Oxford University Role Playing Games Society
Inferno 1881 News
(from Le Soir) DIRECTRIX HEADS UP A.R.S.E.
France's leading scientist, Tallow Directrix, showed journalists round the
amazing Academy for Research & Scientific Exploration this year. Is there no end
to the inventive genius of our nation's brilliant minds?
DISRAELI, GLADSTONE SLAIN IN TERRORIST OUTRAGES
A campaign of terror has been waged against the sacred edifice of British
politics this year. First newly-elected Conservative Prime Minister Benjamin
Disraeli was horrifically stabbed to death by an assassin at Number Ten, while
across the country the Liberal Shadow Cabinet were set upon and butchered by a
squadron of heavily-armed men. At least Mr Gladstone managed to put up a
spirited fight before taking a bullet in the chest: police arriving swiftly on
the scene found amongst the corpses the body of the disfigured unfortunate who
had visited Mr Gladstone only the year before as aide to Austrian ambassador
Friedrich von Ardsburg.
GRAND DUCHESS ANASTASIA ON OFFICIAL VISIT TO ENGLAND
The travelling Grand Duchess Anastasia graced England with her presence this
year. Usually noted for her private holidays to different parts of Europe, this
year she visited England in her more official capacity, attending various social
functions. With the Tsar expressing his support for England in its current
dispute with America, a high level visit of this kind may well indicate the
Tsar's hope of forging closer links with England in the future.
TIME FOR A STEADY HAND
After the brutal murders of both Mister Disraeli and Mister Gladstone this year,
Britain has had no choice but to set up a Crisis Government under the leadership
of Mister Robert Mey, widely touted as "the only PM hard enough to get us out of
this mess". The Terrans have pledged themselves fully to Mr Mey's cause,
announcing that their arrival will save mankind from being plunged into savage
anarchy at the hands of the godless.
LADY APOLLONIA JOINS MEDICI BANK
Prominent Florentine noble and member of the People's Council Lady Apollonia has
joined the board of the Medici Commercial Bank, chairman Gian Gastone de'Medici
A small uprising of Mexican malcontents near Texas has lost its nerve as
President Grant's Terran allies agreed to send a detachment of their war
machines to patrol the border.
RUSSIAN NOBLES FOLLOW ANASTASIA'S LEAD
Our Russian staff inform us that more and more Russian nobles are becoming
interested in 'charitable works' to help in the difficult lives of the surfs of
their country. This follows the lead of Grand Duchess Anastasia, who for some
years has been helping set up Hospitals and schools in the poorer parts of the
country. The food aid they have provided has been particularly appreciated after
the exceptionally harsh winters of the last few years - the continuing cooling
of the earth badly affecting some areas of Russia.
IT'S MEAN, IT'S GREEN, IT'S SQUEAKY-CLEAN
An enormous dome of green energy flickered into being around the White House
after Terran sensors detected an intruder on the premises. President Grant
reported that the interloper was "lucky to escape with his hide intact" and that
the same measures would be implemented in Britain before the year was out.
CATHERINE DE'MEDICI RENOUNCES CLAIM
The new heir to the defunct Grand Duchy of Florence, Catherine de'Medici, has
renounced her claim to the title. With her two brothers dead and disappeared,
the title now descends to Lorenzo the Avaricious's cousin, Cosimo de'Medici of
the cadet branch of the family.
GRAND DUKE NICHOLAS FOLLOWS HIS SISTER'S LEAD
Grand Duke Nicholas, heir to the Tsar of Russia, finally seems to have taken
notice of his unpopularity amongst his future subjects. This year has seen him
become active at last on behalf of his own people - touring the country, and
helping aid those worst affected by the vicious winters. We suspect he has been
inspired by his much more popular sister, Anastasia, who is now perhaps the most
popular of the royal court with the common man. The urban proletariat, however,
still seem somewhat unconvinced as to this 'change of heart' and attitude, by
those who have ruled them unthinkingly for so long.
