50 ZANY WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER


(I can't remember where this came from; if anyone recognises it as theirs, drop me a line and I'll add an acknowledgement.)


  1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
  2. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
  3. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
  4. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
  5. Answer their questions with questions.
  6. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST; FREE-SPIRITED; COST-EFFICIENT; UKRAINIAN; PUCE.
  7. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
  8. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
  9. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
  10. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
  11. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
  12. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
  13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
  14. Change your accent every three seconds.
  15. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
  16. Rent a pizza.
  17. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
  18. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
  19. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
  20. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
  21. Imitate the order taker's voice.
  22. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
  23. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
  24. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
  25. Ask to see a menu.
  26. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
  27. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
  28. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
  29. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
  30. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
  31. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
  32. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
  33. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
  34. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
  35. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
  36. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
  37. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
  38. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
  39. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
  40. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
  41. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
  42. Put them on hold.
  43. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
  44. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
  45. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
  46. Haggle.
  47. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
  48. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
  49. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
  50. Order a steamed pizza.
    • If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker:
  51. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

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