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Inferno 1885 News
BAGGIO PULLS IT OFF
Worshippers at Salisbury Cathedral were thrilled to see Rome's famed
Cardinal Gino Baggio working miracles at the Ascension Day service he
performed jointly with the Bishop. All this while talks were progressing
between Cardinal Albertini and the Archbishop of Canterbury about merger of
the Churches -- but it seems that the C of E's policy that Jonathan Tyler
is probably the new Messiah is as yet unacceptable to Rome, and it was
agreed to stay 'just good friends'.
'GHOST TRAIN' IN FRANCE?
After last year's reports of a 'ghost train' spiriting people away in
Spain, latest rumours suggest the phenomenon may have spread to France. Up
and down the western part of the country, people are complaining that their
loved ones have been stolen. In each case the pattern is the same -- the
victim is picked up as though by an invisible agency, conveyed to railway
tracks and then drawn off at tremendous speed. Some twenty thousand people
have been stolen this way, to add to the eighty thousand or more taken in
Spain so far.
MURDER AND MAYHEM AT THE TIMES
New Years Eve proved to be a terrible night for the Times, Britain's most
prestigious newspaper. Unknown terrorists broke into the building in the
middle of the night, and murdered a number of staff stationed in the
basement of the building. It is believed these individuals were being
employed as security guards, although precisely why is not clear at this
stage. No witnesses have come forward, and police are unsure as to what
could be the motive behind such an apparently senseless attack. No damage
was done to the Times' printing presses, and it is believed that nothing
was stolen. Perhaps some anarchists group is striking against this most
prestigious and traditional establishment of the British people.
AUSTRALIANS TRIUMPH IN LAST-OVER THRILLER
The Moon's inaugural Test match saw a close finish, as the last pair of
English batsmen bravely resisted the Australian attack. With three balls to
go, star Ocker paceman Greg Bruce trapped Cardinal Gianluca Vialli lbw
playing no stroke to one that nipped back from the off, and Australia were
home by 45 runs. Earlier there had been some mighty hitting in the Moon's
low gravity conditions, particularly from star Ocker batsman Mick Bruce who
top-scored with 158 in the first innings. Star Ocker all-rounder Ian Bruce
was the pick of the bowlers, with 10-105 in the match. It will probably be
some time before the Moon can field its own team, though: Governor Tavener
said that the Selenites had little interest in such matters, and neither
did the White Russian emigres who currently make up the bulk of the
satellite's population. Hopes that a team of entities would also be able to
compete in a triangular tournament were dashed when their representative
the demon Li-Lley learnt that starmetal bats were unacceptable.
NEW SCHOOL OF WAR OPENS IN KYOTO
The newly opened University of Warfare in Kyoto, Japan, was yesterday
officially dedicated to the Japanese Emperor in a tasteful ceremony
directed by the university's founder Ludwig Asmodeus. The university is
said to be aiming to integrate Eastern martial arts with Western medieval
THE ARMING OF SHAKA-ZULU
The amazing city of SHAKA-ZULU still under construction in Andorra is now
to have fearsome armament to match its fearsome technology. We are told
that both Verne and Victor cannons are to be placed around the
establishment. Our sources assure us that this is for no aggressive intent,
but rather to dissuade any from launching an unprovoked attack against this
great city. However, we do hear that despite the great technology of those
behind the city, trouble is being had in getting the Verne Cannons to
function properly. No doubt the scientist will soon have solved any small
problems there may be.
POPE VISITS RUSSIA, COMMISERATES
His Holiness Pius X spent some time this summer in the land of his latest
recruits to the Catholic cause, the unfortunate Russians. He made a series
of moving speeches decrying the West's callous treatment of the citizens of
the country, and while making it clear that he had no brief for Communism
he praised Secretary Davchenko's decision to allow full freedom of worship.
