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Inferno 1882 News


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INFERNO

News 1882

"MATCHBOX" MATHEN CARS GIVEN AWAY AT EXPO

A treat for the crowd at this year's Florence EXPO 82 came in the form of 'Matchbox' Model Ms - tiny versions of the increasingly popular Steampowered MotorCars. These were produced - in front of the public's amazed eyes - in a small-scale M5 factory line that was set up as part of the EXPO. Clockwork arms worked to swing around the parts into position, and 'computer' controlled lathes cut pieces to size before they were assembled. The newly improved M5 factory set up requires even less staff than before, and allows for even faster production - thus Mathen Industries was able to afford to give away these collectors' items to the delighted public.

HOUDINI FREE WITH ONE BOUND

The amazing magician and escape artist Harry Houdini has spent the year touring Europe, performing amazing and death-defying feats in all the towns through which he passed. In Munich, people were amazed to see him free himself seemingly instantaneously from the city jail, having being searched and heavily bound, whilst in Paris he was seen to free himself from a straight jacket whilst dangling hundreds of feet in the air.

SOUTH-EAST ASIA OPENS TO AUSTRIANS

The Sultan of Java has entered into a trade agreement with the Austrian Empire, of potentially great benefit to both parties.

POPE SLAIN - WORLD MOURNS

The Catholic world beat its breast with grief as news spread of the death of Pope Pius IX, assassinated by a crazed madman during his Ascension Day address to the faithful in St Peter's Square. His Holiness was slain by a bullet between the eyes, fired from a nearby balcony - the unknown killer escaped while all nearby were paralysed with horror and shock, and despite an immense police operation is thought to be still at large. But who would want to lay low this gentle, peaceful man of God, a friend to all?

HOUSE FOR FALLEN WOMEN SET UP IN LONDON

We are glad to report on a new charitable initiative in our capital city - a house open to those women who have fallen into moral decay has been opened. Those truly destitute, or trapped into vice, may request a place to stay in this house, where they will receive moral counselling and the medical care they require. Finally someone is prepared to stand up against the moral decay of our capital!

GRAND DUCHESS ANASTASIA CONTINUES HER GOOD WORKS

The serfs of Russia continue to hail Grand Duchess Anastasia for her good works on their behalf, and for continuing in her strivings to set up schools and hospitals for them, and to alleviate the suffering brought on by the increasingly cold weather. She remains the serfs' favourite amongst the royal family.

CHRIDGE TAKES ON UNSAVOURY HUE

Last night, mysteriously missed by guards and workmen, someone snuck onto the Channel Bridge and painted the sides in glorious streaks of colour, leaving the monumental Chridge looming like a huge rainbow across the English Channel. Whether this was merely a prank or some publicity stunt remains to be seen, but several people working on the bridge have already commented that it brightens up the place.

ARDSBURG HIDES LIGHT UNDER BUSHEL

After his removal from the political scene Friedrich von Ardsburg has remained out of the public eye all year. He is continuing to administer his social reform programmes and has issued statements denying any involvement in the Mey scandal and any foreign ancestry. His popularity remains undiminished with the many poor folk aided by his welfare work.

NEW POPE ELECTED

While the faithful were still reeling at the untimely death of Pope Pius IX, the College of Cardinals convened in closed session to elect his successor. There were from the start only two candidates of any merit, Cardinal Baggio and Cardinal della Rovere. After three rounds of voting, puffs of white smoke appeared from the College's chimney to announce "habemus Papam" - "we have a Pope". The new Pope, Cardinal Roi della Rovere, has taken the name Pius X in tribute to his predecessor. In his inaugural address he vowed to continue Pius IX's good works, and called for all the faithful to bear the word of the Lord close in their hearts in these troubled times.

A RIVAL FOR KORENSKY?

The Russian court is full of rumours that the path of love is not running smoothly for Korensky - his attempts to woe the beautiful Anastasia have apparently met with little interest from the woman herself. Insiders even claim that she only has eyes for another - the dashing war hero Karl Davchenko.

