“THAT’S WEREWOLF TALK!”: THE MUSICAL!

Dramatis Personae

Fate/Cecil – our favourite radio host and all-powerful narrator

Algernon – a small adorable knitted elder god, partner of Cecil

Lego Bruce Wayne – like Bruce Wayne, but more painful to step on

Lego Batman – coincidentally, never seen in the same scenes as Lego Bruce Wayne

Magneto – Ian McKellan, with extra sexual magnetism

Professor X – Jean-Luc Picard

Black Widow – alleged trapper. Filled with awesome. Frequently alludes to “Budapest,” whatever that may be.

Hawkeye - *twang*

Charlie Stross – as seen at OUSFG!

Ellie – President and ghost of OUSFG future

Wordsworth’s sister – ask Emma for more intimate details

Hamlet – alas poor Yorick, I totally didn’t kill him last night because that would have just been mean

The Jabberwock – twas brillig and the slithy wolves did tear and slaughter in the night

Various cultists – oddly obsessed with this new ‘sportball’ phenomenon

Assorted zombies – brains!

Obi-wan Kenobi – obligatory random Jedi knight cameo

Sven the moose – possibly also an elk. Also played the main love interest in this year’s Frozen.

Remus – unidentified werewolf

Romulus – equally unidentified werewolf

Matt – innocuous DPhil student from the neighbouring rival town of Oxford

Whitney – animals. Sometimes manifests as a Canadian author.

Superman – Such super. Very man. Wow. (Not as good as batman)

Poison Ivy – Thea once met some people who had a Poison Ivy/Harlequin-themed wedding. That was irrelevant, sorry.

-

Scenes

Prologue

Fate

Scene 1

LEGO BRUCE WAYNE, MAGNETO, PROFESSOR X, BLACK WIDOW, ELLIE, HAMLET, OBI-WAN KENOBI, HAWKEYE, SVEN THE MOOSE, A ZOMBIE, WORDSWORTH’S SISTER, ZOMBIES

Scene 2

BLACK WIDOW, MATT, WHITNEY, HAWKEYE, LEGO BRUCE WAYNE, JABBERWOCK, WORDSWORTH’S SISTER

Scene 3

HAWKEYE, HAMLET, L BRUCE WAYNE, BLACK WIDOW, FATE, JABBERWOCK,

Scene 4

LEGO BRUCE WAYNE, SVEN, HAMLET, HAWKEYE, BLACK WIDOW, ELLIE, ROMULUS, CHARLES, ERIK, REMUS, WORDSWORTH’S SISTER

Scene 5:

HAMLET, SVEN, LEGO BRUCE WAYNE, HAWKEYE, ZOMBIES

Scene 6:

FATE, REMUS, ROMULUS

Scene 7:

FOOTBALL CRAZED CULTISTS, HAMLET, HAWKEYE, ELLIE, LEGO BRUCE WAYNE, BLACK WIDOW, JABBERWOCK, WORDSWORTH’S SISTER, FATE

Note: all songs are typed in bold!

-

“THAT’S WEREWOLF TALK!”: THE MUSICAL!

Opening

FATE (I.E. CECIL)

Zero is parity-queer. Can you decorate your christmas tree with ninjas? Is there any place that is appropriate to tickle Cthulhu? Welcome to OUSFGvale.

[Nightvale music plays.]

FATE/CECIL

Tonight has been an unusually eventful one in our peaceful little village. I have reports of multiple nighttime wanderers, including several citizens entering the dog park. Listeners, I shouldn’t need to remind you that the dog park is off limits in all situations, even full moons. I repeat, do not go to the dog park. Also, such loud howling is very inconsiderate for your neighbours.

In happier news, our small band of cultists are soon to earn their “summoning evil creatures from the depths of hell” badge. Or so I’m told, by my boyfriend, Algernon. You see, my boyfriend is an Elder God, which kind of makes me an Elder God too! Well done, cultists, and listeners, please remember not to congratulate them on pain of being instantly reduced to a cloud of infinitesimally small particles drifting through the void of space.

And now, the weather... It’s surprisingly sunny for December, 32 degrees. I hope you enjoy the heat wave, folks! The city council is providing free ice cream. I’ve also been reminded to tell you that this month’s complimentary body parts won’t last in this heat, so please do come and pick yours up soon!

It’s a lovely morning so those of you who’ve been sleeping in had better get up and join us for a town meeting.

