Netflyer Oxford University Role Playing Games Society
Netflyer 34

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Ask Jabba

Jabba's speech has been translated into English by C-3PO, a translation droid.

Dear Jabba,

I am having problems with my girlfriend. She says I treat her like a dog, and never spend enough time with her.
I can't understand what I'm doing wrong - every week I take her out, I send her flowers all the time... and I'm helpful about the house, I never make her do more than her share. And as for the sex, well no problems there.
Please tell me what I should do.

Jabba says: Pah! Obviously you are treating this creature too well. Have you considered making its cell a little smaller, or feeding it every week instead of every other day?
If this does not work, I suggest you give up and sell it to the arena, they know how to make use of such ungrateful beasts.

Dear Jabba,

I suspect my Father is having an affair behind my Mother's back. They have been married for over 20 years and she has no idea what is going on.
They have an extremely loving relationship and he never treats her badly, but I just can't stand to see him use her in this way.
Should I tell her what is going on?

Jabba says: What is this nonsense? It is perfectly clear that your Father is a weak and stupid man. The very fact that he allows you such freedom, to write to me with these lies... You should be thrown to the Jabberwocky for this! However, I think I can make use of such a creature.
Tell your father I will buy you for 10 credits, no more.

Dear Pizza, My sensor systems have become hopelessly jammed. I have done my best to sort the problem out. My stormtroopers have tried using first ordinary washing up liquid and then a stronger variety, with a proper scrubber.
The man who is responsible for all this has caused me no end of problems, and he claims his Schwartz is bigger than mine. Can I take him to court over these slanderous lies, and for damages?

Oh my! Jabba isn't at all happy at being referred to as... oh you've made him very angry. Oh, no master Jabba, please do- aaaaaaarghh!

Greetings, I am T-R73, kitchen droid. I will be replacing C-3PO temporarily as Mr. PO is experiencing technical difficulties at present.

Dear Jabba,

My best friend has been experimenting with the Dark Side of the Force. I have tried to dissuade her from this path, but she won't listen to reason.
I can't tell my master, as he would simply kill her. I don't want to have to destroy my friend, but I can't bear to see her fall to evil.
What should I do?

Jabba says: Your saucepan should be pleased to have such a well-cooked young apprentice at his culander. Banana side of the force could be useful to him in saturated ways. I suggest you wash and peel your master of this opportunity, and if he is creamy enough to throw away this fresh peas, I will purchase her from him for 500 grams of flour.

Jabba the Hutt is an inter-galactic arms dealer and slaver.
For all your slaving needs call 1800-DARK-SIDE.