Inferno Oxford University Role Playing Games Society
Inferno 1881 News


Back to the Main Page Back to the Information Page Back to the Inferno Page

INFERNO

News 1881

(from Le Soir) DIRECTRIX HEADS UP A.R.S.E.

France's leading scientist, Tallow Directrix, showed journalists round the amazing Academy for Research & Scientific Exploration this year. Is there no end to the inventive genius of our nation's brilliant minds?

DISRAELI, GLADSTONE SLAIN IN TERRORIST OUTRAGES

A campaign of terror has been waged against the sacred edifice of British politics this year. First newly-elected Conservative Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli was horrifically stabbed to death by an assassin at Number Ten, while across the country the Liberal Shadow Cabinet were set upon and butchered by a squadron of heavily-armed men. At least Mr Gladstone managed to put up a spirited fight before taking a bullet in the chest: police arriving swiftly on the scene found amongst the corpses the body of the disfigured unfortunate who had visited Mr Gladstone only the year before as aide to Austrian ambassador Friedrich von Ardsburg.

GRAND DUCHESS ANASTASIA ON OFFICIAL VISIT TO ENGLAND

The travelling Grand Duchess Anastasia graced England with her presence this year. Usually noted for her private holidays to different parts of Europe, this year she visited England in her more official capacity, attending various social functions. With the Tsar expressing his support for England in its current dispute with America, a high level visit of this kind may well indicate the Tsar's hope of forging closer links with England in the future.

TIME FOR A STEADY HAND

After the brutal murders of both Mister Disraeli and Mister Gladstone this year, Britain has had no choice but to set up a Crisis Government under the leadership of Mister Robert Mey, widely touted as "the only PM hard enough to get us out of this mess". The Terrans have pledged themselves fully to Mr Mey's cause, announcing that their arrival will save mankind from being plunged into savage anarchy at the hands of the godless.

LADY APOLLONIA JOINS MEDICI BANK

Prominent Florentine noble and member of the People's Council Lady Apollonia has joined the board of the Medici Commercial Bank, chairman Gian Gastone de'Medici announced yesterday.

ADIOS AMIGOS

A small uprising of Mexican malcontents near Texas has lost its nerve as President Grant's Terran allies agreed to send a detachment of their war machines to patrol the border.

RUSSIAN NOBLES FOLLOW ANASTASIA'S LEAD

Our Russian staff inform us that more and more Russian nobles are becoming interested in 'charitable works' to help in the difficult lives of the surfs of their country. This follows the lead of Grand Duchess Anastasia, who for some years has been helping set up Hospitals and schools in the poorer parts of the country. The food aid they have provided has been particularly appreciated after the exceptionally harsh winters of the last few years - the continuing cooling of the earth badly affecting some areas of Russia.

IT'S MEAN, IT'S GREEN, IT'S SQUEAKY-CLEAN

An enormous dome of green energy flickered into being around the White House after Terran sensors detected an intruder on the premises. President Grant reported that the interloper was "lucky to escape with his hide intact" and that the same measures would be implemented in Britain before the year was out.

CATHERINE DE'MEDICI RENOUNCES CLAIM

The new heir to the defunct Grand Duchy of Florence, Catherine de'Medici, has renounced her claim to the title. With her two brothers dead and disappeared, the title now descends to Lorenzo the Avaricious's cousin, Cosimo de'Medici of the cadet branch of the family.

GRAND DUKE NICHOLAS FOLLOWS HIS SISTER'S LEAD

Grand Duke Nicholas, heir to the Tsar of Russia, finally seems to have taken notice of his unpopularity amongst his future subjects. This year has seen him become active at last on behalf of his own people - touring the country, and helping aid those worst affected by the vicious winters. We suspect he has been inspired by his much more popular sister, Anastasia, who is now perhaps the most popular of the royal court with the common man. The urban proletariat, however, still seem somewhat unconvinced as to this 'change of heart' and attitude, by those who have ruled them unthinkingly for so long.

FRENCH, SPANIARDS CLASH

Spanish and French troops have skirmished in the Pyrenees following deterioration of relations between the two countries. Although the French have acquitted themselves better in the fighting, a Spanish terrorist attack on the Eiffel Tower has left the great monument tilting at a precarious 45 degree angle.