'PAUPER'S COMFORT' GIVEN FREE TO POOR

The latest boon to civilisation provided by our Terran friends is 'The Pauper's Comfort', a cunning device which can be fed with potato peelings and other household waste, these being then converted into useful heat energy which is radiated to warm the dwelling. How fortunate we are in these wintry times to be blessed with their generosity: they have provided the machine free to every poor family in Britain!

KORENSKY SENT ABROAD

Piotr Korensky, the rising star of the Russian court, has now been made an ambassador - he is to become the Russian Ambassador to the highly important Nordic Alliance. Such a post will require him to move to Iceland and will certainly put a damper on his relationship with Princess Anastasia.

ODINSSON PUBLISHES

The great prophet Odinsson has written a new text for his religious devotees relaying the insights granted him by Odin about life, the universe, and Ragnarok. The great book, 'The Lay of Odinsson: Visions beyond Ragnarok' is being heralded by the Asatru as the most momentous religious text of the millennium.

ITALIAN RAPPROCHEMENT

All was smiles, flowers and fluffy lambkins in Italy this year, as the leaders of the Federation of North Italy, the Republic of Rome and the Republic of Naples and Venice met. Lady d'Asti, President Maldini and President Garibaldi discussed matters of social welfare in their nations: it looks very much as though the health, education and legal reforms initially instituted by Ariadne de Triora in Florence will soon be shared throughout the peninsula, to the great benefit of all its peoples.

MOLTKE DESIGNS CATHEDRALS

Juan Fernandez de Moltke is clearly a man of many talents: he designed three new Catholic cathedrals himself, their design a pleasing dome shape topped with a 100-metre-tall pointed spire.

KORENSKY TO BE RECALLED?

Rumours are spreading in Moscow that the Tsar is considering recalling his dearest courtier Piotr Korensky, so that his romance with Grand Duchess Anastasia can continue: apparently things just haven't been the same around the Hermitage palace since Korensky took up his ambassadorial duties.

GRIM FEARS CONFIRMED: WINTER HERE TO STAY

No sign of a letup in the worsening weather, in fact the decline has intensified this year. North of Helsingborg it now seems to be continuous winter, and apparently has been for the last two and a half years in certain northern regions of Iceland. Prospects for the future look no better.

JAPANESE TEXTS PUBLISHED

Bavarian academic Gottfried Dammerung has published a series of translations of Japanese texts. Interest in the books, which include 'Seventeen Celestial Truths' and 'The Book of Imaginings', has been high, and has fuelled European curiosity concerning the mysterious land.

DONAVELLI "NOT AS BAD AS ALL THAT, SURELY"

Arachne d'Asti went public in support of her assistant Giacomo Donavelli, slamming those shadowy forces who had sought to criticise him for being crazed, venal and in the pocket of Garibaldi.

KORENSKY SUBJECT OF SCANDAL

A scandal is breaking in the Russian courts, after a small newspaper ran a story naming Piotr Korensky as being responsible for making pregnant a serving maid. It is alleged that Korensky then refused to have anything to do with the woman whose innocence he had stolen. This previous favourite of the Tsar - even to the extent of being linked to Grand Duchess Anastasia - is likely to find his popularity falling rapidly as this scandal takes hold.

PRINCE OF WALES ENMESHED IN SCANDAL

The European papers are full of lurid accounts and photographs of young Prince Bertie's scandalous behaviour with adolescent boys and common prostitutes. It is a great blow for the British monarchy, to be seen fallen this low.

TRANSLATION? UTS SIMPLE!

Klaum Krohne and Gottfried Dammerung, the noted scholars, have announced a joint venture under the name of the 'Universal Translation Service'. They promise to translate documents between any languages. Several collectors and museums have made use of the service, which has even been able to decipher documents in languages never before translated.

EUROPEAN ROYALS UNDER ATTACK

Members of the royal families of the Germanic countries have been attacked on several occasions whilst out riding or in their carriages, by demonically savage animals or crazed humans. Queen Irena and her son Friedrich were almost torn to pieces by a pack of rabid dogs, and several members of Emperor Franz Joseph's family have actually perished while travelling abroad.