FRENCH, SPANIARDS CLASH
Spanish and French troops have skirmished in the Pyrenees following
deterioration of relations between the two countries. Although the French have
acquitted themselves better in the fighting, a Spanish terrorist attack on the
Eiffel Tower has left the great monument tilting at a precarious 45 degree
'CITIZEN MEY' SCREENED COUNTRY-WIDE
Beerbohm Tree's latest entertainment extravaganza, 'Citizen Mey' tells the tale
of a man of integrity brought down by inhuman Lobotterists. Audiences screamed
in excitement as the 'moving pictures' burst on the screen in vivid
green-and-white, moving smoothly with only the vaguest flicker - a triumph for
the scientific team of Victor and Digitalis, and an acting coup for Beerbohm
Tree himself, particularly in the telling 'stamping on the huge jigsaw' scene.
DIGITALIS OUTFOXED - NOW THE GLOVES ARE OFF
Despite legal advice and assistance from Mr Simon London, and an impassioned
speech in her defence from Friedrich von Ardsburg, an Austrian judge found
Ariadne Digitalis guilty of treason based on the incontrovertible evidence. The
judge sternly advised the court that the usual death sentence for trafficking
with enemies of the state would we waived in the light of Herr von Ardsburg's
intervention, and that Ms Digitalis would be held by the Austrian government for
a period of two years, to convince the court of her devotion to Austria through
SECOND SPAMC SERIES A GREAT SUCCESS
The SPAMC series of races, this year expanded to include Florence and Munich,
was won by British driver Malady Evans. The last race, though, was taken by
Professor Pat Pending, in his 'Convert-a-Car', considerably more technically
advanced than Miss Evans's model - is this the future of racing? Organisers
Simon London and Beerbohm Tree announced continued sponsorship and increased
VON ARDSBURG PLANS FOR PRUSSIA
Friedrich von Ardsburg has submitted plans to implement his social welfare
programme in the devastated country of Prussia. Since the Kaiser's new chief
adviser Count Piontkowski is reputed to have little time for democracy, it
remains doubtful whether Ardsburg's measures will ever see the light of day.
STONE OF SCONE STOLEN FROM WESTMINSTER
Patriots are scandalised by the stealing of one of the symbols of the power of
the British throne. Thieves took it from the Abbey in the middle of the night,
leaving behind only a Scottish flag. This has lead to the obvious conclusion
that Scottish Nationalists are behind this blatant defiance of the British
Crown, and, in the context of other recent political events, lends a sinister
tone to their calls for 'nationalist action'.
ECONOMIC WOES STALK EUROPE
The troubled Austrian economy has lurched from crisis to crisis this year, with
hyper-inflation still rampant. Worse, the problem has spread to Austria's
trading partners, principally Prussia but even our own great nation. "Inflation
is like fleas,", leading economics Dr Ken Maynard told The Times. "They've got a
nasty bite, you have to keep scratching, and you never know how far they'll
jump." Unless the monetary authorities of Europe can league together to bail
Austria out, we could see the whole continent being dragged down with it.
ODINSSON ANATHEMA, ICELAND SHIVERS UNDER INTERDICT
His Holiness the Pope has declared the pagan prophet Odinsson anathema, which is
to say that any Christian folk may kill him on sight without it being considered
a sin by the Church. Furthermore he has placed Iceland under the Interdict,
removing God's holy benison from the land and its people, who are now surely
destined to burn in the fires of Hell. Superstitious countryfolk are already
blaming the rise in paganism for the fearsome cold Iceland is now experiencing.
Surely the Last Days are nigh upon us!
AUF WIEDERSEHEN, PEST
Italy this year waved goodbye to the last Austrian troops on its soil, the
remnants of the force which had liberated Tuscany and helped Garibaldi into
Venice. This army has been plagued with communication and logistical
difficulties throughout its stay in the peninsula - the soldiers were no doubt
glad to be returning to Vienna.
PRODUCTION FOR THE FUTURE - THE MECHANICALLY MODELLED MASS MANUFACTURING FACTORY
New technical innovations in the fields of clockwork, automation, steam-power,
and calculation engines are all being combined in a new kind of factor. The M5
Factory is designed to maximise production, whilst minimising labour
requirements, thus substantially reducing production costs. First to profit from
this innovations has been Mathen Motors who announced substantial reductions in
the prices of their Steampowered MotorCars, after these new production
techniques were introduced in their factories this year. A spokesman said "This
may only be the beginning - with the utilisation, and perfection, of this
technology we may one day be able to free the working man from the drudgery of
factory work." After the recent concerns about the conditions for working men,
these innovations must be welcomed by all.
