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Inferno 1885 News


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News 1885

BAGGIO PULLS IT OFF

Worshippers at Salisbury Cathedral were thrilled to see Rome's famed Cardinal Gino Baggio working miracles at the Ascension Day service he performed jointly with the Bishop. All this while talks were progressing between Cardinal Albertini and the Archbishop of Canterbury about merger of the Churches -- but it seems that the C of E's policy that Jonathan Tyler is probably the new Messiah is as yet unacceptable to Rome, and it was agreed to stay 'just good friends'.

'GHOST TRAIN' IN FRANCE?

After last year's reports of a 'ghost train' spiriting people away in Spain, latest rumours suggest the phenomenon may have spread to France. Up and down the western part of the country, people are complaining that their loved ones have been stolen. In each case the pattern is the same -- the victim is picked up as though by an invisible agency, conveyed to railway tracks and then drawn off at tremendous speed. Some twenty thousand people have been stolen this way, to add to the eighty thousand or more taken in Spain so far.

MURDER AND MAYHEM AT THE TIMES

New Years Eve proved to be a terrible night for the Times, Britain's most prestigious newspaper. Unknown terrorists broke into the building in the middle of the night, and murdered a number of staff stationed in the basement of the building. It is believed these individuals were being employed as security guards, although precisely why is not clear at this stage. No witnesses have come forward, and police are unsure as to what could be the motive behind such an apparently senseless attack. No damage was done to the Times' printing presses, and it is believed that nothing was stolen. Perhaps some anarchists group is striking against this most prestigious and traditional establishment of the British people.

AUSTRALIANS TRIUMPH IN LAST-OVER THRILLER

The Moon's inaugural Test match saw a close finish, as the last pair of English batsmen bravely resisted the Australian attack. With three balls to go, star Ocker paceman Greg Bruce trapped Cardinal Gianluca Vialli lbw playing no stroke to one that nipped back from the off, and Australia were home by 45 runs. Earlier there had been some mighty hitting in the Moon's low gravity conditions, particularly from star Ocker batsman Mick Bruce who top-scored with 158 in the first innings. Star Ocker all-rounder Ian Bruce was the pick of the bowlers, with 10-105 in the match. It will probably be some time before the Moon can field its own team, though: Governor Tavener said that the Selenites had little interest in such matters, and neither did the White Russian emigres who currently make up the bulk of the satellite's population. Hopes that a team of entities would also be able to compete in a triangular tournament were dashed when their representative the demon Li-Lley learnt that starmetal bats were unacceptable.

NEW SCHOOL OF WAR OPENS IN KYOTO

The newly opened University of Warfare in Kyoto, Japan, was yesterday officially dedicated to the Japanese Emperor in a tasteful ceremony directed by the university's founder Ludwig Asmodeus. The university is said to be aiming to integrate Eastern martial arts with Western medieval war philosophy.

THE ARMING OF SHAKA-ZULU

The amazing city of SHAKA-ZULU still under construction in Andorra is now to have fearsome armament to match its fearsome technology. We are told that both Verne and Victor cannons are to be placed around the establishment. Our sources assure us that this is for no aggressive intent, but rather to dissuade any from launching an unprovoked attack against this great city. However, we do hear that despite the great technology of those behind the city, trouble is being had in getting the Verne Cannons to function properly. No doubt the scientist will soon have solved any small problems there may be.

POPE VISITS RUSSIA, COMMISERATES

His Holiness Pius X spent some time this summer in the land of his latest recruits to the Catholic cause, the unfortunate Russians. He made a series of moving speeches decrying the West's callous treatment of the citizens of the country, and while making it clear that he had no brief for Communism he praised Secretary Davchenko's decision to allow full freedom of worship.

BEASTS BITE BACK

Bands of wild animals have been on several occasions recently hunting down and attacking small demonic entities. Huge flocks of sparrows, and packs of wolves have been seen to descend on the entities and attack them. Observers have noted that some of the birds and animals seem to be wearing black hoods and collars. Rumours suggest this may be the beginning of a wild hunt to purge the world of 'hateful' things.