VICTOR LUDORUM

Professor Hugo Victor has leapt to the defence of his ROK MI AMADEUS technology with an article in the Proceedings of the Royal Society. He points out that all workers on the project are paid, not slaves; that clockwork is much cleaner, quieter and more efficient than steam; and that his detractor Professor Sheridan's new clock is bigger, more expensive, noisier, consumes more fuel, and who needs to be more accurate than 0.01s anyway?

LAWS AGAINST 'NON-HUMANS' PASSED IN HOLLAND

Holland, which for no readily apparent reason remains strangely hostile towards our Terran friends, has now passed laws deliberately aimed at causing problems for them and their supporters. Firstly the law requires all those individuals lucky enough to own items of Terran technology to declare them, and secondly requires that all "non-human, sentient individuals in the country to make their presence and activities known." We must all hope that the Terrans are not offended by these eccentric requests - Holland has always been somewhat of a backward country - and that these laws do not represent the beginning of some action against the Terrans in this strange land.

NOT JUST A MINE OF INFORMATION

Gottfried Dammerung, the British representative in South Africa, has made a remarkable profit in the minerals business, having bought up large areas of previously unmined land, along with several existing mines. The source of his capital is unknown.

EVERY HOME SHOULD HAVE ONE

We hear that the height of fashion is to own a Dutch Butler graduated from the newly created "Dutch School of Butlering Excellence". Apparently standards of education, linguistics, and etiquette are exceptionally high at this academy, and there is already a waiting list to employ its graduates.

News Report

The following story was turned down by every reputable newspaper in Britain, only to find publication in a student paper in the Symplastique nest of Oxford University:
"Friedrich von Ardsburg had nothing to do with the Mey incident. Mey is guilty of that crime and worse. Mey also had the Minister for Agriculture and his wife murdered when they turned against him prior to the last election. Following the election it was he who murdered the PM and the Liberal leader and used the excuse of Scottish nationalism to seize his power. If you play Ardsburg's recorded confession backwards you'll hear that it was extracted under torture. These "Terrans" he has brought to England are not as friendly as he claims. He is using them to control the country and they are using the country to satisfy their hunger for human brains. It is they that are behind the Lobottery. They suck out your brain and eat it after which you are under their control and act obnoxiously. America has already fallen to them which is why Americans are so obnoxious. Don't let them eat your brain. Stop the aliens and also Mey. - Anonymous for fear of being killed by the alien invaders, if they knew I, their trusted friend, were betraying them."
Needless to say this garbled nonsense has been soundly ridiculed by right-thinking individuals everywhere.

PRINCESS TAKES OVER IN LIECHTENSTEIN

The King of Liechtenstein has officially given over the responsibility for the running of his country's affairs to his more vigorous daughter Annabella.

MAD LEAFLETS FROM THE SKY - PROPAGANDA ATTACK ON 4TH OF JULY PARADE

Disturbing news from New York where the 4th of July festivities where disturbed by a strange sight - some bizarrely-dressed person on a bizarre flying machine swooped above the crowds of celebrating parade-goers, and dumped thousands of leaflets onto the crowds. These leaflets were of the most unsavoury kind - a despicable collection of lies, slander, and deception about our Terran friends. This stunt, clearly organised by some disillusioned individual fearful of the wonderful future the Terrans bring us, caused some disruption of the Parades, but we are glad to announce that none of our intelligent American cousins believed for one moment the despicable lies that the leaflets contained. Alas, we must report that the perpetrator of this crime flew away, and thus could not be arrested by the police.

GUBBINS ROADSHOW HITS TOWN

'Technology: The Gubbins' has been on the road again this year, with creator Klaum Krohne touring bookshops signing his new work, 'Tips and Tricks of the Technology Masters', which coincided with the release of the 'Clockwork' expansion. Krohne has also donated Technology decks to hospitals, saying that 'People should keep their minds active'. He has also spoken against the National Lobottery, saying that 'Losing your brain is probably unpleasant'.

DIRECTRIX A HAPSBURG?

In a turn up for the genealogy books, the noted French scientist Tallow Directrix has been discovered to be a rightful claimant to the Austrian throne through his maternal grandfather.