[Everyone wakes up.]

Scene 1

LEGO BRUCE WAYNE

Oh God, Charles is dead! Even his mind powers couldn’t save him!

[Professor X is, in fact, dead.]

MAGNETO

*Dies dramatically by jumping into a river, with song.*

[To the tune of Man’s Road by America]

In hindsight, I reckon, this should have been obvious.

Our werewolf infestation was already quite serious.

But we had been awake for almost four full days.

We had to sleep to stay sane.

First of all, this full moon, did fall on Friday the thirteenth.

And those two, were so cute, their love must have attracted teeth.

And then we woke to such a bright and sunny day…

Who the hell is wolfsbane?

Dear Charles and Eric, were such a super awesome team.

They make a great couple’s costume for conventions or Halloween.

We should have known they were more than just good friends.

But instead, this lover pair is dead.

BLACK WIDOW

Well Charles was quite strong-willed, an iron personality you might say.

LEGO BRUCE WAYNE

Almost magnetic.

SVEN THE MOOSE

It’s no wonder Magneto decided to go with the flow. We could say he… water-fell for him.

JABBERWOCK

The whole thing is overflowing with iron-y.

ELLIE

Shit, I’ve lost my glasses! They must have been stolen by werewolves.

WORDSWORTH’S SISTER

Another injury. But only one?

HAMLET

Jabberwock, have I mentioned I like your new shoe?

JABBERWOCK

Rwargh. I mean, why thank you, I stole it from the president.

BLACK WIDOW

Wait a second…

HAWKEYE

That’s not a shoe…

OBI WAN-KENOBE

…that’s a space station! I mean, trap.

ZOMBIE 1 (aside)

Quite a *feat* of deduction. I mean, brains.

JABBERWOCK

What do you mean, I think we’ve got off on the wrong foot here!

SVEN THE MOOSE

That’s definitely a trap.

JABBERWOCK

What? Oh no it’s not.

SVEN THE MOOSE

Oh yes it is! Isn’t it, zombies?

ZOMBIES

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeees.

JABBERWOCK

Oh no it’s not.

ZOMBIES/AUDIENCE

Oh yes it is!

JABBERWOCK

Oh no it’s not.

ZOMBIES/AUDIENCE

Oh yes it is!

JABBERWOCK

C’mon everyone, I’m not a werewolf, you know I’m innocent, always toeing the line. You’ll never nail me for this.

BLACK WIDOW

I'm the trapper, and I know who the werewolf is. It's the Jabberwock. [Dramatically in French Accent] J'ACCUSE!

[Shock and horror resound throughout the village, a few shouts to immediately drag to the guillotine.]

LEGO BRUCE WAYNE

Listen, I'd really hate the idea of anyone dispensing mob justice without a fair hearing, whom did you trap?

BLACK WIDOW

Well, first a variety of arthropods, you know, cockroaches, scorpions and things like that. But in terms of the game, but for the first eleven nights I trapped Countess Olivia, then last night I trapped Ellie.

HAWKEYE

I don't understand how that works.

BLACK WIDOW

Allow me to explain...

Scene 2

[Flashback is entered, world goes wavy, appropriate music is heard, everyone exits except Black Widow]

BLACK WIDOW [Narrating]

I went out to lay a trap. First I thought I'd trap Albion Place, but Matt and Whitney were still awake when I got there; I could hear them from the street...

[Enter MATT and WHITNEY; WHITNEY is looking at a piece of paper.]

MATT

And so that's how I won the werewolf game as Ryan's lover.

WHITNEY

Okay, admittedly that sounds impressive, I still think it should be below your D. Phil on the C.V.

MATT

What do you think I wrote about in the D. Phil? The Iron Age Greeks were just comparisons of people who've never won a game of werewolves as Ryan's lover. And look where they are now!

[Exit MATT and WHITNEY]

BLACK WIDOW

So, I moved on, I was going to trap Bruce Wayne's mansion. But even though it would have been helpful, the DC Comics Independence Party have just won an election so I couldn't get into their universe to do it. So it had to be a Marvel character. So first I went round to Clint Barton's house...

[Enter HAWKEYE]

BLACK WIDOW

Oh, you're awake?

HAWKEYE

Oh didn't you know? I don't sleep.

BLACK WIDOW

What? Even spiders sleep! A biology student told me. How the hell do you not sleep?