FRENCH PLOT TO POISON POPE EXPOSED

The Pope has called upon the French government to hand over the person of top scientist Tallow Directrix for trial, after uncovering evidence that he was instrumental in a plot to poison His Holiness by introducing deleterious drugs into his food. Refusal to comply may result in the Pope calling for sanctions from the entire Catholic world to add to France's woes, top Vatican-watchers say.

RUSSIAN PLAGUE LESSENS

The news out of Russia is that the Plague that swept the country last year is lessening, and many have now made a full recovery. We are told that in most cases the "Russian sickness" proved non-lethal, and although symptoms were very severe and long lasting, no permanent damage was done. Perhaps this marks a change in fortunes for this beleaguered country.

LONDON: DRUGS MENACE RECEDES

The city's health officials breathed a sigh of relief this year, as addiction rates to the drug Substance D fell close to zero. This vile compound, which has held the capital in thrall for several years now, may at last be on the way out. Commentators are pointing to the general return to religious and moral values as responsible for this improvement, as well as for the general upward trend in London's moral tone.

BERGS BAFFLE BOFFINS

Rumours are running wild that some of the larger ships in the Russian Navy have sunk following unforeseen collisions with icebergs off the coast of France. Scientists are totally baffled as to how icebergs could be the cause, and blame the poor visibility for the bizarre claims of the survivors.

IT'S OFFICIAL: CATHOLICISM IS COOL

The Vatican has retooled its recently-purchased M5 factories so that they produce air-conditioning units, in response to the vast growth in demand of these devices this year. The units have been marketed behind the slogans "No Need To Suffer The Fires Of Hell Just Yet!" and "Make Your Home As Cool As Rome".

M-CARD OFFERED TO THE WHOLE OF EUROPE

The massive Mathen Corporation is now offering everyone in Europe the chance to carry a little of the corporation in their wallet -- the M-Card is to be given to every man and woman if they fill in a small form for the information of Mathen Enterprises. The card can also be converted to function as a full MathenCard, as part of the new wave of banking. However, we hear there have been some difficulties with the initial launch of the card -- resentment in some government circles, and a marked apathy from 'the man in the street' many of whom are not nearly educated enough to understand what it is they are being offered, or able to fill in the forms required for the Mathen data-base.

DUTCH NAVY SUNK OFF CAPE

The bulk of the Dutch fleet, which had been causing a nuisance to shipping off the Cape of Good Hope, has been sent to the bottom by a series of freak waterspouts, localised giant waves and the like. Does this spell the end of Dutch hopes of retaking South Africa?

DEMONS MARCH ON PARLIAMENT FOR RIGHTS

A bizarre and somewhat surreal scene greeted the denizens of Whitehall yesterday, as they opened their curtains to look out on a small horde of demonic entities marching outside. They appeared to be protesting for equal rights, and several Living Placards, made up of hundreds of tiny demon-spawn, were visible in their ranks. The local constabulary moved cautiously in to address the problem, and the demons disappeared without conflict.

MATHENCARD BLAMED FOR LEAPING INFLATION ACROSS EUROPE

The initial praise for the innovative MathenCard now seems to be changing to condemnation. The card company is now carrying extremely high debt, and although it remains -- surprisingly -- economically stable, the massive injection of unsupported cash into the economy of Europe is destabilising all of the major currencies. With inflation leaping in many countries, and currencies crashing in comparison to the Dollar and the Yen (newly entered into world economics) it seems no good is resulting from this extra spending power being placed in the hands of the irresponsible common man.

"DEMONS' LIB" SYMPATHIES WIDESPREAD

Further to reports earlier in the year, it seems there is a serious contingent within our population who believe that the demonic entities that now plague our lives and tear countries to pieces just miles from our borders should be integrated into our society with equal rights. Marches have been staged throughout Europe, involving both people and entities. International model Elizabeth Siddal has denied any involvement with the demonstrations, despite the high prominence of people sporting her recently unveiled 'Gothique' style involved in the protests.