BAGGIO BURSTS BUBBLE

His Eminence Cardinal Gino Baggio, 'The Divine Pony-tail', has published a book rebutting scientists' claims as to the origin of the universe. The so-called 'Bubble Theory' is dismissed as "a mere bubble of intellect - all mathematics, completely without substance or reality: an admirable stretch of the imagination." All we need to know about the creation of the world is in the Book of Genesis, the Cardinal points out, and in these troubled times of strengthening religious faith his message has been well received throughout Europe. Even in the higher circles of British society frequented by the likes of lovely Elizabeth Siddal, it seems that Catholicism is very much 'the in thing'.

TWO COGS SHORT OF A GEARBOX

Advertisements have appeared in the papers for a private club, run by one Mr Bevel Gear, aiming to promote equal rights for non-humans of a mechanical persuasion. Surely some kind of April Fool's joke?

MAD LEAFLETER STRIKES AGAIN - IN LONDON

Alas, the incident in New York earlier this year has proved not to be a one-off. This years Guy Fawkes Night celebrations in Hyde Park were disturbed by another shower of lying leaflets from the sky. Again our Terran friends were the subject of foul slander, but thankfully on this occasion the sensible people of Britain had a good use for the leaflets - as more kindling for the bonfire!

STRIFE IN EGYPT, BRITAIN ON TOP

Tours of the pyramids have been cancelled as Indian troops of the British Empire stormed the Nile. Egyptian forces have put up a fierce resistance.

INFLATION FEARS RECEDE

The Austrian economy is finally showing signs of recovery now that it is no longer managed by Friedrich von Ardsburg.

>From the letter column of 'The Times':

Dear Sir,
Am I alone in bemoaning the demise of the great public hero? Whatever happened to the heroes - all the Shakespearos? They let their Rome burn. There are no more heroes any more.
Anonymous.

>From the Times Letter Column:

Sir:
I find I must write to you once more on the subject of "Angela, or Innocence Maligned" currently serialised in 'England's Days Monthly'. I had hoped after my previously expressed objections - surely the view of any straight-thinking Englishman - this serial would end: either with the publishers withdrawing it, or perhaps the author being shamed into ceasing creating this filth. However, I am disgusted to note that the series continues, and if anything it is sinking lower into depravity! It now appears to be trying to, in some sick way, justify the practice of prostitution! Why this odious example of human depravity has not been destroyed I cannot imagine - I once again call for all right-thinking readers of this publication to call for its immediate banning, and prosecution of the author!
Brigadier T. F. Baldershot.

PIONTKOWSKI CALMS PRUSSIA

The political situation in Prussia seems to be settling down under the enlightened guidance of Count Piontkowski, although there is still known to be a higher than average level of Bolshevik activity in the country.

'SICK MAN OF EUROPE' GOES INTO A DECLINE

Trouble for the Ottomans this year as both Spain and Britain land forces in Turkey. Can the old empire hold up against the vigorous powers of Western Europe?

THE COLONEL INVITED TO LECTURE IN OXFORD

Noted explorer and archaeologist Colonel Mustard has been invited to give a series of special lectures at Oxford University. He is being made a special visiting lecturer of archaeology, and many top academics are extremely keen to cooperate with him on his current research into the historical relationship between the Terrans and humans. The Colonel has also recently been promoted in the Bodleian Library, and is becoming increasingly involved in the running of the Ashmolean Museum.

ANNABELLA GETS BLANKET COVERAGE IN LIECHTENSTEIN

Princess Annabella showed herself to be more than just a pretty face by building a blanket factory in Liechtenstein to decisively combat the effects of global cooling in her country.

'COMMUNION' DISTRIBUTED WORLDWIDE

The new Catholic newspaper 'Communion' is now being published in all European languages and is available throughout the world. This year it has featured crusades heavily: their history and antecedents. Given that Cardinal della Rovere's writings for the paper are thought to be one of the reasons why he was elected Pope, does this hint at a crusade against paganism to be called in the new year? Pamphlets praising St Cawrdav and the Almighty over the pagan gods have been distributed throughout Scandinavia this year (with the deaths of several pamphleteers).