HAWKEYE

They were just a biology graduand. And do you think these arrows make themselves? Do you have any idea how many arrows I get through? Not all of us can just wake up and hey, there's our superhero costume, now let's go fight. Does Iron Man have to spend hours rebooting his suit to get updates to Internet Explorer? No! Does Captain America ever have to stay up all night cleaning his permanently immaculate shield? No! But do I complain? No! I just stay up all night, making arrows.

BLACK WIDOW

Err, okay. I'll leave you to it. [Turning away and muttering] Superhero, my arse!

[Exit HAWKEYE.]

BLACK WIDOW

So then I went to Magento's house. And Professor X was there too. But when I got there...well let's just say it was more like Professor XXX. So I didn't know what to do. No Marvel characters, and I couldn't get into another universe. Then I realised, Lewis Carroll died over a hundred years ago! The Jabberwock is a public domain character.

[Offstage, a werewolf player from outside the Flashback]

HAWKEYE

But how did you get into the Jabberwock universe? It's a nonsense universe.

BLACK WIDOW

The only way you can get into a nonsense universe like that. [BLACK WIDOW pulls out bottle of vodka and takes large swig.]

[Offstage, a second player from outside the flashback.]

LEGO BRUCE WAYNE

It's a Lewis Carroll universe you know? Literally you just have to go underground to get there.

BLACK WIDOW [drunkenly]

You're not the boss of me! I'm fucking Black Widow!

[Enter JABBERWOCK, they do not notice Black Widow, then howl.]

BLACK WIDOW

Oh my god, the Jabberwock is a werewolf!

[Enter Wordsworth's Sister. She notices Black Widow]

BLACK WIDOW

Wordsworth's sister? What are you doing here?

WORDSWORTH'S SISTER

This is the Project Gutenberg Universe. Where all the characters whose work has fallen out of copyright are banished to spend the rest of eternity.

BLACK WIDOW

Wait, so like Frankenstein, Sherlock Holmes, all the characters of Shakespeare? They're all here?

WORDSWORTH'S SISTER

All of them. It's not so bad, Mrs Hudson makes me tea a lot. And it's nice to be out of my own universe. There's only so many conversations you can have with a daffodil and clouds. And to be honest, I'm just enjoying life until the Tolkien estate stops being so ridiculously aggressive and we have to start dealing with Sauron. Ooh, while you're here you should meet the Ancient Greeks.

BLACK WIDOW

Wait, the Ancient Greeks aren't fictional.

WORDSWORTH'S SISTER [Patronizingly, with pat on head]

Aww, yeah, sure they're real sweetie.

BLACK WIDOW

Wait, what about fanfic? Do all fanfic versions of all characters exist in here?

WORDSWORTH'S SISTER

Let me put it to you like this, have you ever heard of Femmeslash Revolution?

BLACK WIDOW

Yes, why?

WORDSWORTH'S SISTER

Yeah, I've seen us having this conversation before - this is the first version we haven't abandoned the game of werewolves and just started kissing.

BLACK WIDOW [A little hurt]

Well, would that be such a bad thing?

[They gaze at each other. Romantic Music starts.]

JABBERWOCK

As cute as this romantic subplot is, people are trying to kill me here. Can we get back to what you did that night?

BLACK WIDOW [sighing]

Okay, so a few hours later, I went back out into the night. [Turning back to Wordsworth's sister] I'll call you.

WORDSWORTH'S SISTER

This isn't a modern AU sweetie. You came to my universe, so send me a letter. And for the love of god don't write me a romantic poem. I'm sick to death of romantic poetry.

[EXIT WORDSWORTH'S SISTER.]

BLACK WIDOW

So, I knew I had to catch the Jabberwock with my trap. And I had to trap Hamlet, he was the only character whose universe I could get into. But Denmark was hundreds of miles away and I wasn't sure if I could make it there before daybreak. Then I remembered, Ellie! She's a real person, but her character in the punt party panto isn't! And we're in the same universe, the OUSFG panto universe, so I ran, and just before day break, I set the trap.

[Enter Werewolf players]

HAWKEYE

Just before day break? How long did you spend at Wordsworth's sister's place?

BLACK WIDOW [annoyed]

Yeah, if I was doing it again I'd just go to Denmark. It's actually closer than Stavs. [To Ellie] For the love of God, no wonder you never get Wolfsbaned!

Scene 3

HAWKEYE

I make a lynch call on the Jabberwock!

(Sung to the tune of ‘Do You Want to Build a Snowman?’)