'CITIZEN MEY' SCREENED COUNTRY-WIDE

Beerbohm Tree's latest entertainment extravaganza, 'Citizen Mey' tells the tale of a man of integrity brought down by inhuman Lobotterists. Audiences screamed in excitement as the 'moving pictures' burst on the screen in vivid green-and-white, moving smoothly with only the vaguest flicker - a triumph for the scientific team of Victor and Digitalis, and an acting coup for Beerbohm Tree himself, particularly in the telling 'stamping on the huge jigsaw' scene.

DIGITALIS OUTFOXED - NOW THE GLOVES ARE OFF

Despite legal advice and assistance from Mr Simon London, and an impassioned speech in her defence from Friedrich von Ardsburg, an Austrian judge found Ariadne Digitalis guilty of treason based on the incontrovertible evidence. The judge sternly advised the court that the usual death sentence for trafficking with enemies of the state would we waived in the light of Herr von Ardsburg's intervention, and that Ms Digitalis would be held by the Austrian government for a period of two years, to convince the court of her devotion to Austria through her work.

SECOND SPAMC SERIES A GREAT SUCCESS

The SPAMC series of races, this year expanded to include Florence and Munich, was won by British driver Malady Evans. The last race, though, was taken by Professor Pat Pending, in his 'Convert-a-Car', considerably more technically advanced than Miss Evans's model - is this the future of racing? Organisers Simon London and Beerbohm Tree announced continued sponsorship and increased profits.

VON ARDSBURG PLANS FOR PRUSSIA

Friedrich von Ardsburg has submitted plans to implement his social welfare programme in the devastated country of Prussia. Since the Kaiser's new chief adviser Count Piontkowski is reputed to have little time for democracy, it remains doubtful whether Ardsburg's measures will ever see the light of day.

STONE OF SCONE STOLEN FROM WESTMINSTER

Patriots are scandalised by the stealing of one of the symbols of the power of the British throne. Thieves took it from the Abbey in the middle of the night, leaving behind only a Scottish flag. This has lead to the obvious conclusion that Scottish Nationalists are behind this blatant defiance of the British Crown, and, in the context of other recent political events, lends a sinister tone to their calls for 'nationalist action'.

ECONOMIC WOES STALK EUROPE

The troubled Austrian economy has lurched from crisis to crisis this year, with hyper-inflation still rampant. Worse, the problem has spread to Austria's trading partners, principally Prussia but even our own great nation. "Inflation is like fleas,", leading economics Dr Ken Maynard told The Times. "They've got a nasty bite, you have to keep scratching, and you never know how far they'll jump." Unless the monetary authorities of Europe can league together to bail Austria out, we could see the whole continent being dragged down with it.

ODINSSON ANATHEMA, ICELAND SHIVERS UNDER INTERDICT

His Holiness the Pope has declared the pagan prophet Odinsson anathema, which is to say that any Christian folk may kill him on sight without it being considered a sin by the Church. Furthermore he has placed Iceland under the Interdict, removing God's holy benison from the land and its people, who are now surely destined to burn in the fires of Hell. Superstitious countryfolk are already blaming the rise in paganism for the fearsome cold Iceland is now experiencing. Surely the Last Days are nigh upon us!

AUF WIEDERSEHEN, PEST

Italy this year waved goodbye to the last Austrian troops on its soil, the remnants of the force which had liberated Tuscany and helped Garibaldi into Venice. This army has been plagued with communication and logistical difficulties throughout its stay in the peninsula - the soldiers were no doubt glad to be returning to Vienna.

PRODUCTION FOR THE FUTURE - THE MECHANICALLY MODELLED MASS MANUFACTURING FACTORY

New technical innovations in the fields of clockwork, automation, steam-power, and calculation engines are all being combined in a new kind of factor. The M5 Factory is designed to maximise production, whilst minimising labour requirements, thus substantially reducing production costs. First to profit from this innovations has been Mathen Motors who announced substantial reductions in the prices of their Steampowered MotorCars, after these new production techniques were introduced in their factories this year. A spokesman said "This may only be the beginning - with the utilisation, and perfection, of this technology we may one day be able to free the working man from the drudgery of factory work." After the recent concerns about the conditions for working men, these innovations must be welcomed by all.