PAT PENDING'S SECRETS REVEALED!

Car designing ace Pat Pending is said to be seriously annoyed that the secrets of his latest car engine has been published - without his permission. An anonymous article recently appeared in several journals giving most of the key improvements Professor Pending had made to the engine design, its author stating "I feel these should be in the public domain in order to level the playing field of International Racing". It is expected that most SPAMC cars will soon make use of Pending's (previously top secret) innovations, and this may see the end of his winning streak at the races.

CLUB CONDEMNED

The Cheltenham Ladies Sewing Circle has roundly condemned the new Hellfire Club set up in London. Rumours of occult practices, and diabolic initiation rituals abound, but the club maintains its aura of secrecy and the chairman Bryn Stone refused to comment.

IF MUSIC BE THE FOOD OF LOVE

The rousing strains of Liszt's Joffre Overture have been the accompaniment to the young Marshal's rise to power in France.

MORE INVESTMENT IN SOUTH AFRICA

The Medici Bank has taken control of a number of gold and diamond mines in South Africa this year. The Bank is one of the most prudent institutions in Europe, so does this mean that it believes it safe to back the Dutch regime against the might of Britain? With the entry of Gottfried Dammerung's enterprise onto the same markets, though, there must surely be a danger of Europe being flooded with these precious commodities, and their prices plunging.

THE COLONEL COMES FROM BEHIND TO WIN!

This year saw the most exciting SPAMC championship to date with many competitors seemingly in the running for the championship. Early it seemed as though Professor Pat Pending might cruise away with the championship, his improved Convert-A-Car outclassing all others in the field, and allowing him to win the first two races by a clear distance. However, with the publication of his 'secrets' most of the other cars were upgraded to his standard. Thereafter racing talent shone through, and Professor Pending consistently fell back in the race order. Malady Evans, last year's winner, then became prominent, taking two races with her natural driving talents. However, the consistently successful Colonel Mustard then began to shine, with some well polished racing tactics. He has apparently developed some new technique called 'slide tailing' which allows a car to be 'carried along' by a car ahead. This technique gave him the edge to win the final two races of the season, and combined with his previous success, this secured him the championship.

STEAK KNIVES AT DAWN

A Bolshevik attack on the Tsar's dinner table was easily foiled by the quick thinking of his household staff.

TENNYSON CALLS FOR LOBOTTERY BAN

The Poet Laureate Alfred, Lord Tennyson has put forward a Bill in the House of Lords calling for the institution or operation of any form of Lobottery to be made illegal. Given the press of urgent business on Prime Minister Mey's new government, it seems unlikely the Lobotteries (Banning) Bill will reach the statute books before year's end.

ELIZABETH SIDDAL ABANDONS 'LIFE OF VICE' - FIRES BEERBOHM TREE

Elizabeth Siddal claims to have been inspired by the preaching of Cardinal Baggio, who, she claims, has allowed her to see the error of her previous ways. Giving an interview after having lengthy 'spiritual' conversations with the Cardinal, she also announced that she was firing her long standing agent Beerbohm Tree: "He has dragged me into immorality and vice. My life has been swallowed up by the sinful existence I was drawn to by this terrible man. Cardinal Baggio has opened my eyes to the truth, and I shall devout my life henceforth to things which will benefit my fellow man. One day, perhaps God and society will be able to forgive my indiscretions."

RUSSIA WOOS TURKS

The Ottoman negotiations with Russia are gathering steam. It is believed that ambassador Dr Christian has offered them the chance of becoming a great naval power once again.

LAUREATE TOURS ITALY, PUBLISHES

Lord Tennyson toured Italy this summer, visiting factories and countryside alike, and was inspired to compose a lengthy poem celebrating the history of the Italian people, from Roman times, through the coming of Catholicism, to the present industrial age.