BEASTS BITE BACK
Bands of wild animals have been on several occasions recently hunting down
and attacking small demonic entities. Huge flocks of sparrows, and packs of
wolves have been seen to descend on the entities and attack them. Observers
have noted that some of the birds and animals seem to be wearing black
hoods and collars. Rumours suggest this may be the beginning of a wild hunt
to purge the world of 'hateful' things.
FRENCH PLOT TO POISON POPE EXPOSED
The Pope has called upon the French government to hand over the person of
top scientist Tallow Directrix for trial, after uncovering evidence that he
was instrumental in a plot to poison His Holiness by introducing
deleterious drugs into his food. Refusal to comply may result in the Pope
calling for sanctions from the entire Catholic world to add to France's
woes, top Vatican-watchers say.
RUSSIAN PLAGUE LESSENS
The news out of Russia is that the Plague that swept the country last year
is lessening, and many have now made a full recovery. We are told that in
most cases the "Russian sickness" proved non-lethal, and although symptoms
were very severe and long lasting, no permanent damage was done. Perhaps
this marks a change in fortunes for this beleaguered country.
LONDON: DRUGS MENACE RECEDES
The city's health officials breathed a sigh of relief this year, as
addiction rates to the drug Substance D fell close to zero. This vile
compound, which has held the capital in thrall for several years now, may
at last be on the way out. Commentators are pointing to the general return
to religious and moral values as responsible for this improvement, as well
as for the general upward trend in London's moral tone.
BERGS BAFFLE BOFFINS
Rumours are running wild that some of the larger ships in the Russian Navy
have sunk following unforeseen collisions with icebergs off the coast of
France. Scientists are totally baffled as to how icebergs could be the
cause, and blame the poor visibility for the bizarre claims of the
IT'S OFFICIAL: CATHOLICISM IS COOL
The Vatican has retooled its recently-purchased M5 factories so that they
produce air-conditioning units, in response to the vast growth in demand of
these devices this year. The units have been marketed behind the slogans
"No Need To Suffer The Fires Of Hell Just Yet!" and "Make Your Home As Cool
M-CARD OFFERED TO THE WHOLE OF EUROPE
The massive Mathen Corporation is now offering everyone in Europe the
chance to carry a little of the corporation in their wallet -- the M-Card
is to be given to every man and woman if they fill in a small form for the
information of Mathen Enterprises. The card can also be converted to
function as a full MathenCard, as part of the new wave of banking. However,
we hear there have been some difficulties with the initial launch of the
card -- resentment in some government circles, and a marked apathy from
'the man in the street' many of whom are not nearly educated enough to
understand what it is they are being offered, or able to fill in the forms
required for the Mathen data-base.
DUTCH NAVY SUNK OFF CAPE
The bulk of the Dutch fleet, which had been causing a nuisance to shipping
off the Cape of Good Hope, has been sent to the bottom by a series of freak
waterspouts, localised giant waves and the like. Does this spell the end of
Dutch hopes of retaking South Africa?
DEMONS MARCH ON PARLIAMENT FOR RIGHTS
A bizarre and somewhat surreal scene greeted the denizens of Whitehall
yesterday, as they opened their curtains to look out on a small horde of
demonic entities marching outside. They appeared to be protesting for equal
rights, and several Living Placards, made up of hundreds of tiny
demon-spawn, were visible in their ranks. The local constabulary moved
cautiously in to address the problem, and the demons disappeared without
MATHENCARD BLAMED FOR LEAPING INFLATION ACROSS EUROPE
The initial praise for the innovative MathenCard now seems to be changing
to condemnation. The card company is now carrying extremely high debt, and
although it remains -- surprisingly -- economically stable, the massive
injection of unsupported cash into the economy of Europe is destabilising
all of the major currencies. With inflation leaping in many countries, and
currencies crashing in comparison to the Dollar and the Yen (newly entered
into world economics) it seems no good is resulting from this extra
spending power being placed in the hands of the irresponsible common man.