Do you want to kill a werewolf?

Come on we’ll hang it good.

Or in the village guillotine

It’ll be serene

Come on you know we should!

We have to save our village

These guys are mean

And they’ll kill us if we don’t!

Do you want to kill a werewolf?

It doesn’t have to be a werewolf…

HAMLET

Is anyone going to second this?

HAWKEYE

Come on let’s try!

LEGO BRUCE WAYNE

This isn’t very convincing…

HAWKEYE

Do you want to kill a werewolf?

Or perhaps an innocent?

I’m almost certain that guy’s guilty

So I’m voting that we kill the defendant!

We’re losing all these people

Dead and gone.

As the werewolves they pick us off!

BLACK WIDOW

OK, well, it’s my story so I guess I will second that call, even if no-one is going to vote for it.

THE EXECUTIONER (FATE)

DEFENCE SPEECH!

THE JABBERWOCK

I have a three-fold defence. Firstly, I am too obviously suspicious to actually be guilty. Secondly, as the Jabberwock I demand to be executed with a vorpal weapon. Thirdly, my real defence speech: I was not injured by a trap last night. This trap has been here for weeks. I am actually offended that none of you have noticed the trap in which I have been stuck for longer than this village has had a werewolf problem. I am, in fact, a trapper. But I am not the trapper who obtained information by trapping myself, Ellie, or Charles. Last night I trapped Hamlet. I thought that he was doing a lot of talking and throwing around suspicions and it might make him a target. I was, apparently, wrong. Do not be deceived by these jaws that bite; all they bite is werewolves. Nor by these claws that catch villains. Nor these eyes of flame; I just really, really like fire.

THE EXECUTIONER (FATE)

Do you have any more to say?

THE JABBERWOCK

I think that’s all I have to say.

THE EXECUTIONER (FATE)

Then everybody close your eyes and raise your fists in the air. Open your fist if you want to see the Jabberwock hang. It is done. Hands down. Eyes open. And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? …. No thou hast not! The Jabberwock lives!

[General amazement and confusion]

HAWKEYE

Please we have to kill them.

Before against us they rise up.

It’s kill or be killed and I’m saying kill

It’s obvious he is one, a werewolf pup!

We’re stronger all together

Not one on one

What are we gonna do?

Do you want to kill a werewolf?

Scene 4

LEGO BRUCE WAYNE

Wait, I think I know somebody who might be able to help us with this investigation. Excuse me for a minute while I go and find him.

[Lego Bruce Wayne Exits; coincidentally, Lego Batman then enters.]

LEGO BATMAN

I’M BATMAN. I heard from Lego Bruce Wayne that there was some werewolf trouble in this village, and so by night I’ve been investigating laying bat-traps outside people’s houses each night to trap any werewolf who might attack them.

ELLIE

Don’t your parents wonder where you are?

LEGO BATMAN

MY PARENTS ARE DEAD! And last night, I trapped Charles.

BLACK WIDOW

Your dead parents sound very convenient, Lego Batman, especially after we’ve had two other people come out as trapper. So tell us, who did you trap the other nights?

LEGO BATMAN

What are you talking about? This is the first night werewolves have attacked this village. You’ve just been very unlucky, but what can you expect from Marvel characters?

BLACK WIDOW

Right, so what exactly are you claiming happened last night?

[Flashback to the previous night]

LEGO BATMAN

So I was bat-punting with my bat-pole back to the Batcave when my Bat-noise detectors picked up the sound of terrified rustling from the undergrowth. Fearing the worst, like some poor child losing his parents, I leapt out of the Bat-punt to investigate.

HAMLET

Wait, are we allowing sound information?

LEGO BATMAN

Bat-sound information. Whatever was in the bushes was gone, but my night-vision bat-goggles noticed tracks leading in the direction of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. I pursued them with my bat-boots, and I bat-heard this conversation on the path coming from S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters...

ELLIE

Oh my lover, these nights we get together are all too fleeting. I just wish that we could trust the rest of the village to understand our love!

BLACK WIDOW

But the time we spend is just perfect, all that sixty-nine … minutes.

LEGO BATMAN

When I was there I saw Ellie coming from the direction of S.H.I.E.L.D, no doubt in a lover pair with Black Widow.

HAWKEYE

Hey! She could be my lover...

[General laughter from the others]

LEGO BATMAN

[Suddenly seriously] No Hawkeye. No, she couldn’t. I was going to bat-follow the two of them to see what they got up to, but was distracted by the howling of another wolf.

