oral sex is a matter of taste.
If little girls are made of sugar and spice, why do they taste of tuna?
My girlfriend wears a black garter in memory of all those who've passed beyond.
Alas, poor Yorlik – I knew him backwards.
All coppers are bent.
– so that's why they get keep getting stuck in the slot.
If Typhoo put the T in Britain, who put the arse in Marseilles?
If Typhoo put the T in Britain, who put the cunt in Scunthrorpe?
I used to be a necrophiliac until some rotten cunt split on me.
What do you get if you cross a microchip with a vagina?
Some little cunt that knows it all.
My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips. But now it's all over.
Women are like pianos – when they're not upright, they're grand.
Down with gravity!
Gravity is a myth. The earth sucks.
Marijuana has nevre dunn mi nya hram.
My mother made me a homosexual.
– if I get her the wool, will she make one for me too?
Nothing succeeds like a parrot.
Racial prejudice is just a pigment of the imagination.
Veni. Vidi. Vivi.
Vidi. Vici. Veni.
Vici. Veni. VD.
© Peter Higginbotham.