"DEMONS' LIB" SYMPATHIES WIDESPREAD
Further to reports earlier in the year, it seems there is a serious
contingent within our population who believe that the demonic entities that
now plague our lives and tear countries to pieces just miles from our
borders should be integrated into our society with equal rights. Marches
have been staged throughout Europe, involving both people and entities.
International model Elizabeth Siddal has denied any involvement with the
demonstrations, despite the high prominence of people sporting her recently
unveiled 'Gothique' style involved in the protests.
DUTCH TRIUMPH, DAMMERUNG BAILS OUT
In a stunning military tour de force, Dutch commander Gerhard Hubris has
succeeded in driving the British from South Africa altogether, former
governor Gottfried Dammerung shepherding the remains of the colonial
administration back to London in a sorry state of woe. Hubris boldly landed
in Namibia and forced march through the desert to surprise the British
commanders outside Johannesburg, and a rising of Boer settlers came to his
aid as he drove downwards towards the Cape. Hubris has declared South
Africa a semi-autonomous province of Holland, and has promised freedom of
worship and equality for all racial groups.
JAPANESE INVESTMENT INCREASES THROUGHOUT EUROPE
Japanese companies seem to be taking advantage of the weak European
currencies in order to increase their economic influence in this area. The
strong Yen has allowed them to buy up a number of ailing companies, and
reshape them along Japanese lines. So far the results have been excellent,
with increased profits under the new distant masters.
AIR'AI SUPPORT BRITAIN, SAYS DONAVELLI
Noted Air'ai priest Giacomo Donavelli has announced that the gods he
represents are in favour of British rule in South Africa.
LUNAR COLONY GETS OFF THE GROUND
The British government and Crown have funded the establishment of a colony
on the Moon, under the governorship of Dr Peter Tavener. Initially to be a
scientific base, this outpost of Empire will also provide a refuge for
Russian aristocrats fleeing the Red menace, and other such unfortunates.
HUBRIS THE BUTCHER: HORRIFIC INHUMANITY COMES TO LIGHT
Shocking stories have reached us from South Africa about blood-stained
conqueror Gerhard Hubris's treatment of honest British troops captured in
the war. Apparently all two thousand of these prisoners were driven into
the Kalahari desert, there to die of starvation, thirst and heat. In his
defence Hubris claimed that this was "an ancient Zulu custom". The Times
does not fear to brand this abominable man a barbaric butcher, blind to all
the ways of civilisation, stamped with the mark of Cain, and a leper and
outcast from the human race. We call upon the government of Holland to
summon him to stand trial in London for his appalling crimes against
SCIENTISTS COLLABORATE TO 'GREEN' MOON
Noted scientists Countess Ariadne Digitalis and Professor Archibald
Sheridan have worked together to develop an ecostasis greenhouse system
which will allow the Moon to produce Earth-like vegetables for the
nourishment of its settlers.
STRANGE THEFT AT MADAME TUSSAUD'S
The confusion of the age continues to lead to bizarre and freakish
incidents. Last night an unknown thief broke into the world-famous Madame
Tussaud's of London, and stole the heads from a number of the excellent wax
figures found there. What deviant could profit from this action one dreads
POPE CONFIRMS TYLER
The Pope has issued reports verifying that Jonathan Tyler is indeed a
genuine prophet and man of exceeding holiness. Speculation that he may be
the second incarnation of Christ, son of God, has not been denied by the
Vatican. Could this be our salvation in these troubled times?