ROMULUS

Wow. Such kill. Good wolf. So much moon. Many injury. Wow.

LEGO BATMAN

I returned to the school and encountered another pair of lovers enjoying the night-time.

CHARLES

Thank you for this authentic Elizabethan dildo, my lover.

ERIK

To be fair the Romantics probably had better quality dildos; but I wanted something I could control with my hands rather than my powers.

LEGO BATMAN

That didn’t seem like werewolf talk, so I put a Bat-Trap outside the house, as it sounded like there was a wolf close by.

REMUS

Wow. Such gifted. So much school. Many superpowers. Good wolf. Wow.

LEGO BATMAN

But then I saw that Poison Ivy was using her toxins to control Superman, so we had to fight.

[Enter SUPERMAN, controlled by POISON IVY. They fight]

Of course, I beat him.

[LEGO BATMAN beats SUPERMAN].

BLACK WIDOW

This story gets less and less believable.

THE JABBERWOCK

I don’t know, I think Batman could take Superman.

LEGO BATMAN

I can and I did. With the RAGE I have from my DEAD PARENTS.

BLACK WIDOW

Of course you do, because it exonerates you from blame for last night’s murder.

HAMLET

Well, no, it just makes it slightly more likely that it’s Ellie than it’s the Jabberwock. After all, nobody voted to kill the Jabberwock… did they?

LEGO BATMAN

There’s only one way to solve this - a bat-lynch call on Ellie.

HAWKEYE [sung]

You want to hang a werewolf!

BLACK WIDOW

No, no, no. It’s clear that the Jabberwock and Lego Bruce Wayne are in a lover pair; that’s why the Jabberwock is supporting his story that he beat Superman.

LEGO BATMAN

That’s ridiculous, why would I be defending Bruce Wayne? I hardly know the man, although I hear he’s a great guy.

WORDSWORTH’S SISTER

You know, I think I want to see what happens when we try to lynch Ellie. I’ll second that lynch call.

ALL

Defence speech!

ELLIE

I always knew that it would come to this.

For I’m an innocent, unblessed by fate:

No power role is mine - no lover’s bliss,

No steadfast allies to redeem my state.

I’d hoped the village might be kind - dismiss

My taciturnity, until this spate

Of rampant slaughter had abated quite.

Alas! I’m victim to the village’s spite.

Remorseless world! Where guiltlessness is sin!

This too, too vengeful village soon will learn

That those who mock the hapless state I’m in

Will come to know the selfsame grief in turn,

And yet, you smile. For still, to my chagrin,

To you, my quandary is no great concern.

And yet, if sermonizing you’ll indulge,

I have some information to divulge.

Magneto was a werewolf. That’s a fact.

For if Professor X was innocent,

It’s common knowledge opposites attract,

And peace was not an option. My intent

Is to reveal the details of their pact,

Ensure the werewolves won’t misrepresent

The star-crossed nature of these seeming foes,

(An angst-filled tryst, as fanfic will expose.)

Black Widow has a secret. She’s a spy!

And, by my reckoning, she’s no covert one.

For everything she tells us is a lie,

Give her no further chance now to assert one.

For our survival, Romanov must die!

Her mind games are enough to disconcert one,

And since her ledger’s filled with so much red,

The guillotine would well become her head.

Though prudent it would be to take great heed,

This true advice will doubtless stay unheeded,

I hope my death will then ensue with speed,

As quickly as the call itself was speeded,

Alas! my sad surcease will be decreed:

If execution stay un-interceded,

If Fate were kind, for mercy I would plea,

But in this village shall no mercy be.

THE EXECUTIONER (FATE)

So. Everybody must now close their eyes,

And slowly raise their fists into the air.

If you desire this villager’s demise,

Then open up your hand. If you would spare

Her, close your hand. [Pause, as they count the votes.] It’s over. Ellie dies,

Thus drawing to its close this sad affair.

The sun sets solemnly on Ellie’s day,

The game continues; so too does this play.

Scene 5

HAMLET

Well, anyway – it’s clear those lego figures are a lover pair.

SVEN THE ELK

These are wild and whirling words, my lord.

LEGO BATMAN

On behalf of my inconveniently absent person-I-met-once-at-a-bar, who, now I come to think of it, did I? Did anyone? Can anyone in fact really claim to know anybody else, fundamentally? Anyway, I hate that guy.

