The Men Jokes Collection!

Any contributions to this collection welcome - email me!

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends how thinly you slice them.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.

What's the difference between a man's wife and his girlfriend?
60 pounds.

What's the difference between a woman's husband and her boyfriend?
60 minutes.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of orange. The barman says "still?" The man replies "well, I haven't changed my f***ing mind."

Why do doctors slap babies' bottoms as soon as they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

When is it much better to be a woman than a man?
When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulence.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's got less far to go.

What do you call a handcuffed man?

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelit dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What's a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Spice Girls.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

How does a man make sex more interesting?
He leaves town.

What's a man's idea of a perfect woman?
Three foot tall, large mouth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Why is a man like old age?
They both come too soon.

Can you imagine a world without men?
No crime, and lots of happy, fat women.

For a woman, marriage is more than just a word.
It's a sentence.

Why don't men make ice cubes?
They don't know the recipe.

What do you give a man who has everything?

Why are men like toilets?
They're either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

If a man and woman both jumped off a high building, who'd land first?
The woman. The man would get lost on the way.

What's a man's idea of a sophisticated cocktail?
A pint of beer with an olive in it.

Him: I can only cook two things - steak, and fried eggs.
Her: Which one's this?

There are two times in his life when a man doesn't understand women.
Before marriage, and after marriage.

Him: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
Her: I would, but you're never there.

How do you stop a man getting into your home?
Replace the door locks by bra fastenings.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
"You awake?"

Is he reliable?
Lets just say, whenever he wants me, there he is.

Where can you find a committed man?
In a mental institution.

Why do men put women on pedastals?
So they can look up their skirts.

How do you know when a man's had an orgasm?
He snores.

What's a sure sign a man will be unfaithful?
He has a penis.

Why are men like floor tiles?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life.

What does the smart guy do at the M&M factory?

What's the quickest way of losing unwanted excess fat?
Divorce him.

What's the definition of a lazy man?
One who gets someone to read the DIY manual to him.

Why do most men have a beer belly?
So that his best friend has a roof over his head.

Why does a man like going to bed with two women?
So they'll have someone to talk to.

What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A hot-dog and a six-pack of beer.

Why don't men know the meaning of fear?
They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.

Why do men only get half-hour lunch-breaks?
So their bosses won't need to re-train them.

Why do men like BMWs?
Because they can spell it.

When's the only time you can change a man?
When he's a baby.

Wife: I'd like to thank my husband for three wonderful years of marriage - 1982, 1984 and 1987.

How can you tell a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing.

Man: Fancy a quickie?
Woman: As opposed to what?

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum underneath.

What happened to the man who put odour-eaters in his shoes?
He disappeared.

What do you call a man who marries another man?
A priest.

How do you tell when a man is lying?
His lips move.

How do you tell an old man?
It's not hard.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.

What's most men's favourite hymn?
Oh come, oh come, Emanuelle.

How many men does it take to replace the toilet roll?
Don't know, it's never happened.

How do you bring a sparkle to a man's eyes?
Shine a torch in his ear.


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