>From The Violent Times - the underground newspaper of the Symplastique movement:

MORE ON THE NATIONAL LOBOTTERY

The rumours of a so called "National Lobottery" were deliberately spread by the Terrans and their political allies as an experiment to gauge how docile and easily manipulated the human race is, and to measure their ability to stand up against authority in defence of their rights. Satisfied with the results of their experiment, the Terrans are now proceeding to take over the world so they can do as they wish with the human race.

NEW PRUSSIAN CHURCH SITS ON FENCE

The new religion of Prussia, the Pantheistic Church of the Illuminated and Enlightened, headed by the Kaiser, brings together Norse and Christian beliefs into a happy unison: the church's motto is "it's PC to be in the PCIE". The Pope has roundly condemned the PCIE as "paganism by the back door".

TAVENER-BEDFORD 'SPACE SHIP' GOES INTO PRODUCTION

Yes! Britain leads the world in yet another field - the conquest of the worlds beyond our own. The noted British scientists Doctor Peter Tavener and Doctor Sir James Bedford have developed a vehicle capable of penetrating the vast deeps of space, and it is now to be produced for the British armed forces.

RUMOURS OF THE NATIONAL LOBOTTERY RIDICULOUS

We are disturbed that the idiotic tales of the National Lobottery are still in circulation in some areas of society. It has yet to be discovered where these tales originate from, but no sane individual could take them seriously.

AUSTRIA TO JOIN NORTHERN ALLIANCE?

Count Piontkowski accompanied the Kaiser to Vienna to discuss the possibility of Austria joining the Grand Northern Alliance. It is believed that these continuing negotiations will bring peace and unity to the whole of Europe. As a mark of the new-found detente, noted scientist Ariadne Digitalis was freed from her imprisonment to work for the benefit of the whole Northern Alliance.

DEITY SWEEPS BOARD AT SKI-ING CHAMPS

There were red faces all round at the ski-ing championships held alongside EXPO 82, as race after race was won by the Norse god of ski-ing Skedi. Among the mortal competitors Dr Peter Tavener led the field using new streamlined equipment he had designed himself, which was exhibited at the EXPO and is now on sale to the general public.

CLAMP DOWN ON UNDERGROUND PRESS

The government has clamped down on the many underground newspapers that have been used to circulate lies and libel concerning the present government in this country. We are glad that these liars have been dealt with.

SHINY HAPPY DUTCHMEN

The Dutch have joined in the British fad of painting every ship in their navy silver.

'FILM' INDUSTRY GATHERS PACE

Beerbohm Tree delighted the theatre-going world with two more 'film' releases this year. 'Ghosts', written by miserable Norwegian scribe Henrik Ibsen, stars Beerbohm Tree himself as Oswald and Elizabeth Siddal (once again hopelessly out of her depth) as Mrs Alving, and is filmed in continual rain. By contrast 'Journey to the Seven Planets' was written by and stars Dan Leno, the Funniest Man on Earth, alongside Siddal, and has had audiences rolling in the aisles throughout the land. The various aliens the pair meet were built by noted waxwork artist Madame Tussaud. The film is to be shown in America next year by P T Barnum. Beerbohm Tree has demonstrated his forward-lookingness by installing fire prevention measures in all his theatres: now the most comfortable evenings out imaginable!

ELIZABETH SIDDAL FIGHTS BACK AGAINST DRUG CULTURE

Former model Elizabeth Siddal is becoming active in the fight against vice in London. She has, at considerable personal risk, acquired a sample of the drug, and taken it to top scientist Ariadne Digitalis in order for her to develop an antidote. She has now, largely with her own funds, set up clinics to distribute this antidote to the afflicted of London. With this evil drug increasing its grip on the capital, we must all thank Miss Siddal for her actions.

DUTCH, BRITISH STAND OFF IN TRANSVAAL

English troops have stayed put in South Africa despite the arrival of Dutch forces to relieve them. With the Dutch colonists accusing the British of foul play on their soil, it seems there may be fighting between the two powers yet.

TRIPOLI UP IN ARMS

The former Italian colony of Tripoli has rebelled against its ruler the Khedive, in protest against his corruption and excesses of vice.

ANNUAL PLAFOND TOURNAMENT ANNOUNCED

Next year will see the first of an annual Plafond Tournament, it was announced by the game's inventor Sterling Vanderbilt recently.