AIR'AI SWEEP THROUGH AFRICA
The Air'ai's grip on North Africa tightened startlingly this year, as
risings of worshippers seized the independent kingdoms of Abyssinia and the
Soudan, as well as the French colonies of Tchad, Algeria, Tunisia and
Niger. In each case the crazed cultists were supported by the so-called
Divine Legion, a force based in Libya and under the control of Giacomo
Donavelli. Conquering the unfortunate outposts of the French Empire is one
thing, but should the vainglorious former Florentine politician have his
eyes on any British colonies, let him know that the bulldog's bite has a
SIGHTINGS OF THE BEAST -- 'IT IS FORETOLD BY REVELATIONS' SAY CHURCH
A shocking and hideous sight was reported recently -- a great red beast
with many heads, three sixes marked upon it and an insane scantily-clad
woman shrieking with laughter. Although few actually saw the beast in
person -- visibility being very poor in the continuing strange weather
conditions -- reports spread quickly. The Church, when asked to comment,
said "In these terrible times it is no surprise that such sights are to be
seen. It was clearly the Whore of Babylon riding on the back of The Beast,
as it is proclaimed in the Book of Revelations. Clearly Armageddon is at
hand -- purge your hearts and turn to the Church for salvation!"
DESERTS TO BLOOM ACROSS AFRICA
Japanese irrigation technology is to be extended to all Air'ai-controlled
lands, the Libyan authorities announced. With the recent dramatic upturn in
world temperatures, it seems that this science may ere long have a wider
>From 'How Do you Do?' magazine: HATS OFF TO HOUSE OF MEDICI
The House of Medici boutique has branched out into a range of accessories
this year, hats, scarves, shoes and make-up to complement the popular
'Gothique' look. With the backing of lovely Lizzie Siddal, how can it fail?
Their new perfume, though, 'Temptation by Medici', has had rather less
success, with Ariadne Digitalis's 'Eau de Rita' still enjoying a
stranglehold on the market.
IT'S HERE -- IT'S NEW -- PLAY CEREBINGO!
New Mathen Steamer? Holiday on Mars? Sound expensive, don't they? Out of
your price range? Not for long, if you start playing new CereBingo! Don't
delay, rush along to your local CereBingo hall and get winning! For just a
sixpence stake you could find yourself the lucky winner of a fortune beyond
your wildest dreams. And for that element of real danger -- if you get all
the numbers wrong, you will be freeze-dried and sent away for
lobotomisation. No Brain, No Gain with CereBingo!
>From 'The Oklahoma Observer': MARS MERCHANDISE WOWS YOUNGSTERS
Up and down our great state, the young folks just can't get enough of these
new Terran goodies -- both 'Mars Dust' and 'Mars Bars' are storming out of
the stores. Is there no end to the benefits our Terran friends provide us
THE WHORE OF BABYLON FLIES OVER LONDON
The Whore of Babylon -- as predicted in the Book of Revelations -- has
again been seen flying low over London cackling her insane laugh. This
terrible sight has caused fear in all who have seen it, and the churches
are more packed than before as the common man returns to Mother Church for
protection from the Armageddon that is upon us.
JAPANESE DRAMA STORMS EUROPE
Up and down Europe, theatre-goers have witnessed a new type of drama --
called 'Kabuki' and not unlike human-actor puppetry, it is a traditional
Japanese form, and thanks to promoter Beerbohm Tree we are at last able to
catch up with that ancient people's cultural heritage. Another form of
Japanese theatre, called 'No' and rather minimal in style, has been tried
out in Norway, and may find its way down into the rest of Europe in future
years, although Beerbohm Tree warned: 'It's not to everyone's taste!'
GHOST TRAIN CLEANS OUT LIECHTENSTEIN
Visitors to this tiny European principality were stunned to find that over
the August Bank Holiday weekend its population was completely removed --
presumed carried off by the 'ghost train', without one single person left
behind. The Empress of France, whose father is -- or, rather, was -- King
of Liechtenstein, is reported to be devastated.
BRAVE BRITISH TROOPS FIGHT OFF AIR'AI IN KENYA
Crazed Air'ai cultists attempted to swoop on Kenya this autumn, but the
vigilance of our colonial forces beat them off -- not without much loss,
though. Is it not time something was done about the menace Donavelli's
A LEGAL NOTE FROM THE CEREBINGO ORGANISATION
Please note that CereBingo is in no sense a Lobottery under the meaning of
the recent Act. It contains elements of skill (players have to use their
judgement to select the numbers most likely to come up) and therefore is a
game or pastime, rather than a lottery.