TENNYSON SLAMS YANKS
Alfred, Lord Tennyson has published a long poem protesting American
over-mightiness. In it he likens the US to a giant alien monstrosity bent on
wrapping the entire world in its tentacles.
Advertisement: PISCATORIO'S EXTRA STRONG ALE: "So Strong It'll Have You
Floundering On The Floor In No Time" - "If The Taste Doesn't Knock You Out
Tonight, It Will Tomorrow Morning"
TENNYSON PROTESTS NATIONAL LOBOTTERY
From his seat in the Lords, the Poet Laureate inveighed against the infamous
National Lobottery. "It is important for man to use his own mind, and these
operations will be removing all the originality".
PROSTITUTION ON THE INCREASE?
We hear worrying news from Scotland Yard that the seedier side of our great
capital is on the increase with an increase in the incidents of prostitution.
More and more women appear to be falling into the corrupt moral practices which
greed can lead them to. Worse still, Scotland Yard is investigating rumours of a
cross-London organisation of prostitutes. What form this depraved organisation
takes we cannot guess at, but we hope those responsible will soon be caught and
dealt with in the manner they deserve.
ANOTHER PROMISING YOUTH CUT DOWN
Cambridge was shocked this year by the death from exhaustion of Gully Bell,
brilliant student and captain of the University fencing team. "He was like a man
with a mission, in these last few weeks," said a friend. "We never knew quite
where he was off to all the time, but you can be sure it was some good cause or
DRUGS CULTURE 'HAS STRANGLEHOLD ON CAPITAL'
A recent investigation by Scotland Yard reveals that the drug problem of the
capital is escalating out of control, with an ever-increasing percentage of the
underclasses now addicted to the powerful new drugs available. It is a sad
indicator for the times that those born into poverty would rather lose
themselves in debauchery rather than pulling themselves up into civility and
living decent lives.
SHERIDAN SLAMS VICTOR
Computer pioneer Professor Archibald Sheridan has slammed Hugo Victor's new ROK
MI AMADEUS device as a return to the days of slave labour. "It's a backward step
in technology," he fumed, while unveiling his new computer-controlled
steam-powered clock - the most reliable and accurate timekeeping device in the
>From The Times's letter column:
I would like to point out the outrage felt by any upstanding citizen of
this country with regard to the story "Angela, or Innocence Maligned" currently
serialised in 'England's Days Monthly'. That this filth should be printed within
this country is disgusting to me, as it should be to any patriot. Purporting to
be some kind of 'instructive tale' it is nothing more than the pornographic
story of a woman's descent into corruption and vice. That this should pass
itself off as 'entertainment' is disgusting, and a sad demonstration of the
moral decay of this country. I hope you will, with myself, call for the banning
of this serial, and the prosecution of the author.
Brigadier T. F. Baldershot.
FLORENCE INVADES PIEDMONT
No sooner had the French troops pulled out of Piedmont, leaving Princess
Annabella to govern by the will of the people, than a large Florentine force
invaded and annexed the province to the People's Republic of North Italy. It
seems that no sooner have the Florentines got rid of their own tyrants than they
wish to tyrannise their neighbours! Arachne d'Asti said for the People's Council
that Princess Annabella would be allowed to remain as Vicereine only on
condition that she signed over all power in the region and that French troops
did not enter it again.
>From 'How Do You Do?' magazine:
LOVELY LIZZIE PARTIES ON.... BUT CONDEMNS SYMPLASTIQUE
How wonderful it was to see the gorgeous Elizabeth Siddal back on the scene this
year, after a couple of years where she has been working so hard we have hardly
seen her! She has been seen out and about with her Pre-Raph chums, painting the
town red, and being seen in all the right places at the right time - although
some would say that it would *have* to be the right time if Lizzie was there!
However, Lizzie has been heard to say that although she rates art above all
else, she doesn't rate the Symplastique movement - particularly the recent
'terrorist art' attacks that have been plaguing Britain. We here thought it was
quite fun, but then as we have learnt in the past usually 'Lizzie Knows Best!'