TENNYSON SLAMS YANKS

Alfred, Lord Tennyson has published a long poem protesting American over-mightiness. In it he likens the US to a giant alien monstrosity bent on wrapping the entire world in its tentacles.

Advertisement: PISCATORIO'S EXTRA STRONG ALE:

"So Strong It'll Have You Floundering On The Floor In No Time" - "If The Taste Doesn't Knock You Out Tonight, It Will Tomorrow Morning"

TENNYSON PROTESTS NATIONAL LOBOTTERY

From his seat in the Lords, the Poet Laureate inveighed against the infamous National Lobottery. "It is important for man to use his own mind, and these operations will be removing all the originality".

PROSTITUTION ON THE INCREASE?

We hear worrying news from Scotland Yard that the seedier side of our great capital is on the increase with an increase in the incidents of prostitution. More and more women appear to be falling into the corrupt moral practices which greed can lead them to. Worse still, Scotland Yard is investigating rumours of a cross-London organisation of prostitutes. What form this depraved organisation takes we cannot guess at, but we hope those responsible will soon be caught and dealt with in the manner they deserve.

ANOTHER PROMISING YOUTH CUT DOWN

Cambridge was shocked this year by the death from exhaustion of Gully Bell, brilliant student and captain of the University fencing team. "He was like a man with a mission, in these last few weeks," said a friend. "We never knew quite where he was off to all the time, but you can be sure it was some good cause or other."

DRUGS CULTURE 'HAS STRANGLEHOLD ON CAPITAL'

A recent investigation by Scotland Yard reveals that the drug problem of the capital is escalating out of control, with an ever-increasing percentage of the underclasses now addicted to the powerful new drugs available. It is a sad indicator for the times that those born into poverty would rather lose themselves in debauchery rather than pulling themselves up into civility and living decent lives.

SHERIDAN SLAMS VICTOR

Computer pioneer Professor Archibald Sheridan has slammed Hugo Victor's new ROK MI AMADEUS device as a return to the days of slave labour. "It's a backward step in technology," he fumed, while unveiling his new computer-controlled steam-powered clock - the most reliable and accurate timekeeping device in the world!

>From The Times's letter column:

Sir:
I would like to point out the outrage felt by any upstanding citizen of this country with regard to the story "Angela, or Innocence Maligned" currently serialised in 'England's Days Monthly'. That this filth should be printed within this country is disgusting to me, as it should be to any patriot. Purporting to be some kind of 'instructive tale' it is nothing more than the pornographic story of a woman's descent into corruption and vice. That this should pass itself off as 'entertainment' is disgusting, and a sad demonstration of the moral decay of this country. I hope you will, with myself, call for the banning of this serial, and the prosecution of the author.
Brigadier T. F. Baldershot.

FLORENCE INVADES PIEDMONT

No sooner had the French troops pulled out of Piedmont, leaving Princess Annabella to govern by the will of the people, than a large Florentine force invaded and annexed the province to the People's Republic of North Italy. It seems that no sooner have the Florentines got rid of their own tyrants than they wish to tyrannise their neighbours! Arachne d'Asti said for the People's Council that Princess Annabella would be allowed to remain as Vicereine only on condition that she signed over all power in the region and that French troops did not enter it again.

>From 'How Do You Do?' magazine:

LOVELY LIZZIE PARTIES ON.... BUT CONDEMNS SYMPLASTIQUE

How wonderful it was to see the gorgeous Elizabeth Siddal back on the scene this year, after a couple of years where she has been working so hard we have hardly seen her! She has been seen out and about with her Pre-Raph chums, painting the town red, and being seen in all the right places at the right time - although some would say that it would *have* to be the right time if Lizzie was there! However, Lizzie has been heard to say that although she rates art above all else, she doesn't rate the Symplastique movement - particularly the recent 'terrorist art' attacks that have been plaguing Britain. We here thought it was quite fun, but then as we have learnt in the past usually 'Lizzie Knows Best!'