DUTCH TRIUMPH, DAMMERUNG BAILS OUT

In a stunning military tour de force, Dutch commander Gerhard Hubris has succeeded in driving the British from South Africa altogether, former governor Gottfried Dammerung shepherding the remains of the colonial administration back to London in a sorry state of woe. Hubris boldly landed in Namibia and forced march through the desert to surprise the British commanders outside Johannesburg, and a rising of Boer settlers came to his aid as he drove downwards towards the Cape. Hubris has declared South Africa a semi-autonomous province of Holland, and has promised freedom of worship and equality for all racial groups.

JAPANESE INVESTMENT INCREASES THROUGHOUT EUROPE

Japanese companies seem to be taking advantage of the weak European currencies in order to increase their economic influence in this area. The strong Yen has allowed them to buy up a number of ailing companies, and reshape them along Japanese lines. So far the results have been excellent, with increased profits under the new distant masters.

AIR'AI SUPPORT BRITAIN, SAYS DONAVELLI

Noted Air'ai priest Giacomo Donavelli has announced that the gods he represents are in favour of British rule in South Africa.

LUNAR COLONY GETS OFF THE GROUND

The British government and Crown have funded the establishment of a colony on the Moon, under the governorship of Dr Peter Tavener. Initially to be a scientific base, this outpost of Empire will also provide a refuge for Russian aristocrats fleeing the Red menace, and other such unfortunates.

HUBRIS THE BUTCHER: HORRIFIC INHUMANITY COMES TO LIGHT

Shocking stories have reached us from South Africa about blood-stained conqueror Gerhard Hubris's treatment of honest British troops captured in the war. Apparently all two thousand of these prisoners were driven into the Kalahari desert, there to die of starvation, thirst and heat. In his defence Hubris claimed that this was "an ancient Zulu custom". The Times does not fear to brand this abominable man a barbaric butcher, blind to all the ways of civilisation, stamped with the mark of Cain, and a leper and outcast from the human race. We call upon the government of Holland to summon him to stand trial in London for his appalling crimes against humanity!

SCIENTISTS COLLABORATE TO 'GREEN' MOON

Noted scientists Countess Ariadne Digitalis and Professor Archibald Sheridan have worked together to develop an ecostasis greenhouse system which will allow the Moon to produce Earth-like vegetables for the nourishment of its settlers.

STRANGE THEFT AT MADAME TUSSAUD'S

The confusion of the age continues to lead to bizarre and freakish incidents. Last night an unknown thief broke into the world-famous Madame Tussaud's of London, and stole the heads from a number of the excellent wax figures found there. What deviant could profit from this action one dreads to think.

POPE CONFIRMS TYLER

The Pope has issued reports verifying that Jonathan Tyler is indeed a genuine prophet and man of exceeding holiness. Speculation that he may be the second incarnation of Christ, son of God, has not been denied by the Vatican. Could this be our salvation in these troubled times?

AIR'AI SWEEP THROUGH AFRICA

The Air'ai's grip on North Africa tightened startlingly this year, as risings of worshippers seized the independent kingdoms of Abyssinia and the Soudan, as well as the French colonies of Tchad, Algeria, Tunisia and Niger. In each case the crazed cultists were supported by the so-called Divine Legion, a force based in Libya and under the control of Giacomo Donavelli. Conquering the unfortunate outposts of the French Empire is one thing, but should the vainglorious former Florentine politician have his eyes on any British colonies, let him know that the bulldog's bite has a long arm!

SIGHTINGS OF THE BEAST -- 'IT IS FORETOLD BY REVELATIONS' SAY CHURCH

A shocking and hideous sight was reported recently -- a great red beast with many heads, three sixes marked upon it and an insane scantily-clad woman shrieking with laughter. Although few actually saw the beast in person -- visibility being very poor in the continuing strange weather conditions -- reports spread quickly. The Church, when asked to comment, said "In these terrible times it is no surprise that such sights are to be seen. It was clearly the Whore of Babylon riding on the back of The Beast, as it is proclaimed in the Book of Revelations. Clearly Armageddon is at hand -- purge your hearts and turn to the Church for salvation!"

