50 ZANY WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER
(I can't remember where this came from; if anyone
recognises it as theirs, drop me a line and I'll add an
- If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the
person taking the order to stop doing that.
- Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
- Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and
you're going with the lowest bidder.
- Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
- Answer their questions with questions.
- Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST; FREE-SPIRITED;
COST-EFFICIENT; UKRAINIAN; PUCE.
- Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
- Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
- Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
- Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called
- Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would
like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
- Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
- Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
- Change your accent every three seconds.
- If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK.
That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
- Rent a pizza.
- Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh
- Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i"
- Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
- Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
- Imitate the order taker's voice.
- Eliminate verbs from your speech.
- When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
- Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
- Ask to see a menu.
- Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
- Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
- Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where
was I? Who are you?"
- Psychoanalyze the order taker.
- Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
- Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
- Report a petty theft to the order taker.
- Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary
in Tinsel Town."
- Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
- If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed
by your sweet words."
- Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. .
- Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
- Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
- Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may
be my last entry."
- Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
- When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
- Put them on hold.
- Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you
say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
- When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated
again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do
- When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I
- When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out,
- While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act
- Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If
he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
- Order a steamed pizza.
- If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker:
- Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."