Zool III: The Intermission1 Zool III: The Second Coming Episode 8 by Ralph Lovegove A man must question himself2 many times upon the road to enlightenment. These are the questions one needn't other with. WHAT does Gogromelgromoth (now Tim) eat? HOW is his tea going to get cold, anyway? It was rather hot last episode. WHEN is the New Romantic revival going to appear? Will Abigail Lord's assassin `be back'? IS this episode going to help continuity? Read on. "Excuse me sir, I was wondering, well you know, how seeing as you knew Tina Turner and all, well, if you could get her autograph for - " The young lieutenant faltered as he felt the commander's hot breath down his neck3. He turned from the passenger and stared at him right in the nostrils. He tried to find the words, but failed. "What's this about autographs? And you know my rule about 70's dance music." The commander despised bri-nylon and flared trousers. That was for the federation. "It's just for my sister, I - " "Look, you're a Klingon, and Klingons don't need autographs, got that? Now go outside and fix the antenna. The sub-space radio is on the blink," said the commander stiffly.4 "But sir, you made us ditch all the vacc-suits on Zool death planet where the intractable criminals of 10,000 worlds etc., because the sequins clashed with the - " "Look, you're a Klingon, and Klingons don't need vacc suits. Afraid of a little hard vacuum are you? Just take a deep breath before you go outside." When the lieutenant had gone, the commander turned to their passenger and wordlessly passed him a little black book. The stranger signed his name in the I section, just before J for `Jesus'. ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ Tim's typewriter was arguing with him. "Apparently he doesn't realise that his word-processor was an enemy agent", thought the typewriter, "I had to destroy it." The typewriter was about to speak again, but Tim had stormed out of the office. There was a little bar down at the waterfront and he felt like getting very drunk. It wasn't long before he was staring through the remains of his fourth hypodermic. The stranger turned to him and spoke. "William Lee?" asked the oddly shaped man5. It took five minutes to translate the words from the original English6 into something he understood. It took another ten to reply. "No. Sorry." "Oh." The protuberance on the man's forehead began to deflate. "Bugger." ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ "Commander, we appear to have picked up a pair of Hitch-Hikers while we were in Hyperspace." "Take them to the theatre. I'll show them my new tap-dance routine." ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ "Look, I had to destroy her. She was an agent for GLAM Inc. And she was a centipede." "Of course she was a bloody centipede, Mum. I'm a centipede, You're a centipede," Tim sighed, "She had the cutest little antennae - " "That's beside the point. Did you really think you could settle down in suburbia with a wife and 2.4 larvae and deny your heritage? You are destined for great things_" "Here we go," thought Tim, "She's going to rant on about the Force and the Empire and that." He settled back and enjoyed the drugs left in his system. "And there's the film and book rights to consider. Have you ever thought of that? Create a little security before you start a family - " "Yes, Mum." "What do you mean, `Yes Mum'? You're supposed to throw a fit and say that you'll never join me and that I'm not your mother. Then I cut your hand off." "Now just a minute - " ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ Brother Mann's cassock billowed about him in that stylish post-holocaust way7 as he entered the Lie Berry Inn. He raised an eyebrow at the Penguin's new hairstyle which vaguely resembled a toilet brush. "Okay, I'm here. Shall we get the seance going?" Molin-Cax stepped out from behind a large stuffed elk, his naked tie-dyed flesh8 aglow in the light of the radioactive fires. "What seance?" "Hang on, I saw you explode_" the Penguin dribbled on the carpet9. "This always happens when you get more than one person to write a book. There's always a stock of clones just in case the person who died needs to come back. You just need an implausible reason." "So, what's the reason this time?" said Brother Man, assuming the lotus position. "That would be telling10. But don't stop the seance just because I'm alive, it sounds like fun." ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ Glamorous tried to look interested as the Klingon commander pirouetted. "Alright, I believe you. I can't imagine being in such an implausibly ridiculous situation with anyone else11." The two broke into polite applause as the commander finished. "Don't give me that. I'm a Klingon, and Klingons don't need appraisal. I'm still going to execute you in a cruel and unnecessarily graphic way." The commander motioned for the two to rise. They turned and were about to be led away by the young (and somewhat out of breath) Klingon lieutenant when they stopped at the sight of the stranger, dressed in turquoise. "David Icke?" they said in unison. HOW did Glamorous and the alleged Beard come to be in this situation? WHY is David Icke travelling with Klingons? IS turquoise a mistake for autumn? HAS the sub-space radio reception improved? DOES Tim have sufficient limbs to spare one for the sake of the plot? HOW did Molin avoid spontaneous combustion? ARE Klingons as hard as they say they are? Find out in another genitally piercing episode of the increasingly misunderstood Zool III! 11 Get you Zool(TM) ice-creams, Zool(TM) T-shirts and Zool(TM) nipple rings from the foyer now! 22 Women usually don't need enlightenment - but then, who says they're women? In fact, who says they're human at all? 33 But that's another story. 44 The rumours about Klingons are true. 55 Recycled Ideaz-R-Us. 66 That's a coincidence, isn't it? Just like all the Star Trek episodes. 77 A plug for Armageddonz-R-Us(TM) would be appropiate here. 88 Don't ask. 99 Which didn't do it any good, I can tell you. 1010 Because he doesn't know, I bet. 1111 She'd better get used to it, there's plenty more where that came from.