GARIBALDI INVESTS VENICE

In the light of the continued disturbance in Northern Italy, President Garibaldi has allowed the former Republic of Venice to become a province of the Republic of Naples. He has guaranteed to protect the Venetians against aggression from whatever source.

THE CASE OF THE QUINTESSENT PEKINESE SOLVED BY MERIDIAN MACY-DARE

New Scotland Yard were this week singing the praises of our top British investigator Miss Macy-Dare after she had solved a case that had been baffling them for many months. Said Miss Macy-Dare "It was really quite simple after you realised that the Mormon was actually working for the Guild of Merchant Taylors - then the Professor's death made perfect sense." The case progresses in the High Court.

CELEBRATIONS IN FLORENCE

The people of Florence were once again treated to a series of celebrations to mark the anniversary of their independence, the parades led by the new police force the Guardians of the Revolution, in their jaunty purple uniforms. Life in Florence seems to be one long party under Arachne d'Asti's benevolent rule!

AUSTRIANS OUT, KING SICK, LIECHTENSTEIN GRIEVES

Austrian troops have withdrawn from Liechtenstein but only after looting the entire country of everything of value not nailed down. The stress of seeing his beautiful country devastated by soldiers is said to have been too much for the aged King, who is now permanently confined on doctor's orders to his bed, leaving his daughter Annabella the unenviable job of ruling the country.

CHRISTIAN WOOS TURKS

Dr Vincent Christian has been appointed as Russian ambassador to the Ottoman Empire, and is already making great advances in diplomatic relations between the two countries.

PRUSSIAN SHAKE-UP, PAGANS IN

With Baron Brodenbach's retirement, new figures are walking the corridors of power in Prussia. Chief among them is Count Piontkowski, who after negotiating a sum compensating the Russians for the war, took the Kaiser to Stockholm to swear by Odin and Thor to uphold the Scandinavian Alliance and all its ideals. With Norse religion catching on in Russia, it is said that the Alliance will soon extend all the way from Vladivostok to Land's End.

PEACE IN OUR TIME?

The Accords of Rotterdam were signed this year by Generals Davchenko, Joffre, Perez, and Hubris, and Bertrin Capel on behalf of the British government. All but Capel were also present at the dedication ceremony to a war memorial to the dead of the brave Dutch resistance.

DUTCH TAKE TO SEA

With the handing over of the Prussian fleet to Gerhard Hubris, a Dutch Navy will once again sail the oceans of the world.

GALICIA TO RUSSIA

Galicia has been ceded to Russia as the most prominent term of the Prussian surrender.

'MAD DOG' TOLDI RUNS HOME

After looting and burning much of Sevastopol, the Hungarians have fled back to their native soil with their tail between their legs. An irate General Davchenko has demanded details of all military technology along with reparations but so far Toldi has been stalling for time.

BLOODY AMAZING

Cawrdav fever has hit Russia, with a new holiday having been declared - St Cawrdav's day. Once construction of the Cathedral of St Cawrdav has been completed it will dominate the Moscow skyline; and the Legion of St Cawrdav will be a charitable institution to support Russian veterans and their families. The flamboyant Angel of the Lord has also made guest appearances on drums in Gideon Stargrave's band.

NORDIC DOOMSPEAKERS UTTER WOE

Icelandic soothsayers have cast the runes and determined that the great rivalry between Cawrdav and the Norse Gods will wreak havoc upon the earth with the coming of Ragnarok.

ARDSBURG KEEPS IT IN THE FAMILY

In the wake of the upheaval in Prussia, an unusual find has been made in a Galician attic: the diary of Friedrich von Ardsburg's grandmother. Some scandal has ensued, as the diary reveals that this noble lady had an affair with a Prussian ratcatcher and became pregnant with Ardsburg's father. With rumours also rife in Italy about Ardsburg being of Italian lineage, Franz Joseph is reportedly not impressed at the discovery of the truth behind Ardsburg's keenness to integrate Austria and other nations.

JOFFRE, ANNABELLA ON THE ROCKS

A great ball was held on Boxing Day in the Palace of Versailles - the star attraction was an ice sculpture of Marshal Joffre and Princess Annabella locked in an embrace, which melted down to a crystal figurine of the pair kissing to the delight of the crowd.