DESERTS TO BLOOM ACROSS AFRICA

Japanese irrigation technology is to be extended to all Air'ai-controlled lands, the Libyan authorities announced. With the recent dramatic upturn in world temperatures, it seems that this science may ere long have a wider application.

>From 'How Do you Do?' magazine: HATS OFF TO HOUSE OF MEDICI

The House of Medici boutique has branched out into a range of accessories this year, hats, scarves, shoes and make-up to complement the popular 'Gothique' look. With the backing of lovely Lizzie Siddal, how can it fail? Their new perfume, though, 'Temptation by Medici', has had rather less success, with Ariadne Digitalis's 'Eau de Rita' still enjoying a stranglehold on the market.

IT'S HERE -- IT'S NEW -- PLAY CEREBINGO!

New Mathen Steamer? Holiday on Mars? Sound expensive, don't they? Out of your price range? Not for long, if you start playing new CereBingo! Don't delay, rush along to your local CereBingo hall and get winning! For just a sixpence stake you could find yourself the lucky winner of a fortune beyond your wildest dreams. And for that element of real danger -- if you get all the numbers wrong, you will be freeze-dried and sent away for lobotomisation. No Brain, No Gain with CereBingo!

>From 'The Oklahoma Observer': MARS MERCHANDISE WOWS YOUNGSTERS

Up and down our great state, the young folks just can't get enough of these new Terran goodies -- both 'Mars Dust' and 'Mars Bars' are storming out of the stores. Is there no end to the benefits our Terran friends provide us with?

THE WHORE OF BABYLON FLIES OVER LONDON

The Whore of Babylon -- as predicted in the Book of Revelations -- has again been seen flying low over London cackling her insane laugh. This terrible sight has caused fear in all who have seen it, and the churches are more packed than before as the common man returns to Mother Church for protection from the Armageddon that is upon us.

JAPANESE DRAMA STORMS EUROPE

Up and down Europe, theatre-goers have witnessed a new type of drama -- called 'Kabuki' and not unlike human-actor puppetry, it is a traditional Japanese form, and thanks to promoter Beerbohm Tree we are at last able to catch up with that ancient people's cultural heritage. Another form of Japanese theatre, called 'No' and rather minimal in style, has been tried out in Norway, and may find its way down into the rest of Europe in future years, although Beerbohm Tree warned: 'It's not to everyone's taste!'

GHOST TRAIN CLEANS OUT LIECHTENSTEIN

Visitors to this tiny European principality were stunned to find that over the August Bank Holiday weekend its population was completely removed -- presumed carried off by the 'ghost train', without one single person left behind. The Empress of France, whose father is -- or, rather, was -- King of Liechtenstein, is reported to be devastated.

BRAVE BRITISH TROOPS FIGHT OFF AIR'AI IN KENYA

Crazed Air'ai cultists attempted to swoop on Kenya this autumn, but the vigilance of our colonial forces beat them off -- not without much loss, though. Is it not time something was done about the menace Donavelli's zealots pose?

A LEGAL NOTE FROM THE CEREBINGO ORGANISATION

Please note that CereBingo is in no sense a Lobottery under the meaning of the recent Act. It contains elements of skill (players have to use their judgement to select the numbers most likely to come up) and therefore is a game or pastime, rather than a lottery.

LADY SWINBURN ABDUCTED

The heiress Lady Swinburn has been abducted from her carriage in London. Police are investigating this terrible crime, but so far have discovered little to lead them to the culprits. Our hearts go out to this poor woman in her time of distress.

DISGRACE OF VILE 'FILMS' -- WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?

Why does the Government allow peddlers of smut to infest our streets? The latest supposedly titillating offering, 'Debbie Does Entities', in which an unfortunate young woman is forced to provide 'services' to a variety of persons in ill-fitting rubber demon costumes, is more laughable than sinister, but 'Mongol Maids: My Tartar Torment' is another matter altogether, as this correspondent was recently forced (for research purposes) to find out. How many companies can there be around with the capability of developing this high-technology 'immerse' equipment? The Times says: round up the suspects and put them to the question!

