This is a record of the Cornish version as near as it can be
written in that dialogue at the start of this century. It is performed by seven
persons, all attired in multi-coloured paper strips with hats to match, except
the Donkey who wears a donkey mask with long ears. To obtain the correct dress,
wallpaper pattern books are got, the whole pages removed and cut into strips,
leaving a 2 inch margin at the top, these pages are then sewn on to a coat until
it is completely covered. The hat is made of newspapers, "Admiralls" shape and
then covered with the pattern paper. 'Props' needed are two wooden swords, a
doctor's' bag, pair of large spectacles, pair of pliers, short poker, a horse's
tooth,a pill box, an inflated pig's bladder tied on a short stick.
On arriving at the house or place of performance, the Foreman knocks on the door
and when it is answered, he says, "Please to let the Mummers act?". If
permission is given, he then goes into the room and the others stay outside the
room, waiting their call.
Foreman, walking in a circle, followed by the others as they enter.
'A room. a room, I do presume,
for me and my brave gallants all.
Please to give us room and rhyme
to act this merry Christmas time,
we'll show you the acts of youth and the acts of age,
likewise not acted on any common stage,
for we are not any of this renting terrible lot,
we are some of the Royal of Spain.
'We have travelled through Ireland. Scotland.and Spain
and now we have come back to old England again
and if you don't believe me. I say.
Step in King William and clear the way.'
Enter King William, saying,
In comes King William, a noble knight,
who lost his blood by English fight,
by English fight and by English nation,
that's what make me carry this awful weapon.
Where is the man that dares to bid me stand.
I'll knock him down with my courageous hand,
I'll cut him and hew him as small as flies
and send him to the cookshop to make mincepies.
For I value neither Duke, Greek nor Turk
or any man who dares to bid me hurt,
for I will let all nations ring,
I am the gallant Prussian King,
born to defend all Christian rights,
I have fought my battles at home and abroad
and if this is not true, step in Bull Slasher.
Enter Bull Slasher, a soldier.
I am a valiant soldier brave,
Bull Slasher is my name,
with sword and buckle by my side,
I hope to win the game.
Foreman:
Bull Slash, Bull Slash, don't be too hot,
for in this room. not a friend thou has got.
Bull Slasher:
'Where is the man that dared to bid me stand,
he said he would cut me down with his courageous hand,,
he said held cut me and hew me as small as flies
and send me to the cookshop to make mincepies
but I'll knock him down with my courageous hand,
I'll cut him and hew him as small as flies
and send him to the cookshop to make mincepies.
Bold Prussian Officer, many a time hast thou driven me across yon fields to fly
but now I come with heart and mind to try,
so mind thee head and guard they blows,
likewise thee body and all ten toes,
for a battle, a battle betwixt thee and I,
to see which on this ground shall lie.
Foreman:
Doctor, Doctor, come and see,'
King Willamls wounded bitterly.
Doctor, Doctor, play thy part.
King Willams wounded to the heart.
Enter Doctor carrying his 'Little black bag.':
Fee,Sir, fee.
Foreman:
Doctor, Doctor, what is thy fee,
to cure King Willam and set him free?
Doctor.
Ten Pounds is my fee
but only five I'll have of thee,
for I am a Doctor and a Doctor good
and with my pills I can make this man good.
My pills shall work him through and through,
cure his body and stomach too,
for I aint one of these quack Doctors that travel about,
I travel for the good of the country, either to kill or to cure.
Foreman.
What sort of diseases canst thee cure, Doctor?
Doctor.
All sorts of diseases.
just which my physic pleases,
the itch, the stitch, palsy and the gout;
pains within and pains without,
such as any old woman could mention in a fortnight.
Boneyscrubs, Boneyscrubs, bring to me any old woman
that has been seven years dead, eight years buried
and ninety-nine years laid in her grave,
as long as she's got a hollow hump or stump in her head
and can crack one of my pills,
I'm bound to bet ten thousand pounds she comes to life again.
Foreman.
Doctor, Doctor, haste away,
King Willam can no longer stay.
Doctor.
Well , Prussian King, how long as this pain took thee?
King William.
A fortnight afore I found on it and three weeks arter it got well.
Doctor, addressing the Foreman:
Bring my spectacles, some as I can see twelve months forrard in.
Foreman.
Yers a pair thee caust see two years forrard in.
Doctor.
Bring my smelling bottle.
Foreman:
Yes Sir. Let King have a sniff,
Doctor.
Bring my pill box.
Foreman.
Yes Sir.
(Rattles box with small pebbles in)
Doctor.
Take one of my pills, Prussian King,
let 'un melt in thee mouth like a horseshoe,
run down thee throat like a wheelbarrow, grind in thee maw like a millstone,
then come back to me like a twopenny rubber.
That ought to do him some good.
Foreman
'Well I should think so Doctor.
Doctor.
Bring my poker and hot it.
Foreman.
Yes Sir.
Doctor.
Bring my pliers and come and help me.
(Together they struggle over King William and extract a horse's tooth which
the Doctor holds aloft in his pliers.
Doctor.
Look, yers a horrible tooth I've just drawn from this man
-three prangs to un like a dung fork,
more like an elephant's tooth than a Christians,
enough to pain any man, what say you.
Foreman:
I should think so.
Doctor.
Rise up King William and fight thy battle once again
and I'm bound to bet thee bist a better man than thee was't afore.
(They fight again and Bull Slasher is wounded.)
Doctor.
Look ye here at this terrible thing,
I've just cured one man and set him free
and he gets up and fights another,
if any man can do anymore than this,
I say, 'Step in Jack Finney'.
Enter Jack Finney:
My name is not Jack Finney, my name is Mister Finney.
A man of great fame. I can do more than thee or any other man of name.
Doctor.
Oh what canst thee do so much of then, Jack?
Jack Finney.
Why, I can cure a magpie with the toothache, how dost think I does that?
Doctor.
How do you do it then?
Jack Finney.
I cuts his head off and chucks his body in the ditch.
Doctor.
Oh thou barbarous rascal but a quick way of doing it, Jack.
Jack Finney.
No more barbarous than thee.
Thee hast just burnt a poor man's tooth out with a red hot poker
and besides all this, I can cure this man if he aint quite dead.
Young man, I say unto thee, rise up thy head.
(He helps Bull Slasher to his feet.)
Foreman:
Ride in, Old Beelzebub.
(Beelzebub enters riding the donkey and carries an inflated pig's bladder
tied to a stick.)
Beelzebub.
In comes I who aint bin hit
with my big head and little wit,
me heads so big, me wits so small,
stop my nag Jack. Woa, Woa.
(He dismounts and says)
Over my shoulder I carry me club, in my hand a dripping pan,
don't you think I'm a funny old man.
Let my nag out Jack.
My father he killed a fat hog and that you can plainly see.
My mother she gave me the bladder to make an hurdy gurdy.
All together:
So with a hey ding dong and a ho ding dong and a hey ding dong a derry,
we've all come here this Christmas time to make you all so merry.
(They all link arms 'and sing "Auld Lang Syne')
Refreshments are then served to the players and a donation collected,
(Told to Mrs Iris Wastie by Fred Costar, 1980)