VERNE CANNON II - IT'S BACK, AND TWICE AS BIG

Marshal Joffre was pleased to announce the unveiling of a second generation of Verne Cannons this year, at great expense to the French nation.

A.R.S.E. BLOWS ITS TRUMPET

The Academy for Research and Scientific Exploration in France has been much applauded in scientific journals and newspapers for its work in accelerating technological progress. Mr Tallow Directrix has been singled out for special praise as the head of and vision behind the Academy.

NO TURKISH DELIGHT FOR JOFFRE

Marshal Joffre was apparently in Napoleon's bad books at the end of the campaign season for not having won the victories in Turkey he had been specifically asked to achieve.

ASTRONOMERS FORETELL COLDER DAYS AHEAD

French astronomers have been conducting complex calculations on he Earth's orbit, and now announce that it has definitely started drifting away from the Sun. This means we can expect even colder weather to come: surely it is time the governments of Europe started taking some provisions to protect their weaker citizens? This summer the air in Paris never got above 20 degrees Centigrade.

WE WELCOME A NEW RIVAL

A new independent paper has been founded, the London Standard. Its early editorial policies seem to be anti-Moltke and pro-peace: it heavily publicises and supports the Khiron Commission.

VERNE CALLS FOR PEACE

Premier Verne, speaking for the French government as a whole, has criticised the militaristic postures of both Marshall Joffre and Napoleon himself, adding his voice in support of the Khiron Commission and peace in our time.

ARDSBURG OWNS UP - "I SMEARED MEY"

A full confession has been extracted from Friedrich von Ardsburg proving him responsible for the smear campaign against Mr Mey last year, and printed in the London Standard.

PRUSSIANS LEAP FORWARD

The Prussian army may not be quite as defunct as once imagined: it appears to have developed a hand-weapon capable of obliterating a tank with a single burst. Colonel Bargeld has assured the nations of Europe that these weapons will only be used if countries fail to solve their disputes with Prussia in a civilised manner, through the agency of the Khiron Commission.

RUSSIANS TELL MOLTKE "YOU'RE WELCOME TO IT"

Juan Fernandez von Moltke has been given permission by the Russian authorities to lease portions of Siberia for personal projects. Certainly the place is becoming too cold for the Russians to do anything very useful there.

MOLTKE WINS SHAH

The Shah of Persia has signed a treaty of mutual co-operation with Senor de Moltke, who certainly has a way with foreign dignitaries.

CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIE CRUMBLES FOR MOLTKE

The business empire Juan Fernandez de Moltke has been building in China has suffered considerable reverses this year, with everyone from the Emperor downwards tearing up agreements they had made with the personable Argentine. "It's like there's some sort of conspiracy working against us," said a puzzled aide.

FREEDOM SQUISHED IN EASTERN EUROPE

A political movement called the True Freedom party enjoyed a brief ascendancy in Bavaria, espousing democratic reforms and the abolition of the monarchy under its leader Danz Helmhof. So successful was the movement that it spread to Hungary, acquiring some fair support before decisive crackdowns from Queen Irena and Miklos Toldi trapped the leaders and brought the movement to its knees towards the end of the year.

TEA BREAKS CATCH ON

The novel idea of better working conditions in industry is slowly spreading from Britain into the rest of Europe.

VICTOR GUNS - BRITAIN TRUMPS FRANCE

Britain has unveiled its new Victor Guns which will allegedly come to rival the Verne Cannons as a symbol of national defence.

SHINY HAPPY DREADNOUGHTS

The British Navy has been given a new image: every last ship has been repainted with reflective silver paint.

FINNS TEST FOR TERRANS

Count Hagen von Troneg has been stirring up anxiety in the Finnish court with speculation that Terrans may already have infiltrated positions of power in the country posing as humans. He is encouraging the government to enforce regular testing in court, government, and military circles.

MADMAN TRIES TO SLAY POPE

Several unconfirmed reports have reached us from staff within the Vatican reporting a break-in two nights ago in which two security guards were slain. The intruder has not yet been apprehended but one can only assume he planned an attempt on the Pope's life. By the will of God the Pope survived the incident unscathed.