GARIBALDI INVESTS VENICE
In the light of the continued disturbance in Northern Italy, President Garibaldi
has allowed the former Republic of Venice to become a province of the Republic
of Naples. He has guaranteed to protect the Venetians against aggression from
THE CASE OF THE QUINTESSENT PEKINESE SOLVED BY MERIDIAN MACY-DARE
New Scotland Yard were this week singing the praises of our top British
investigator Miss Macy-Dare after she had solved a case that had been baffling
them for many months. Said Miss Macy-Dare "It was really quite simple after you
realised that the Mormon was actually working for the Guild of Merchant Taylors
- then the Professor's death made perfect sense." The case progresses in the
CELEBRATIONS IN FLORENCE
The people of Florence were once again treated to a series of celebrations to
mark the anniversary of their independence, the parades led by the new police
force the Guardians of the Revolution, in their jaunty purple uniforms. Life in
Florence seems to be one long party under Arachne d'Asti's benevolent rule!
AUSTRIANS OUT, KING SICK, LIECHTENSTEIN GRIEVES
Austrian troops have withdrawn from Liechtenstein but only after looting the
entire country of everything of value not nailed down. The stress of seeing his
beautiful country devastated by soldiers is said to have been too much for the
aged King, who is now permanently confined on doctor's orders to his bed,
leaving his daughter Annabella the unenviable job of ruling the country.
CHRISTIAN WOOS TURKS
Dr Vincent Christian has been appointed as Russian ambassador to the Ottoman
Empire, and is already making great advances in diplomatic relations between the
PRUSSIAN SHAKE-UP, PAGANS IN
With Baron Brodenbach's retirement, new figures are walking the corridors of
power in Prussia. Chief among them is Count Piontkowski, who after negotiating a
sum compensating the Russians for the war, took the Kaiser to Stockholm to swear
by Odin and Thor to uphold the Scandinavian Alliance and all its ideals. With
Norse religion catching on in Russia, it is said that the Alliance will soon
extend all the way from Vladivostok to Land's End.
PEACE IN OUR TIME?
The Accords of Rotterdam were signed this year by Generals Davchenko, Joffre,
Perez, and Hubris, and Bertrin Capel on behalf of the British government. All
but Capel were also present at the dedication ceremony to a war memorial to the
dead of the brave Dutch resistance.
DUTCH TAKE TO SEA
With the handing over of the Prussian fleet to Gerhard Hubris, a Dutch Navy will
once again sail the oceans of the world.
GALICIA TO RUSSIA
Galicia has been ceded to Russia as the most prominent term of the Prussian
'MAD DOG' TOLDI RUNS HOME
After looting and burning much of Sevastopol, the Hungarians have fled back to
their native soil with their tail between their legs. An irate General Davchenko
has demanded details of all military technology along with reparations but so
far Toldi has been stalling for time.
Cawrdav fever has hit Russia, with a new holiday having been declared - St
Cawrdav's day. Once construction of the Cathedral of St Cawrdav has been
completed it will dominate the Moscow skyline; and the Legion of St Cawrdav will
be a charitable institution to support Russian veterans and their families. The
flamboyant Angel of the Lord has also made guest appearances on drums in Gideon
NORDIC DOOMSPEAKERS UTTER WOE
Icelandic soothsayers have cast the runes and determined that the great rivalry
between Cawrdav and the Norse Gods will wreak havoc upon the earth with the
coming of Ragnarok.
ARDSBURG KEEPS IT IN THE FAMILY
In the wake of the upheaval in Prussia, an unusual find has been made in a
Galician attic: the diary of Friedrich von Ardsburg's grandmother. Some scandal
has ensued, as the diary reveals that this noble lady had an affair with a
Prussian ratcatcher and became pregnant with Ardsburg's father. With rumours
also rife in Italy about Ardsburg being of Italian lineage, Franz Joseph is
reportedly not impressed at the discovery of the truth behind Ardsburg's
keenness to integrate Austria and other nations.
JOFFRE, ANNABELLA ON THE ROCKS
A great ball was held on Boxing Day in the Palace of Versailles - the star
attraction was an ice sculpture of Marshal Joffre and Princess Annabella locked
in an embrace, which melted down to a crystal figurine of the pair kissing to
the delight of the crowd.