HAMLET

That’s not how –I- remember it. When I attack-

HAWKEYE

Attacked?

HAMLET

Well, I guess the wolf’s out of the bag. Fine, I’m a werewolf, and at this point, I’d like to invite my fellow werewolves to rise up, clear up this hairy situation, take over the village, pleasantly inform you villagers of our numerical superiority, and crack open your bones to drink…

HAWKEYE

*twang*

HAMLET

Murder! Murder most foul, as in the best it is; but this most foul, strange and unnatural.

HAWKEYE

Uh huh. That’s nice. But not your line. None of the lines are your lines anymore. You are dead. What you meant to say was, “Brains.” And arrows are a perfectly normal and naturally occurring form of murder.

HAMLET

O, I die, Horatio! The potent poison quite o'ercrows my spirit. I cannot live to hear the news from England. But I do prophesy the election lights on Ukip! Ukip has my dying voice. With th’ occurents, more and less, and the werewolves not among our countrymen. Ukip, Horatio! Vote Ukip.

HAWKEYE

I sure am glad I shot you. Who are you talking to anyway?

HAMLET

Horatio?

HAWKEYE

Horatio is dead. And so are you.

[HAMLET picks up a skulls and continues speaking, but talking to the skull now.]

HAMLET

Alas, poor Hamlet! I knew me, Horatio,

A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.

(Sung to the tune of ‘Trial By Song’ by The Mechanisms)

I’m not a violent man,

I don’t know how to play this card

I was dealt by Fate.

Thought I’d soliloquize,

I hoped you’d sympathize; this sullied flesh

Cannot hope to fight.

Is it not monstrous that my hopes and expectations are fled?

I never could decide which villagers that I wanted dead.

I’d rather spend my night phase bound in a nutshell,

Foul deeds will rise; but I must fall.

I’m not a vengeful man,

I don’t know how to kill a king,

Let alone a village.

Tried to coordinate,

My best attempts to date were acciden -

- tal at best, I fear.

Is it not monstrous that my hopes and expectations are fled?

Who would have guessed the tragic hero of a play ends up dead?

There was no method here - just murder and madness,

And now, I die, Horatio…

SVEN THE MOOSE

I ship it!

HAWKEYE

Shut your trap! You other zombies! Can you please come here and teach him the ropes.

[Enter a CHORUS OF ZOMBIES.]

ZOMBIES

When we say, “Brains?” you say, “Brains!” Brains? Brains! Brains? Brains!

[To the tune of Under the Sea]

The day phase is always longer, after you bit the dust.

But don’t blame the living players, because you botched your rise up.

You want to give information,

but you took it to the grave.

Don’t fret because all you need now,

are juicy delicious brains.

When we say, “Brains?” you can say, “Brains!”

When we say, “Brains?” you can say, “Brains!”

It’s all we can say now, during the day now,

but keep watch at night!

And flights of angels sing thee off to thee quiet rest.

You want to keep on talking, but your choices were not the best.

Now cracks a noble heart and we bid you goodnight sweet prince.

But all of the rest is silence, and you need to lock your lips.

When we say, “Brains?” you can say, “Brains!”

When we say, “Brains?” you can say, “Brains!”

It’s all we can say now, during the day now,

but keep watch at night!

Scene 6

FATE/CECIL

Lovely to hear the village corpses singing! We’re almost out of time now, folks, and night is falling in our little village. Everyone needs to go to sleep now.

[CLOSE YOUR EYES EVERYONE YES YOU TOO AUDIENCE]

REMUS

Aaaaaoooo. Such kill. Very howl.

ROMULUS

Many injury. Wow.

FATE/CECIL

I hear there are strange things happening down at the dog park. However we’re also getting reports that the cult appear to be practicing for their summoning badge. I see swirling lights and a vortex growing, growing in the night. Lovely to see them all working together like that! Listeners, open your eyes and come and watch while you can, for life is fleeting and we must seize every opportunity to forget the ultimate meaningless of existence.

Scene 7

ALL FOOTBALL-CRAZED CULTISTS

Altrinchamhamham

x5

[CULTIST 1 stands up and silence falls.]

CULT. 1

Sepp Blatter, greatest of the elder gods, we implore thee to come to this humble village, we offer thee money to bring Football here.

CULT. 2

What's football?

CULT. 3

No idea, I'm just here for the health plan.