JOSEPH GETS THE HEAVE-HO

A new statue is to be built in Florence to replace the statue of David outside the Palazzo Vecchio. A previous attempt to replace the historic monument with a statue of Joseph clothed in a glorious technicolour coat was shunned by citizens, who saw it as a depiction of the now-disgraced Austrian politician Friedrich von Ardsburg. The lady Ariadne de Triori, responsible for the idea, has issued a public statement apologising for the situation, and stressing that any resemblance to von Ardsburg was coincidental.

GUBBINS SWEEPS AMERICA

Technology: The Gubbins was launched earlier this month in America after an extensive publicity campaign. Some American citizens queued for hours to obtain the cards, and Technology fever in America seems set to be even greater than that in Europe.

TECHNOLOGY TOURNAMENTS LAUNCHED

Klaum Krohne has just released tournament rules for Technology: The Gubbins such that large competitions can be organised. The first wave of Technology conventions seems set to begin in mid December, and people throughout Europe are already preparing their decks for the big event.

'SAINT' CAWRDAV SLAMMED

Noted Protestant theologian Luther Martin has added new fuel to the enmity between the Protestant and Catholic churches with his claim that their sainting of the bloody god Cawrdav, said to be seen by many on the bloody battlefields of Prussia last year, is clear evidence of their allegiance with the devil.

ASATRU SEEK BULLET-PROOFING

'The Odinsson', prophet of the Asatru, has offered substantial financial and spiritual reward to any man who can craft a bullet-proof shield. Such a device would allow noble warriors to charge their foes and fight them face to face in honourable battle, and not be forced to cower on opposite sides of the battlefield.

KORENSKY COURTS ANASTASIA

Piotr Korensky has spent much of the year at court gaining the Tsar's favour, and, with the Tsar's permission has begun to court his daughter, the beautiful princess Anastasia.

KORENSKY DUKED

Yesterday the Tsar announced plans to make Piotr Korensky a Duke. Could this herald a possible royal wedding in the near future. Certainly the romance between the princess Anastasia has blossomed in recent months.

TERRAN CONTROVERSY

A little-known academic in Bavaria has published articles suggesting that academics and historians are being persecuted in America, at the hands of the Terrans. Due to lack of supporting evidence his claims have been dismissed as rampant paranoia by more established figures, particularly Wolfgang Shrewda, spokesperson for the Society for the Return of Higher Races.

STARGRAVE WALKS TALL

Gideon Stargrave, president of the Moral standards commission is suing the Daily Orifice following the publishing of explicit photographs of the former prime minister Robert Mey. In an official statement Mr Stargrave claimed the photos were fakes published knowingly by the paper for the purposes of boosting sales and sensationalism.

IT'S THE NEW MUSIC, DADDY-O

Last night Gideon Stargrave threw an exclusive party at his club in the west end to celebrate the opening night of his band 'The Five'. The event was a huge success and the band's debut was spectacular, with Gideon on lead guitar and vocals, Symplastique artist Mersuavin Powers on bass and Screamin' "Saint" Cawrdav on drums. Sparks of blue light and tongues of flame crackled around the instruments and the entire club resonated to the music in an orgy of sound and colour. Although a few sceptics considered the music a little ahead of its time, most were left astounded by the performance. Religious officials are refusing to comment on their saint's involvement in the proceedings.

STARGRAVE SMOOTHS IT DOWN

Following the recent success of his band 'The Five', Gideon Stargrave has just opened a new shop in Oxford street to provide suitably bohemian outfits for his club. The shop, appropriately named 'Nice 'n' Smooth' is sure to become a hit with the more fashion conscious inhabitants of London.

SCOTS GET THEIR SPORRANS IN A TWIST

At yet another public meeting in Scotland yesterday, the people of Scone were roused to a frenzy of nationalistic feeling and bitterness towards the British government. A key figure in the proceedings was the lady Aesha Van Dieman, who herself delivered a stirring speech pressing for Scottish devolution.

'ANTHONY'S' OPENS

A new antique and jewellery store in London, 'Anthony's', has caught the attention of many residents due to its diverse array of beautiful and rare pieces. Aimed at the wealthy end of the market, the store is certainly worth a look in if you are gift-shopping in London in the near future.