VERNE CANNON II - IT'S BACK, AND TWICE AS BIG
Marshal Joffre was pleased to announce the unveiling of a second generation of
Verne Cannons this year, at great expense to the French nation.
A.R.S.E. BLOWS ITS TRUMPET
The Academy for Research and Scientific Exploration in France has been much
applauded in scientific journals and newspapers for its work in accelerating
technological progress. Mr Tallow Directrix has been singled out for special
praise as the head of and vision behind the Academy.
NO TURKISH DELIGHT FOR JOFFRE
Marshal Joffre was apparently in Napoleon's bad books at the end of the campaign
season for not having won the victories in Turkey he had been specifically asked
ASTRONOMERS FORETELL COLDER DAYS AHEAD
French astronomers have been conducting complex calculations on he Earth's
orbit, and now announce that it has definitely started drifting away from the
Sun. This means we can expect even colder weather to come: surely it is time the
governments of Europe started taking some provisions to protect their weaker
citizens? This summer the air in Paris never got above 20 degrees Centigrade.
WE WELCOME A NEW RIVAL
A new independent paper has been founded, the London Standard. Its early
editorial policies seem to be anti-Moltke and pro-peace: it heavily publicises
and supports the Khiron Commission.
VERNE CALLS FOR PEACE
Premier Verne, speaking for the French government as a whole, has criticised the
militaristic postures of both Marshall Joffre and Napoleon himself, adding his
voice in support of the Khiron Commission and peace in our time.
ARDSBURG OWNS UP - "I SMEARED MEY"
A full confession has been extracted from Friedrich von Ardsburg proving him
responsible for the smear campaign against Mr Mey last year, and printed in the
PRUSSIANS LEAP FORWARD
The Prussian army may not be quite as defunct as once imagined: it appears to
have developed a hand-weapon capable of obliterating a tank with a single burst.
Colonel Bargeld has assured the nations of Europe that these weapons will only
be used if countries fail to solve their disputes with Prussia in a civilised
manner, through the agency of the Khiron Commission.
RUSSIANS TELL MOLTKE "YOU'RE WELCOME TO IT"
Juan Fernandez von Moltke has been given permission by the Russian authorities
to lease portions of Siberia for personal projects. Certainly the place is
becoming too cold for the Russians to do anything very useful there.
MOLTKE WINS SHAH
The Shah of Persia has signed a treaty of mutual co-operation with Senor de
Moltke, who certainly has a way with foreign dignitaries.
CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIE CRUMBLES FOR MOLTKE
The business empire Juan Fernandez de Moltke has been building in China has
suffered considerable reverses this year, with everyone from the Emperor
downwards tearing up agreements they had made with the personable Argentine.
"It's like there's some sort of conspiracy working against us," said a puzzled
FREEDOM SQUISHED IN EASTERN EUROPE
A political movement called the True Freedom party enjoyed a brief ascendancy in
Bavaria, espousing democratic reforms and the abolition of the monarchy under
its leader Danz Helmhof. So successful was the movement that it spread to
Hungary, acquiring some fair support before decisive crackdowns from Queen Irena
and Miklos Toldi trapped the leaders and brought the movement to its knees
towards the end of the year.
TEA BREAKS CATCH ON
The novel idea of better working conditions in industry is slowly spreading from
Britain into the rest of Europe.
VICTOR GUNS - BRITAIN TRUMPS FRANCE
Britain has unveiled its new Victor Guns which will allegedly come to rival the
Verne Cannons as a symbol of national defence.
SHINY HAPPY DREADNOUGHTS
The British Navy has been given a new image: every last ship has been repainted
with reflective silver paint.
FINNS TEST FOR TERRANS
Count Hagen von Troneg has been stirring up anxiety in the Finnish court with
speculation that Terrans may already have infiltrated positions of power in the
country posing as humans. He is encouraging the government to enforce regular
testing in court, government, and military circles.