PHEW! WHAT A SCORCHER!

The world mopped its brow this summer as temperatures soared. After the last few years of surpassing cold a blast or two of hot air might be thought to come a some relief, but no: top meteorologists confide that the current hot weather could potentially be just as detrimental as the cold was, with crops suffering already in sub-tropical zones. And it's still getting hotter!

PRUSSIAN WATER PLANTS REBUILT

New water filtration plants have been built in Hamburg, Danzig and Munich, to Countess Ariadne Digitalis's design. In these demon-ruled cities, of course, the danger of cholera is the least of the unfortunate inhabitants' worries.

LADY SWINBURN SAVED BY FALLEN WOMAN

The lovely Lady Swinburn has been saved, and returned to her family. The circumstances of her apparent rescue seem somewhat odd, as a young woman was responsible for the rescue. She tended Lady Swinburn for some days until she had regained sufficient strength to return to her family. However, it was discovered on further investigation that the young rescuer was in fact a woman of negotiable affections. Lady Swinburn's family immediately assumed that she must be in league with the kidnappers, using a cunning ruse to collect a reward for Lady Swinburn's return. But the young woman refused all money, and investigation has found no connection between her and the abductors. It is pleasing to note that even in these troubled times the lowest of the low still respect their betters enough to aid them in times of peril.

CLEAN WATER IN YOUR HOME NOW!

You too can have the benefit of pure drinking water, guaranteed free of cholera and other diseases, in the comfort of your own home, wherever you live. Contact the Private Water Filtration company for details. With free servicing for a year included! As used by Her Majesty Queen Victoria!

LAUREATE WRITES ON COMMON MAN

Lord Tennyson has published a long poem in light vein, detailing the woes of the common man in these days of change, but celebrating his ability to lay troubles aside and look to the future. The poem has proved very popular up and down the country, and has been quoted from by several Liberal MPs in the House.

WEATHER REPORT:

Fog expected to continue until the weekend. Followed by more fog. And then some more fog, probably. Getting warmer though, isn't it? Still foggy though. Fog, fog, fog. Remember when you didn't know how the weather was going to be? Could rain, could be sunny. Fog was quite exciting. Now all we get is Fog. Bloody Fog. God I hate fog. It's Gof backwards you know, that must be significant. Gof... bit like God. So fog is not quite god backwards... i.e. the devil. Ah-ha! It all becomes clear! Fog, your diabolic scheme is revealed at last!

GHOST TRAIN MENACE STALKS ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE!

The true horror of the ghost train threat has now become apparent, as it (whatever 'it' truly is) has started operating in England! In the past three weeks nearly five thousand people have been simply snatched away from their families and friends, never to be seen again. The Times demands urgent Government, Army and Police action against this outrage!

IT'S A GODAWFUL SMALL AFFAIR...

Want to escape from the black mist and escape to a place of tranquillity and natural beauty in a wilderness unspoilt by human hands? Then take a vacation to Mars, and experience things you never thought possible on this world. Even better, why not give up the stresses and fears of life here on Earth and move there permanently. Accommodation, and vacations through the MarsTours Cooperation will be available towards the start of next year, and are booking now.

THE END OF KING PAUL OF BAVARIA

News out of Bavaria is that King Paul I, who only recently seized the thrown from his own mother with the help of a powerful militia, has been killed. Details are scarce, but it seems two men entered his palace early in the year, and one was heard to call "Listen cobber, its either your balls or your life: your choice." A mighty duel was seen to be fought, at the end of which the mighty Paul fell dead, slain by the sword of one of his assailants. The murder then left the palace, while the fearsome palace guards stood by, apparently unwilling to approach the man who had killed their King.

WEATHERMAN COMMITS SUICIDE AFTER MENTAL BREAKDOWN

The Times' long-standing weatherman committed suicide yesterday, after seemingly suffering some kind of breakdown. Unfortunately his final report was submitted late, and went to print before being edited. We apologise to our readers for any inconvenience caused.

Further News

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