CULT. 1

We bring the blood of a referee...

[Jeering]

CULT. 1

And his assistants to appease the England team.

ALL CULTISTS

May we get further than the quartets.

CULT. 1

We call on Accrington Stanley...

CULT. 2

Who are they?

CULT. 1

… and all the teams who prop up the premier league to call forth our Lord Sepp.

[CULT. 2 brings forth the FA cup and places it in front of Cult1 who throws money into the cup]

CULT. 1

By the power of your servant Cthulu I summon thee.

[Smoke billows up and ELLIE’S ghost appears.]

CULT. 3

who's that?

CULT. 2

Sepp Blatter I presume.

CULT. 1

That's not Sepp Blatter.

HAMLET

Is this a ghost which I see before me?

HAWKEYE

Is that a line from the play you’re supposed to be in?

HAMLET

Uh… [clears throat]. Alas, poor ghost! Speak; I am bound to hear. Ay, thou poor ghost, while still memory holds a seat in this distracted globe, this troubled village, and the dirty leftist European Parliament. Remember thee! Ay, thou lived and died in this village! O most pernicious woman! O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain! That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain; at least I'm sure it may be so in the European Union. Dirty liberals. [Hamlet curses lefties under his breath, then looks up at Ellie.] Where wilt thou lead me? speak; I'll go no further.

ELLIE

No. You won’t. [ELLIE turns around and looks Hamlet in the eyes. Stricken, HAMLET falls and dies dramatically.]

HAWKEYE

Finally.

LEGO BATMAN

I don’t know. That seems… kinda bad.

BLACK WIDOW

I’m okay with it.

ELLIE

Maybe he’s right. Maybe there is something the matter with me.

[to the tune of Part of Your World]

I am your doom.

Isn’t that neat?

How many of you did three werewolves eat?

The way you conduct your affairs, it seems you hardly need me.

Are you lot all dead?

Did I miss the feast?

I am slightly hurt, to come second to beasts,

but that’s okay because I, can still double kill you.

[ELLIE stares at HAMLET and he goes into convulsing death throes all over again. She turns her sights on the other zombies and they all double die.]

Did you lot summon me to destroy this?

Okay, cool. Just checking. I kid.

Now that I’m here you can’t stop me.

I don’t care. Now I’m here. There’ll be gore.

[ELLIE stares at the CULTISTS and they all drop dead.]

I am the ghost of your village’s future.

You’d be correct to think that’s a bad sign.

The future should never be represented by ghosts.

I am the ghost of what’s yet to come,

and what’s yet to come is mostly ghosts now.

Now, who was I was supposed to kill? Oh right, you.

[LEGO BATMAN turns to run away from her. ELLIE points at LEGO BATMAN and he drops to the ground holding his legs.]

Flappin’ your cape you won’t get too far.

Legs are required, for escaping.

Running away is so – what’s the word again? [Spoken, extremely flatly.] Pathetic.

JABBERWOCK

I’ll take her down!

ELLIE

I’ll just turn around.

JABBERWOCK

I am in pain that I cannot describe!

ELLIE

Oh, it’s so nice, of you to invite, me into your world!

What would you give, to be killed quicker than he was?

Would you worship me, as your Elder God, above all the rest?

I bet you folk, don’t like to choke.

I bet you don’t, love the flames of hellfire,

or your intestines, being drawn, out through your neck?

[ELLIE grabs WORDSWORTH’S SISTER by the neck and chokes her.]

BLACK WIDOW

No! Wordsworth’s Sister! She was the only thing I was doing here in this 19th Century village with a werewolf infestation. I wouldn’t have stayed here if it wasn’t for her.

[BLACK WIDOW charges ELLIE in a fit of rage and drops dead next to WORDSWORTH’S SISTER.]

I am the ghost of your village’s future.

You’d be correct to think that’s a bad sign.

The future should never be represented by ghosts.

I am the ghost of what’s yet to come,

and what’s yet to come is mostly ghosts now.

Now, who was I was supposed to kill again? Oh right, you.

Now it’s my turn!

Look at me now! Look how well I’ve done, Dad and Cthulhu!

So glad and so proud, that I could come, destroy your world.

[ELLIE spins around, arms out, and everyone else drops dead.]

FATE

And everyone died. Goodnight, OUSFGVale, goodnight.

[Everyone sings “Brains” to the tune of Always Look on the Bright Side of Life. During the final verse, everyone sings the actual words.]