LADY SWINBURN ABDUCTED
The heiress Lady Swinburn has been abducted from her carriage in London.
Police are investigating this terrible crime, but so far have discovered
little to lead them to the culprits. Our hearts go out to this poor woman
in her time of distress.
DISGRACE OF VILE 'FILMS' -- WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?
Why does the Government allow peddlers of smut to infest our streets? The
latest supposedly titillating offering, 'Debbie Does Entities', in which an
unfortunate young woman is forced to provide 'services' to a variety of
persons in ill-fitting rubber demon costumes, is more laughable than
sinister, but 'Mongol Maids: My Tartar Torment' is another matter
altogether, as this correspondent was recently forced (for research
purposes) to find out. How many companies can there be around with the
capability of developing this high-technology 'immerse' equipment? The
Times says: round up the suspects and put them to the question!
PHEW! WHAT A SCORCHER!
The world mopped its brow this summer as temperatures soared. After the
last few years of surpassing cold a blast or two of hot air might be
thought to come a some relief, but no: top meteorologists confide that the
current hot weather could potentially be just as detrimental as the cold
was, with crops suffering already in sub-tropical zones. And it's still
PRUSSIAN WATER PLANTS REBUILT
New water filtration plants have been built in Hamburg, Danzig and Munich,
to Countess Ariadne Digitalis's design. In these demon-ruled cities, of
course, the danger of cholera is the least of the unfortunate inhabitants'
LADY SWINBURN SAVED BY FALLEN WOMAN
The lovely Lady Swinburn has been saved, and returned to her family. The
circumstances of her apparent rescue seem somewhat odd, as a young woman
was responsible for the rescue. She tended Lady Swinburn for some days
until she had regained sufficient strength to return to her family.
However, it was discovered on further investigation that the young rescuer
was in fact a woman of negotiable affections. Lady Swinburn's family
immediately assumed that she must be in league with the kidnappers, using a
cunning ruse to collect a reward for Lady Swinburn's return. But the young
woman refused all money, and investigation has found no connection between
her and the abductors. It is pleasing to note that even in these troubled
times the lowest of the low still respect their betters enough to aid them
in times of peril.
CLEAN WATER IN YOUR HOME NOW!
You too can have the benefit of pure drinking water, guaranteed free of
cholera and other diseases, in the comfort of your own home, wherever you
live. Contact the Private Water Filtration company for details. With free
servicing for a year included! As used by Her Majesty Queen Victoria!
LAUREATE WRITES ON COMMON MAN
Lord Tennyson has published a long poem in light vein, detailing the woes
of the common man in these days of change, but celebrating his ability to
lay troubles aside and look to the future. The poem has proved very popular
up and down the country, and has been quoted from by several Liberal MPs in
Fog expected to continue until the weekend. Followed by
more fog. And then some more fog, probably. Getting warmer though, isn't
it? Still foggy though. Fog, fog, fog. Remember when you didn't know how
the weather was going to be? Could rain, could be sunny. Fog was quite
exciting. Now all we get is Fog. Bloody Fog. God I hate fog. It's Gof
backwards you know, that must be significant. Gof... bit like God. So fog
is not quite god backwards... i.e. the devil. Ah-ha! It all becomes clear!
Fog, your diabolic scheme is revealed at last!
GHOST TRAIN MENACE STALKS ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE!
The true horror of the ghost train threat has now become apparent, as it
(whatever 'it' truly is) has started operating in England! In the past
three weeks nearly five thousand people have been simply snatched away from
their families and friends, never to be seen again. The Times demands
urgent Government, Army and Police action against this outrage!
IT'S A GODAWFUL SMALL AFFAIR...