DRUG RINGS ROLLED UP

The crime-rings of London took another serious blow this year as several minor drugs dealers were apprehended by Scotland yard. Academic Gottfried Dammerung was said to be heavily involved in the investigation.

POPE ANNOUNCES NEW 'CRUSADE'

In his traditional Christmas address to the faithful, His Holiness Pope Pius IX announced the re-formation of the Levitican Army of witch-hunters, under the leadership of Cardinal Verchooz. This body exists to rid Europe of the scourge of witchcraft, which His Holiness described as "more of a danger now than ever before". All faithful are urged to burn witches, warlocks and other sorcerors wheresoever they may find them.

MUSTARD SUPPORTS "TERRAN" CLAIM OF SUPERIORITY

The well known archaeologist Colonel Mustard has published information which he claims undeniably supports the theory that the Martian invaders, or "Terrans", were originally a race based on Earth, helping the evolution of early mankind, who were dispossessed from this planet by yet another alien race, which he terms "Entities". The claim is based on newly discovered archaeological evidence, and puts a new light on the discussion as to the intentions of the Martians in their colonisation of the Americas.

NATIONAL LOBOTTERY IS BACKED BY ALIENS

The disturbing news last year that the English government were to impose a compulsory National Lobottery on British citizens is now thought to be the result of collaboration between the government and the Martian invaders. The horrific surgery which has already been imposed upon many American citizens may yet be introduced in England if the government succeeds in its plans. As yet, officials have refused to comment on the issue which is continuing to cause public outcry, and is thought to be one of the reasons for the decline in popularity of the Conservative Party in last year's elections.

THEORY OF CREATION PUT INTO QUESTION

Calculations published this year by Dr Ettore Pascucci have shown that the universe may be as many as 10,000 million years old. These calculations are based on measurements from the cosmos itself, and cast aspersions on the Christian theory of creation which would place the beginning of the universe at only approximately 3000 years ago, according to the Bible. The Pope and his representatives have been unavailable for comment on this sensitive issue.

MOLOTOV REVOLUTIONISES THE PRINTING PRESS

The Times has changed its newspapers forever by using the new device invented by Vlad Molotov. This device, used in conjunction with previously used printing methods, will prevent ink rubbing off the paper onto the clean hands of the British nation. This promises to be a joy to readers everywhere.

PAPAL STATES OPT FOR INDEPENDENCE

This year's plebiscite in the Papal States resulted in an overwhelming vote for independence, as most commentators had expected. With the new Republic of Rome's neighbours in Tuscany and Naples both gobbling up smaller provinces this year, though, will the Romans rue their decision? President Maldini is thought to be more favourable to the Tuscan cause.

NEW PAPER LAUNCHED IN ROME

The Vatican has launched a new newspaper, 'Communion', to provide cheap, accessible and fascinating reading to the faithful. Its editorial position is already clear: praise of Cardinals della Rovere and Baggio, condemnation of Nordic pagans, and a feature on Saint Cawrdav.

CAWRDAV CHURCHES SPREAD

A number of Catholic churches in Scandinavia have been rededicated to Saint Cawrdav, patron of fighting men. Does this mean they are girding themselves for war with the Nordic pagans?

ARDSBURG GETS THE BOOT

Friedrich von Ardsburg has been deprived of all diplomatic and political status within Austria for the many and varied embarrassments he has heaped upon the Austrian crown this year. In future he should not be regarded as having any status to speak on behalf of his country, which is trying to repair its diplomatic situation with the assistance of the Khiron Commission.

IT'S OFFICIAL: OUR FRIENDS ARE HERE

A Full Formal International Inquiry took place in London this year, with delegates from every European nation and the largest media presence ever seen, to probe into the military misunderstanding between the British and American governments. Nothing was conclusively achieved until an enormous tripod-like machine wreathed in flowers appeared outside along with an American deputation. The books of Colonel Mustard can no longer be dismissed: we are not alone. The peace-loving Terran race has returned to Earth to end wars, beginning with talking the Americans down from an attack against Europe. Media response was immediately favourable, and many of the European delegates were seen inviting the Terrans to visit their home countries. Oh brave new world, that has such people in it!