MADMAN TRIES TO SLAY POPE
Several unconfirmed reports have reached us from staff within the Vatican
reporting a break-in two nights ago in which two security guards were slain. The
intruder has not yet been apprehended but one can only assume he planned an
attempt on the Pope's life. By the will of God the Pope survived the incident
JOSEPH GETS THE HEAVE-HO
A new statue is to be built in Florence to replace the statue of David outside
the Palazzo Vecchio. A previous attempt to replace the historic monument with a
statue of Joseph clothed in a glorious technicolour coat was shunned by
citizens, who saw it as a depiction of the now-disgraced Austrian politician
Friedrich von Ardsburg. The lady Ariadne de Triori, responsible for the idea,
has issued a public statement apologising for the situation, and stressing that
any resemblance to von Ardsburg was coincidental.
GUBBINS SWEEPS AMERICA
Technology: The Gubbins was launched earlier this month in America after an
extensive publicity campaign. Some American citizens queued for hours to obtain
the cards, and Technology fever in America seems set to be even greater than
that in Europe.
TECHNOLOGY TOURNAMENTS LAUNCHED
Klaum Krohne has just released tournament rules for Technology: The Gubbins such
that large competitions can be organised. The first wave of Technology
conventions seems set to begin in mid December, and people throughout Europe are
already preparing their decks for the big event.
'SAINT' CAWRDAV SLAMMED
Noted Protestant theologian Luther Martin has added new fuel to the enmity
between the Protestant and Catholic churches with his claim that their sainting
of the bloody god Cawrdav, said to be seen by many on the bloody battlefields of
Prussia last year, is clear evidence of their allegiance with the devil.
ASATRU SEEK BULLET-PROOFING
'The Odinsson', prophet of the Asatru, has offered substantial financial and
spiritual reward to any man who can craft a bullet-proof shield. Such a device
would allow noble warriors to charge their foes and fight them face to face in
honourable battle, and not be forced to cower on opposite sides of the
KORENSKY COURTS ANASTASIA
Piotr Korensky has spent much of the year at court gaining the Tsar's favour,
and, with the Tsar's permission has begun to court his daughter, the beautiful
Yesterday the Tsar announced plans to make Piotr Korensky a Duke. Could this
herald a possible royal wedding in the near future. Certainly the romance
between the princess Anastasia has blossomed in recent months.
A little-known academic in Bavaria has published articles suggesting that
academics and historians are being persecuted in America, at the hands of the
Terrans. Due to lack of supporting evidence his claims have been dismissed as
rampant paranoia by more established figures, particularly Wolfgang Shrewda,
spokesperson for the Society for the Return of Higher Races.
STARGRAVE WALKS TALL
Gideon Stargrave, president of the Moral standards commission is suing the Daily
Orifice following the publishing of explicit photographs of the former prime
minister Robert Mey. In an official statement Mr Stargrave claimed the photos
were fakes published knowingly by the paper for the purposes of boosting sales
IT'S THE NEW MUSIC, DADDY-O
Last night Gideon Stargrave threw an exclusive party at his club in the west end
to celebrate the opening night of his band 'The Five'. The event was a huge
success and the band's debut was spectacular, with Gideon on lead guitar and
vocals, Symplastique artist Mersuavin Powers on bass and Screamin' "Saint"
Cawrdav on drums. Sparks of blue light and tongues of flame crackled around the
instruments and the entire club resonated to the music in an orgy of sound and
colour. Although a few sceptics considered the music a little ahead of its time,
most were left astounded by the performance. Religious officials are refusing to
comment on their saint's involvement in the proceedings.
STARGRAVE SMOOTHS IT DOWN
Following the recent success of his band 'The Five', Gideon Stargrave has just
opened a new shop in Oxford street to provide suitably bohemian outfits for his
club. The shop, appropriately named 'Nice 'n' Smooth' is sure to become a hit
with the more fashion conscious inhabitants of London.
SCOTS GET THEIR SPORRANS IN A TWIST
At yet another public meeting in Scotland yesterday, the people of Scone were
roused to a frenzy of nationalistic feeling and bitterness towards the British
government. A key figure in the proceedings was the lady Aesha Van Dieman, who
herself delivered a stirring speech pressing for Scottish devolution.
A new antique and jewellery store in London, 'Anthony's', has caught the
attention of many residents due to its diverse array of beautiful and rare
pieces. Aimed at the wealthy end of the market, the store is certainly worth a
look in if you are gift-shopping in London in the near future.