Want to escape from the black mist and escape to a place of tranquillity
and natural beauty in a wilderness unspoilt by human hands? Then take a
vacation to Mars, and experience things you never thought possible on this
world. Even better, why not give up the stresses and fears of life here on
Earth and move there permanently. Accommodation, and vacations through the
MarsTours Cooperation will be available towards the start of next year, and
are booking now.
THE END OF KING PAUL OF BAVARIA
News out of Bavaria is that King Paul I, who only recently seized the
thrown from his own mother with the help of a powerful militia, has been
killed. Details are scarce, but it seems two men entered his palace early
in the year, and one was heard to call "Listen cobber, its either your
balls or your life: your choice." A mighty duel was seen to be fought, at
the end of which the mighty Paul fell dead, slain by the sword of one of
his assailants. The murder then left the palace, while the fearsome palace
guards stood by, apparently unwilling to approach the man who had killed
WEATHERMAN COMMITS SUICIDE AFTER MENTAL BREAKDOWN
The Times' long-standing weatherman committed suicide yesterday, after
seemingly suffering some kind of breakdown. Unfortunately his final report
was submitted late, and went to print before being edited. We apologise to
our readers for any inconvenience caused.
- A case of "too little, too late": People curse leaders for not helping
Odinsson at Ragnarok.
- Arria of the Levitican Army only general competent in anti-Entity war:
Quickly assumes command of the field.
- Odinsson fights brilliant guerilla war behind enemy lines: Slows horde
advance to a crawl, saves much of Europe.
- French army with English support proves unequipped to deal with Entity
attack: Loses horribly in head-on confrontation.
- Singe ray of hope for Allies as Joffre and Directrix, Avatars of the
Protector, singlehandedly rout demonic battalion.
- Verne cannons malfunction and bombard France.
- Previously restrained Entities rampage through France, massacre population.
- Piontkowski declared Hold Roman Emperor of conquered territories, sets
about improving lot of suffering citizens. Pope withholds blessing.
- Americans arrive at 11th hour, save demoralised Allies from humiliating
rout: Offer to "wall off" free territories from entity advance with G.S.T.
- Alexis IV crowned new Tsar in St. Petersburg. Rousing speach leaves
- Spanish/Finnish advance meets with Russian traps and delaying tactics:
Perez's great tactical ability minimises Spanish losses to defensive
- Showdown between Russian and Spanish proves Spanish army technologically
superior: Russian morale at all time low as Cawrdav faith disappears in
- Despite seemingly being militarily much outclassed, Davchenko's brilliant
grasp of tactics enables him to win the field with huge losses.
- Perez beats orderly retreat to St. Petersburg: Davchenko's army unable
to follow up victory, Tsarist Russia remains stable.
- Northern Russian fleets totally destroyed by English Navy and "icebergs".
- Russian economy said to be back on its feet, people happier.
- Prince Albert caught slipping one to Elizabeth Siddal on Trafalgar Square
stone lion: Drinks poisoned tea rather than face Victoria.
- Royal Family wracked with scandal: Princess Alice urinates openly in
Hyde Park; Duke Leopold burns children in Wicker Man to popular unrest.
- MPs leave politics in droves as Mr. Mey states policy to dismember Queen,
drive stake through her heart and bury her on various pieces of consecrated
- Scotland secedes without difficulty.
- Britain in total turmoil: No political stability left.
- Anto-monarchy bill defeated quietly in House of Lords.
- Lord Tennyson's house was demolished by some sort of seismic movement
in which most of his family and household perished. He is believed to be
at death's door.
- International communism takes control of most of South America: Mercosur
Atlantico powerbase severely hit.
- Sr. de Moltke stabilises Middle Eastern nations into unified new powerbase.
- Gino Baggio's moral integrity and sexual prowess impugned in world press.
- Mighty Pagan city built in Uppsala by the Astaru.
- Khiron commission HQ razes by Entities: personnel slaughtered.
- Plague sweeps South America with advent of International Communism:
great suffering and poverty.
- Ariadne Digitalis make Archduchess of Holy Roman Empire.