JOFFRE NEW EMPEROR OF FRANCE

Marshal Joffre has led a military coup against Napoleon in Paris, charging his superior with treason for weakening the French forces in campaign after pointless campaign and for unsavoury deference to the British. A huge mob turned out to see Napoleon guillotined and Joffre appointed the new Emperor of France.

TRIPOLI JOINS FEDERATION

In response to calls from the Tripolitanian revolutionaries, the Federation of North Italy has sent in troops to restore peace in the province. Under its new people's government Tripoli is now to become a full member of the Federation alongside Tuscany and Piedmont, with Giacomo Donavelli is its new Governor.

PRUSSIANS BOMBED TOWER

The terrorist attack on the Eiffel Tower has been discovered by a joint French and Spanish investigation to have been the work of the militant Prussian Pickelhaube Front, trying to start a war to revenge themselves on the heroic liberators of Holland. Many of the terrorists were killed in a gunfight when they attempted to perform their vile daubings on the King of Spain's palace.

REFERENDUM CONFIRMS DONAVELLI

A popular vote has confirmed Giacomo Donavelli's government in Tripoli. Voters were offered the choice of full independence or remaining in the Federation of North Italy under Donavelli, and plumped by a majority of three to two for the latter.

PEREZ PRAISES PROSTHESIS

General Xavier Perez has gone on public record proclaiming the benefits of Dr Andrew Hatchet's amazing prosthetics, and recommending that the process be used to restore to health crippled old soldiers who have lost their limbs in recent European wars.

EXPO 82 WOWS THE MILLIONS

As the doors shut on the last reluctant home-goer, EXPO 82's perspiring organiser Giacomo Donavelli announced that the festival had been a great success. A whole month of the best that Europe, Japan and even Mars had to offer in the fields of art, culture and technology, with a colossal exhibition hall and a number of large marquees scattered around it welcoming the eager hordes. Notable stands included those of Mathen MotorCars, Dr Peter Tavener, Dr Ettore Pascucci, a Japanese display of block printing on silk, and a number of interesting items of Terran technology, including a giant flower-bedecked tripod which stalked through the revellers. An slight shadow was cast over part of the proceedings by the presence of several gigantic Norse gods who loomed down out of the clouds, drawing firm condemnation from Church representatives present.

SPANIARDS MOVE INTO KURDESTAN

Spanish troops have occupied a large area of Ottoman land, supporting the Kurds against the local rulers to provide the mock-justification for military conquest that the British have popularised recently.

BORDER CLASHES IN NORTH ITALY

Is the harmony seen earlier this year to be set aside so soon? Armed insurgents from Venice have been attacking into Piedmont, burning peaceful villages. Giacomo Donavelli has made a number of fiery speeches denouncing these attacks and criticising Garibaldi's hypocrisy.

DAVCHENKO STRIKES AT PAGANS, THREATENS TERRANS

Karl Davchenko has initiated a programme to purge Russia of all "unhealthy" influences, including the pagans whom he described as "godless, heathen Satanists, not to mention anarchist/communist subversives". He has also offended the Terrans by threatening to execute any of them found working undercover. It seems that Russia will stand or fall on its own, between the pagan countries of the Northern Alliance and the pro-Terran nations of the south and west.

ALMIGHTY TO JUDGE ICELAND

A great cloud of steam formed itself into a mile-high crucifix and hung over Iceland for forty days and forty nights. According to the church of St Cawrdav this is a sign of God's coming judgement.

MOLTKE CALLS FOR CRUSADE

Juan Fernandez de Moltke has called upon member states of the Catholic Union to embark on a peaceful crusade against paganism in the name of good old-fashioned Christianity.

HE PREFERS 'EM YOUNG

Senor de Moltke is pleased to announce the wedding next year of his two-year-old daughter Evita Juanita to the eldest son of the Shah of Persia.

CHINESE KICK OUT MOLTKE

The Chinese nation has severed its links with Mercosur Atlantico. Apparently it is even more afraid of the Japanese than of the deified Moltke.