DRUG RINGS ROLLED UP
The crime-rings of London took another serious blow this year as several minor
drugs dealers were apprehended by Scotland yard. Academic Gottfried Dammerung
was said to be heavily involved in the investigation.
POPE ANNOUNCES NEW 'CRUSADE'
In his traditional Christmas address to the faithful, His Holiness Pope Pius IX
announced the re-formation of the Levitican Army of witch-hunters, under the
leadership of Cardinal Verchooz. This body exists to rid Europe of the scourge
of witchcraft, which His Holiness described as "more of a danger now than ever
before". All faithful are urged to burn witches, warlocks and other sorcerors
wheresoever they may find them.
MUSTARD SUPPORTS "TERRAN" CLAIM OF SUPERIORITY
The well known archaeologist Colonel Mustard has published information which he
claims undeniably supports the theory that the Martian invaders, or "Terrans",
were originally a race based on Earth, helping the evolution of early mankind,
who were dispossessed from this planet by yet another alien race, which he terms
"Entities". The claim is based on newly discovered archaeological evidence, and
puts a new light on the discussion as to the intentions of the Martians in their
colonisation of the Americas.
NATIONAL LOBOTTERY IS BACKED BY ALIENS
The disturbing news last year that the English government were to impose a
compulsory National Lobottery on British citizens is now thought to be the
result of collaboration between the government and the Martian invaders. The
horrific surgery which has already been imposed upon many American citizens may
yet be introduced in England if the government succeeds in its plans. As yet,
officials have refused to comment on the issue which is continuing to cause
public outcry, and is thought to be one of the reasons for the decline in
popularity of the Conservative Party in last year's elections.
THEORY OF CREATION PUT INTO QUESTION
Calculations published this year by Dr Ettore Pascucci have shown that the
universe may be as many as 10,000 million years old. These calculations are
based on measurements from the cosmos itself, and cast aspersions on the
Christian theory of creation which would place the beginning of the universe at
only approximately 3000 years ago, according to the Bible. The Pope and his
representatives have been unavailable for comment on this sensitive issue.
MOLOTOV REVOLUTIONISES THE PRINTING PRESS
The Times has changed its newspapers forever by using the new device invented by
Vlad Molotov. This device, used in conjunction with previously used printing
methods, will prevent ink rubbing off the paper onto the clean hands of the
British nation. This promises to be a joy to readers everywhere.
PAPAL STATES OPT FOR INDEPENDENCE
This year's plebiscite in the Papal States resulted in an overwhelming vote for
independence, as most commentators had expected. With the new Republic of Rome's
neighbours in Tuscany and Naples both gobbling up smaller provinces this year,
though, will the Romans rue their decision? President Maldini is thought to be
more favourable to the Tuscan cause.
NEW PAPER LAUNCHED IN ROME
The Vatican has launched a new newspaper, 'Communion', to provide cheap,
accessible and fascinating reading to the faithful. Its editorial position is
already clear: praise of Cardinals della Rovere and Baggio, condemnation of
Nordic pagans, and a feature on Saint Cawrdav.
CAWRDAV CHURCHES SPREAD
A number of Catholic churches in Scandinavia have been rededicated to Saint
Cawrdav, patron of fighting men. Does this mean they are girding themselves for
war with the Nordic pagans?
ARDSBURG GETS THE BOOT
Friedrich von Ardsburg has been deprived of all diplomatic and political status
within Austria for the many and varied embarrassments he has heaped upon the
Austrian crown this year. In future he should not be regarded as having any
status to speak on behalf of his country, which is trying to repair its
diplomatic situation with the assistance of the Khiron Commission.
IT'S OFFICIAL: OUR FRIENDS ARE HERE
A Full Formal International Inquiry took place in London this year, with
delegates from every European nation and the largest media presence ever seen,
to probe into the military misunderstanding between the British and American
governments. Nothing was conclusively achieved until an enormous tripod-like
machine wreathed in flowers appeared outside along with an American deputation.
The books of Colonel Mustard can no longer be dismissed: we are not alone. The
peace-loving Terran race has returned to Earth to end wars, beginning with
talking the Americans down from an attack against Europe. Media response was
immediately favourable, and many of the European delegates were seen inviting
the Terrans to visit their home countries. Oh brave new world, that has such
people in it!